Grammar Cop

GRAMMAR COP
Complaint: Misdemeanor misspelling of “Russian” – an adjective and noun relating to the country, language and culture of people who often wear shiny gold pants; painting said misspelling on a stretched canvas surface; calling said stretched canvas “art”; selling said “art” with a straight face.
Defendant: A SoHo street vendor selling paintings of questionable taste. Bad taste factor mitigated by the fact that the vendor is black and as such is apparently allowed to profit from self-deprecating material, like Chris Rock.
Report: Officer spotted infraction while swimming in a sea of bad sidewalk art peddled by licensed and unlicensed vendors. Officer thought painting would look great in a Klansman’s wood-paneled recreation room until the offensive spelling was discovered.
Fine: 176 Rubles and a raised eyebrow.

Complaint: Improper execution of a contraction; failure of advertising agency to realize this; approval of grammatical blunder by the appropriate department of the Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City; mounting said offense to the side of mass-transit vehicles with intent to distribute bad grammar throughout the five boroughs of New York City.
Defendant: ANM Funding, a mortgage broker licensed in New York, New Jersey and Florida.
Report: Officer was standing at a crosswalk with his mega-pregnant wife when the offending grammatical faux-pas passed him at approximately 12 mph. Officer then engaged in on-foot pursuit of the vehicle for approximately one block south until the vehicle came to a stop. Passengers seemed unsure as to why someone was taking photographs of the side of their bus. Officer left before a crowd formed, and returned to his mega-pregnant wife who wanted to know what the hell was going on.
Fine: $226 and mandatory proofreading sensitivity classes for all advertising agency and ANM marketing department accomplices.

Complaint: Omission of the “r” in “mirror”; having a typographical error in the name of a business; affixing a typographical error permanently to the side of a vehicle; not noticing this while entering and exiting the vehicle several times per day.
Defendant: Cesar.
Report: Defendant was standing near the rear of his vehicle, executing tasks associated with his line of work, when officer noticed the infraction during a routine patrol of the neighborhood. Officer, being cowardly, did not engage the defendant but instead covertly took a photograph of the transgression and fled on foot.
Fine: $77

Complaint: Misdemeanor spelling of “general”; misdemeanor absence of a consonant so as to render “contractor” misspelled; negligent misspelling of the two words that represent what your company does; having said errors painted to both sides of a truck driven all over town; not noticing this.
Defendant: Mr. Islam and his sons.
Report: Officer was outnumbered by Mr. Islam and his sons when he noticed the crime and wished to capture the evidence covertly. Rather than coming across like an FBI agent taking a photo of a truck with “Islam” on it, the Officer chose to do a walk-by. The Officer casually photographed the evidence, but lost the “r” in “contrator” because he lacks framing skills.
Fine: $125, and a visit from John Ashcroft’s Spelling Terrorism Task Force.

Complaint: Illegal use of an apostrophe, a misdemeanor which suggests that Summer Salad possesses some whole wheat pizza that is low in carbohydrates.
Defendant: Rocco’s, a specialist in the creation and distribution of sauce-covered bread discs.
Report: Officer was recently re-deputized after being re-equipped with a Casio Exilim digital camera similar to the Casio Exilim digital camera he lost two months ago. Officer witnessed the sign loitering at the establishment entrance. Sign did not attempt to flee, and in fact was very cooperative.
Fine: $75, or 75 carbs.

Complaint: Inexplicable usage of a semicolon, a misdemeanor.
Defendant: A 6th Avenue merchant dealing in “organic produce” which needn’t have a semicolon, or anything else, placed between it.
Report: Semicolon glared at officer from across the street, like an angry bear defending her cubs. Officer approached and took a picture using his tiny Casio Exilim digital camera. The camera has since been misplaced, and is presumably under a table at Houston’s Restaurant on Park Avenue, or under a booth at Old Town Bar on 18th. Officer is sad about this fact.
Fine: $89, or a Casio Exilim digital camera, any model.

Complaint: Misdemeanor misuse of a homophone – “principle” when “principal” was called for; transfer of error on to a vinyl banner; mounting banner in a window with significant vehicular and pedestrian exposure.
Defendant: City Connections Realty, Inc.
Report: Officer noticed transgression on Park Ave. while passing another former restaurant that he had meant to go to. Apparently he waited too long. Before a ticket was issued, he was briefly amused by the idea of a broker with principles.
Fine: $105

Complaint: Misdemeanor placement of an apostrophe after “kids” so as to render it possessive; making said error into an advertising tag line for a law firm; printing incorrect tag line on posters; mounting posters inside subway cars belonging to the Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York.
Defendant: The law offices of Fitzgerald & Fitzgerald.
Report: Officer was trapped in an A-train subway car, listening to a bum’s well-rehearsed monologue about having no money (aside from the $2 subway fare, one would presume). Officer noticed the transgression despite the offending tag line being overwhelmed by a horrible photograph and generally unpleasant art direction.
Fine: $175 and tort reform.

Complaint: Misdemeanor placement of a comma between an adjective and a verb; printing said transgression on posters and mounting to the interior of Metropolitan Transit Authority trains; creating a creepy mental picture, with a single comma, of gorgeous skin somehow capable of looking at you.
Defendant: The ‘Board Certified’ dermatologists at 1-800-BLEMISH.
Report: Officer was sitting on a northbound A-train when he witnessed the illegally positioned comma above a seated Asian lady. Being somewhat self-conscious, the officer was forced to wait until the lady exited the train because he didn’t want to stand in front of her and take a picture.
Fine: $85; Advertising agency to be placed on probation for three months.

Complaint: Misspelling of the designer name “Chanel”; embroidery of said name on countless women’s shirts; still not noticing said error and placing it in a window display; wholesale distribution of a misspelled designer name; attempted copyright infringement.
Defendant: Wholesale “designer” boutique on 37th Street.
Report: Misspelled shirt beckoned to officer from across the street. Officer arrived on scene and witnessed a collection of misspelled shirts inside the store. An APB has been issued in an effort to get all such shirts off the street, as they could be emotionally devastating to anyone caught wearing one amongst people who can spell.
Fine: $200

Complaint: Misdemeanor apostrophe negligence, confusing possessive “its” with contraction of “it is”; engraving and mounting faulty apostrophe on plaque in entrance of gentleman’s club – which must be classy because it has “VIP” in the title.
Defendant: VIP Club
Report: Officer noticed transgression while passing what portends to be an esteemed VIP gentleman’s club, if by “gentleman” you mean guy from New Jersey who likes to watch semi-naked girls gyrating, and if by “VIP” you mean person who pays a nominal admission charge.
Fine: Whatever you’re willing to tuck in officer’s boxer shorts. Officer claims to be studying to be a lawyer and is just doing this to get through school. Intends to stop any day now.

Complaint: Misdemeanor apostrophe negligence; affixing faulty apostrophe to glass surface.
Defendant: Janovic Paints
Report: During execution of window-dressing campaign designed to look like it was done by amateurs, a superfluous apostrophe was placed in the possessive “its” turning it into an “it is” or “it has.” This made no sense and troubled the officer terribly.
Fine: $85 & 1 gallon Benjamin Moore semi-gloss base coat.

Complaint: Misdemeanor spelling. Possession of self-centered Roquefort with intent to distribute.
Defendant: Cheese counter, Garden of Eden.
Report: Officer was again awaiting delivery of one pound of delicious Bacon Lover’s Turkey when the offending cheese passed by in a cart going at a low rate of speed. When the cart came to a stop, officer approached the driver and requested permission to search the cart. The driver granted permission and the offending cheese was removed, photographed, and released on its own recognizance.
Fine: $75

Complaint: Misdemeanor reckless quote usage (“no”); making error permanent by engraving it and mounting it to brick wall.
Defendant: Con Edison Power Company
Report: Officer witnessed superfluous quote usage during patrol; was treated with suspicion by Con Ed employee because photographing an electrical power facility post 9/11 is creepier than it used to be.
Fine: $45

Complaint: Misdemeanor placing of the word station in quotes when quotes are only used to identify attribution or the unusual/dubious status of a word; engraving said misdemeanor on a plaque and affixing plaque to brick wall outside of fire station.
Defendant: FDNY
Report: Officer noticed transgression during a routine patrol of the area. By “patrol” officer means he was on the way to an audition for a Bud Light commercial where he’d only be wearing his underpants.
Fine: You can’t fine the FDNY. Firstly, they’re heroes. Secondly, they totally freak out when you try and shut down firehouses, much less fine them. Thirdly, cops and firemen have a special bond. Just a simple “warning” will “suffice.”

Complaint: Misspelling of the word “believe”; silkscreening the misspelled word on a cotton/poly blend shirt and mass producing said shirt; placing shirt with misspelled word on mannequin at entrance of women’s clothing store in strange Polish shopping mall.
Defendant: Women’s clothing store in strange Polish shopping mall.
Report: Officer had just purchased plastic squeaking pig and doggie biscuit for insane wolf/dog. Couldn’t help but notice transgression when walking by women’s clothing store in strange Polish shopping mall.
Fine: 380 Zloty

Complaint: Improper plural noun (“dollis”); Engraving said error and mounting to doorway with 3M Adhesive Mounting Squares.
Defendant: A building at 20 West 22nd.
Report: Officer noticed transgression weeks ago, yet was uncomfortable approaching doorway to take undercover photograph because some guy was always standing next to it. Officer forced wife and friend to walk out of their way in the cold evening in order to successfully capture transgression.
Fine: $75

Complaint: Misdemeanor typographical error, possibly attributed to dyslexia. Engraving said error and mounting such to door of Polish consulate in New York.
Defendant: The entire country of Poland.
Report: Officer was tempted to let Poland off with a warning but then realized New York was flat broke and figured if we’re going to milk New Yorkers for cash there’s no reason not to pick on foreigners as well. Pszepraszamy.
Fine: 140 Zloty.

Complaint: Usage of an unwarranted apostrophe (“Member’s”); Engraving misdemeanor grammatical faux pas on plaque and affixing to entrance of a building of significant import (American Stock Exchange).
Defendant: The American Stock Exhchange (AMEX).
Report: Officer noticed “Member’s Only” entrance which he was unable to approach as he is not a member. Utilized Casio Exilim’s crap digital zoom capability to capture transgression.
Fine: $125 3/8

Complaint: Misdemeanor spelling of “Pecan”; Making misspelling permanent by printing it on adhesive labels.
Defendant: Bakery Department, Garden of Eden
Report: Officer was awaiting the slicing of one pound of delicious Dietz & Watson Bacon Lover’s Turkey when he spotted the offending spelling in an adjacent display case.
Fine: $85