Internet

To The Staff of Naked Ladies Magazine

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that this will be the last issue of Naked Ladies magazine.

When my father founded Naked Ladies in 1969, he was a trailblazer. There were magazines, of course, but none that featured naked ladies. He saw an opportunity and he went for it. Naked Ladies was born, and finally, discerning gentlemen could see naked ladies on paper and not just in person.

He was a pioneer. And he put naked ladies and Naked Ladies on the map.

Over the years, Naked Ladies proved its journalistic merits. We interviewed presidents and senators, not to mention a Who’s-Who of Hollywood elite, extraordinary trendsetters, brilliant visionaries, esteemed scholars. Donald Trump.

The best writers in the world longed to have their name appear in Naked Ladies. A byline in Naked Ladies told editors and readers the world over, “this writer was good enough for Naked Ladies.” It was a foot in the door to writing for the best publications in the world. Even ones with just articles.

And then, of course, there were the naked ladies of Naked Ladies.

We had so many naked ladies! That’s exactly what you would expect from a magazine so-named. But we took it to another level! The ladies were nakeder. Ladier. We set the bar. If a lady was going to be a naked lady, she wanted to be a naked lady in Naked Lady magazine.

We were the pinnacle of naked ladyness. If a lady didn’t qualify for our glossy pages, she would have to settle for being naked in low-brow publications like Sexy Ladies, Pretty Babes or Humpstorm.

We had a long run. We brought joy to pubescent teens and barber shop waiting rooms. We offered the educated gentleman incisive, informative articles and, importantly, naked ladies.

But times have changed.

The Internet has gotten people accustomed to everything being free. Especially naked ladies. I can’t tell you how hard it is to convince Joe Sixpack to spend several dollars of his hard-earned money on a paper copy of Naked Ladies when he can see naked ladies for free on the web. Even on his smart phone! Are they the high class naked ladies that Naked Ladies offered? No, not at all. They’re just naked ladies!

And these ladies? They’re not just standing there, naked. Not at all. They’re moving and talking and doing all sorts of things the naked ladies of Naked Ladies would never dream of doing! Unclassy things! Things I didn’t know were possible for naked ladies to do. I thought ATM was a machine you get money from. I know nothing.

The truth is that in the age of the Internet a publication like Naked Ladies is no longer a gatekeeper. Any lady can be naked for a broad audience. They simply don’t need us.

And clearly, people want to see a lot more than ladies just being naked these days. For a publication called Naked Ladies, the writing is on the wall.

We had a great run. We will remain in the history books. But, the world has changed. The demand for Naked Ladies is only a fraction of what it once was. We have to adapt to survive. It’s time to “modern up” as Sarah in accounting said.

Do not be alarmed! This does not mean you’re out of a job! We’re adapting, not shuttering. We’re finding a new voice and a new audience. One that isn’t looking for naked ladies.

I sincerely hope all of you will stay on board and help with the launch of our new venture, Typewriter World.

What to Expect at Your Job Interview with Business Insider

A lot of people want to work for Business Insider because it’s their dream to write countless articles about working for Google. With that in mind, here are some of the questions you may be asked when interviewing for a job at Business Insider.

Hi, [your name] how are you?

This is not a trick question, it’s just the interviewer’s way of making conversation to help you feel comfortable before they begin determining if you’d be good at writing about working for Google.

If we hire you, do you promise to write weekly articles about working for Google?

Business Insider readers have come to expect that 4 in 7 of the articles will be about working for Google. The interviewer is merely trying to ascertain if your addition to the company will help them maintain that level of productivity.

Imagine you are writing your twentieth post about working for Google. Give an example of a headline you would write to suggest that this post about working for Google is different from all the other posts about working for Google.

The interviewer wants to see how creative you are when it comes to getting readers interested in what is essentially just another article about working for Google. A good answer might be a headline like “Here’s what it’s like to work for Google” unless you used that headline in yesterday’s article about working for Google.

Imagine I tell you the same bedtime story for ten years. At some point would you ask me to tell you a different story?

This is a trick question. The natural response for most people would probably be “Yes.” However, in this case it’s allegorical. By “bedtime story” they actually mean “article about working for Google” which is the core of the Business Insider publishing model. Therefore the correct answer then is a resounding “No, never!”

You’re seated at a wobbly desk. On the desk is your laptop. The wobbling desk is distracting you from your task of writing another article about working for Google. What do you do?

This question is designed to test your problem solving skills. There is technically more than one “right” answer as long as your solution allows you to continue writing another article about working for Google.

Heil! Please Log In.

We’ve all gotten used to CAPTCHA’s requirement that we enter in random words like “lemon catapult” to prove that we’re not robots.
But this one was odd because it made me think of Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels. Definitely more interesting than lemon catapults, but much more creepy. Especially since “goebel” isn’t a word in the first place.
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Webgems: Flu Vaccanations [sic] Will Enslave Us All

On the internet everyone is an absolute, total expert on legal affairs, military strategy, diplomacy, history, science and medicine.
I attempt to avoid their expertise when at all possible, but every once in a while an individual will capture my attention. It might be a carefully nuanced opinion, a clever retort, an all-caps tirade. Or it might just be some guy who’d be flummoxed by a light switch yet finds himself on the internet because the computer companies succeeded in making it so freaking easy to do.
Behold, the real truth about the H1N1 vaccine, courtesy William B. on Facebook:

its all a fraud,soon there will be forced vaccanations,detentions of the people who do not comply,and matrial law emposed / civil war!you have to understand..big pharma,who has been makeing this vaccs,for over 3 years now, way before the 1st case was reported to the c.d.c will not stand by and let some people slip thru..no its all about the money..and the govt,showing the people,that through problem,crises,solution,you need & want govt run healthcare.. its for you own good..


You have been whorned.

Did You Hear About The Guy Who Took On The Nigerian?

Longtime reader Mick sent me this Vanity Fair piece by Ted Travelstead wherein he takes on a Nigerian email scammer. Mick was reminded of something done here six years ago, and then again, and again, and again and again, and again, and again.
Thanks for remembering, Mick. I may be years ahead of Ted in this case, but he’s smarter as he managed to actually get paid for it.

Banterist Gets A Mashable Shout Out, Which I Am Told Is Good

An old Banterist post, Facebook in the Fuhrerbunker, made Mashable’s Top 5 Funniest Fake Facebook Pages list. This was the first I’d heard of Mashable – though that means absolutely nothing because I didn’t know who Jon and Kate were until last week when someone made a point to tell me.
Now I see that Mashable has over 1.1 million followers, which makes my Twitter page feel sad and worthless.

Send Your Money to Oblivion with Xoom.com

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If you’re tuning in late and never saw the video, you’ll probably never see the video. I took it down because the story has a happy ending, at least for me.
I received a call from the president of Xoom.com and spoke with him at length. It was the kind of customer hand-holding that I desperately needed in the first place. The kind of customer hand-holding a customer needs when his money vanishes into the ether. The kind of customer hand-holding that the president of a company should not have to provide personally. They pay people to do that stuff.
At any rate, it was a nice conversation and there are several positives from this:
One, Xoom sent me a check for the full amount of the transfer, even though they’ve yet to find out where they sent the original money.
Two, they recognized fundamental flaws in the way the company was presenting itself to new customers.
Three, they realized they had a problem with the Polish banking system that needed to be fixed in a big way. Imagine this scenario: You send money digitally to some clerk at a bank in Warsaw who then prints out a piece of paper, hops on a motorcycle and drives seven hours to the recipient’s branch. Insane? Yes, yes we know.
Four, customer support needs some tough, tough love.
So, kudos to the way Xoom’s president handled it. Assuming they iron out the bugs, I would in fact be willing to try them again because theoretically it’s the best and cheapest way to send money to Poland.

More Unclaimed Finances of the Rich & Famous

Every year thousands and thousands of people lose track of billions and billions of dollars as they move, die, or go into hiding. As a result, cash from things such as interest distributions, security deposits, tax reimbursements, canceled insurance policies and paychecks find themselves in the financial equivalent of the dead letter office.
The law dictates that this cash must sit around until the owner comes looking for it. Often times that’s never, especially if you’re Sean P. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs.
But the money is easy to find. By utilizing the free resources at the National Association for Unclaimed Property Administrators (NAUPA) and the unclaimed funds search engine at the NY State Comptroller’s office one can easily find out if relatives, friends or Ethan Hawke has money waiting for them.
Sadly, my grandma doesn’t – but Wesley Snipes does.
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MIKE WALLACE – 60 Minutes Legend
Time Warner
AL FRANKEN – Future Former Air America Host
EP Talent Services, SCIE (an entertainment paymaster), Walt Disney
KOFI ANNAN – Future Former UN Secretary General
Allstate Insurance
CAMILLE PAGLIA – Smartypants femin-ish
MetLife, Prudential
ANGELINA JOLIE – Puffy lipped home-wrecker
NYS Tax & Finance
JON STEWART – Entertainer
Walt Disney
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NATHAN LANE – Actor
Walt Disney, Chase Bank
AL SHARPTON – Blacktivist
State Farm, SCIE
RUDY GIULIANI – Mayor, presidential hopeful?
NYS Tax & Finance, Group Health, SCIE
MARTHA PLIMPTON – Actress
World Financial Network Bank, NYS Comptroller
WILLIAM L. SAFIRE – Journalist
Lucent Technologies, NCR
MONICA LEWINSKY – Humidor
Ford Motors
Palminteri.jpg
S.I. NEWHOUSE – Publisher
Aetna Health Management
MARIO BATALI – Chef du Jour
Tiffany & Company
JAYSON BLAIR – Pretend Journalist
ConEdison
HOWELL H. RAINES – Former NY Times Editor
Salomon Smith Barney
DEREK JETER – Testosterite
NYS Tax & Finance
MAER ROSHAN – Editor, RADAR
Florida Reciprocity
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SUSAN SARANDON – Tim Robbins’s Mom
NYS Comptroller, Sony Pictures
DEBORAH HARRY – Singer
News Publishing, Walt Disney, American Federation of Musicians
BETTE MIDLER – Crooner, Actress
Unity Mutual Life
LORNE MICHAELS – Canadian
SCIE
MIKE MYERS – Comedian, Canadian
SCIE
RACHEL DRATCH – Comedienne
SCIE
Hawke.jpg
JUDITH REGAN – O.J.’s Friend
Meredith Corp.
FLAVA FLAV
SCIE, MetLife, Group Health, United Healthcare
CHARLIE ROSE – PBS Fixture
WNET
LIV TYLER – Actress, Parent
WRLJ Maple
CHRISTOPHER NOTH – Actor, Restaurateur
Universal Studios
GEORGE SOROS – Billionaire Hungarian meddler
Guardian Life, Washington Post
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Merry Christmas, boy & girls.

The I’m Not Diddy Report

Hello. Today is Friday the 19th of May, 2006 and this is the I’m Not Diddy Report.
The I’m Not Diddy Report was apparently necessitated by the March 2005 posting of A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs. This post, coupled with Banterist’s high Google rank for “Diddy” searches and the generally piss-poor reading and satire comprehension skills of today’s youth, has resulted in the impression among many young adults that I am Diddy, and that Banterist is a Diddysite.
However, in the same way that Swift’s Modest Proposal was not actually recommending we eat children, A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs was not actually an attempt by Diddy to get you to vote for TiVo. In no way was Diddy attempting to make contact with his audience. And when you email this website, you are not reaching Diddy’s personal inbox, or assistant, but rather some guy in Manhattan whose heart sinks at the sorry command of satire that exists among our future voters and G-units.
Therefore, be advised the following messages did not reach Mr. Diddy, and presumably won’t ever do so unless he develops a hankering for humor and stumbles across this site while Googling himself – the odds of which seem slimmer than a Smiths reunion:
From: philblack1988
hi
i justwanna get in touch with p.diddy for an important bussiness
thank you bye
Diddy’s presumed response: It’s Diddy now, not P. Diddy. No.
From: LaffyTaffyGrl911
Dear P-Diddy
Hi we are the Mid-Penn Motion AAU basketball team. We resently just went to regionals in Philly and came in 4th place and the tourtement only takes only takes 4 teams to Nationals. So we just made it. Nationals is in Ohio and were not the richest team so we were wandering if you could make a donation of some sort. To help this team go to Ohio. If you do you get your name on the shooting jersey and a plaque with a picture of the team on it. This would help the team so much and just would be great. We respect your decision and hope that you can help us out. Thankyou
From Mid-Penn Motion AAU Basketball Team
Diddy’s presumed response: It’s Diddy now. Send photos of you ladies.
From: tamika_murphy
hey p-diddy my name is tamika and i just wanna ask u a question i have a friend that make music his name is mike but he calls hisself exclusive and he has been doing this for a while but i told him to believe in his self. so do u think that u can listen to it please just email me to let me know ok. i love u pdiddy
Diddy’s presumed response: It’s Diddy now. What’s wrong with you people? Don’t you read my press releases? I have a PR bitch on retainer. Yeah, he has to believe in his self. Send photos.
From: gnisfajes
I LUV WHAT YOU DO; PDIDDY I ALSO LUV EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. DON;T WORRY I WON;T EVER STAWK YOU BECAUSE THAT IS NOT MY STYLE I THINK THATS’ FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE NOTHING TO DO.PDIDDY I THINK YOU DESERVE EVERY AWARD OUT THERE THAT IS MADE EXCEPT FOR THE PHD AWARD BECAUSE YOU ARE MOST DEFINENTLY NOT THAT INFACT YOU TRY HELP EVERYONE.PDIDDY I WOULD LUV TO MEET YOU ONEDAY JUST NOT RIGHT NOW .I FEEL VERY UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE LET ME SHAPE MYSELF UP FOR YOU.
Diddy’s presumed response: Hold up. Did I or did I not issue a press release stating I was just Diddy now? You want to piss Diddy off, you doing it. Best you drop that P right now, like I requested months ago, or I’m going to have some bad boy entertainment on your face. And when you shape yourself up for me, send photos. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go mumble over Neil Young’s shit new single.

Maximum Freshness

When the Mentos lady comes calling, you don’t let her down.
An earlier request for assistance on her behalf has been fruitful. After twelve long years I am pleased to report someone came through and there’s a very happy woman several time zones away in South Africa who finally gets to see her legendary commercial.
Kudos to the man who spearheaded the effort, and coincidentally happens to have his own well-known commerical.
A shining example of the internet being used for something other than porn.

Petition: More Non-Lame Places On Blue Marlin Apparel

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Dear Blue Marlin Clothing:
The ability to express oneself via clothing and/or bumper sticker is a very important right that the Founding Fathers may or may not have thought of. Regardless, it is our belief that Blue Marlin provides a valuable service by producing quality clothing, the wearing of which allows us to endorse various locales.
Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that the majority of the locales Blue Marlin offers us the chance to promote are terribly lame. To wit:
Cuba – Any country that rations soap and where buildings dissolve in rain… not so good.
Jamaica – Whores and pot, and everyone wants to braid your hair and sell you a sea shell they just picked up.
CCCP – The Soviet Union was not kitschy. For starters, white ice cream was called “vanilla” but had no flavoring because it was too expensive to import.
Mexico – There’s a reason folks keep moving from there, and it’s not because they’re psyched about gardening.
Tokyo – Up to no good. Tricked us into eating raw fish before breaking out the bukkake and hentai madness.
England – Everyone who loves England already has a shirt. The rest think it’s old and dirty. And Morrissey’s always whining.
New York – Put a fork in it.
Ireland – Their unprecedented economic bounceback has shown that they’re very functional drunks and don’t need our love and admiration anymore. Done.
Brasil – No one wants to advertise a country associated with pre-op transsexuals and homeless children.
Roma – The Coliseum is impressive but the city is filthy and people ride mopeds into your crotch.
Sicily – Birthplace of the Mafia and overly-doughy pizza.
Berlin – After all these years, still Hitler’s ‘hood.
Zimbabwe – Robert Mugabe chased all the white farmers out of the country and gave the land to his cronies, sparking a famine and devastating one of the few decent economies in Africa. Let us not praise that through apparel.
After browsing though a rack of Blue Marlin clothing, it’s obvious what the problem is: The Baltic and Scandinavian states are under-represented. Everyone loves Australia and New Zealand, can’t go wrong there. Eastern Europe has great beer and hot chicks – why no hoodies? And let’s not forget Taiwan, which will some day be a collector’s item.
And frankly you’re missing out by carrying no Canada clothing. They won’t leave the house with fewer than seven maple leaves, lest they be confused for Americans.
We hope you will take this into consideration before your next round of embroidery or silk-screening – that we may then wear Blue Marlin clothing which advertises a country we’re proud of. One which may be completely boring but at the very least is not associated with hookers or famine. Perhaps Latvia, Iceland or Croatia.
Guam even.
We hope you will consider our humble request.
(Petition is here)

A Very Patient Damsel In Distress

One of the great glories of the internet is its ability to connect you with people from all over the world. Some of them creepy, some of them old acquaintances who may or may not be creepy, and some of them completely unexpected brushes with greatness.
Many of you will remember the Mentos commercials of yesteryear. The ones that made everyone scratch their heads and ask, “What the hell was that?” and “Was that serious?”
Those were the commercials that made life look sweet and silly. Carefree, fun-loving commercials which took place in a world free from murderous cartoon riots. A world where broken heels and getting paint on your suit were gut-busting hilarious.
One Mentos spot in particular caught my fancy: A cute young lady’s car is boxed in by a mean-spirited executive type. He’s indifferent. She pops a Mentos. Four guys in overalls move her car for her and all is well. Mentos retains its status as Freshmaker.
Well, that woman just emailed me. She’s in South Africa. She’s never seen the commercial. She’s been trying to get a copy of her commercial for thirteen long, unfresh years.
Thirteen years.
Why me? She found me on the internet. Many years ago I applied my ludicrous film school education to do what film students do to please their Marxo-feminist professors, which is write utter nonsense. Using my acquired skills in bullshit, I compared that particular commercial to the 1917 Bolshevik revolution. It went online and thirteen long years later she Googled it, found me, and has asked for help.
This woman is a legend. She’s part of our generation’s collective memory. She inspired the Foo Fighters.
We are her Obi Wan. If you know where one can find a copy of this commercial, please tell. We can do this. We can reach out and touch history and make a South African actress happy after thirteen Mentoless years. Isn’t that what being fresh and full of life is all about?
Addendum 30 Mar 2006:
Success! A tape arrived. A young woman is very happy. All is fresh with the world.
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Should you be interested, this is the piece which connected me with this most fresh celebrity:

Continue reading…

The World’s Most Comprehensive Junk Email

Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo.
Regrettably the news I bring is not as enjoyable as a celebrity ringtone or barnyard orgy. In fact, if this news upsets you, you may want to try the discreet online pharmacy for prescription-free Xanax.
Unfortunately I have to report that Mr. Mbobo was killed in a terrible car accident. Although he usually spent most of his time making $15,000 in 30 days from the home he purchased with his pre-approved mortgage, he was in the free car he won as a result of participating in a nationwide ice cream survey. Sadly, Mr. Mbobo, his wife, and his two hot webcam girls were killed in the accident – a circumstance which can not be reversed like baldness can with an herbal cure. Mr. Mbobo’s amazing replica Rolex was destroyed in the accident, and to make matters worse he had not taken advantage of a free auto insurance quote.
Mr. Mbobo had recently won the international lottery, which excited him more than discount Ephedra. He had planned to use the additional money to purchase shares of Koko Petroleum (KKPT.PK), a hot, undiscovered gem of a stock I would encourage you to purchase immediately. His funds, including monies received from his advance payday loan and $250 Old Navy Gift Card, were located in an account valued at $45 Million (US Dollars). These funds are currently in an account in Liberia. You needn’t have earned your degree online to realize that Liberia is suffering from civil strife and as a result bulk ink cartridges are as hard to come by as Cialis soft tabs. The government can not be trusted with finances or complimentary platinum cards, just as surely as your PayPal account has been compromised.
For that reason, I am looking to spirit the funds out of the country. To do this I will require the assistance of a reliable party in your country – which is why I am contacting you and not an 18-year old hardcore hottie. In return for your assistance, I will offer 10% of the proceeds ($4.5 Million) and a chance to accept credit cards and enlarge your penis.
To properly execute this transaction I will require your complete cooperation and a Texas hold ’em poker face. You are known as someone who is trustworthy, with plenty of hot singles in your area looking for love. We believe you can help us get out of debt forever.
I await your contact at criminy.c@gmail.com but if you are unable to assist me, I ask that you erase all traces of this confidential, urgent message with the #1 spyware remover on the market.
I look forward to working with you more than a $99 Disney vacation.
Your good friend,
Ethics T. Foreclosure
Jackboot curry basic wigwam stiff adventure Kevin Bacon melon ladle birthday party cheesecake jellybean boom

Unclaimed Finances of The Rich & Famous

Every year, millions of dollars in assets remain unclaimed because the rightful owner could not be located – usually because they moved to a new address or died while doing drugs at the Viper Room. Unable to distribute these funds, but required by law to hold on to them, companies simply keep cash and stock sitting in accounts in the event their owner ever comes calling. While searching an asset-tracing database for some long-lost cash of my own, I wondered who else might have a little missing money somewhere. The answer? Apparently everyone. The winner? Screen legend and anti-Semite Marlon Brando who has an unclaimed check for $48,007.94 with his name on it. Someone tell Christian.
Here are some others. Addresses removed because that wouldn’t be nice.

Celebrities:

ANISTON, JENNIFER
LOS ANGELES, CA 90036
$107.75 TIFFANY MERCHANDISE CREDITS

CLOONEY, GEORGE
BEVERLY HILLS CA 90212
$180.00 WARNER BROS. FILM AND ENTERTAINMENT

REEVES, KEANU
LOS ANGELES CA 90048
$85.60 PACIFIC BELL

EASTWOOD, CLINT
$186.38 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY
$724.51 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY
$137.01 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY

SIXX, NIKKI
LOS ANGELES CA 90069
$912.30
FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY
$220.96 CEDARS SINAI MEDICAL CENTER

Celebrities who hath shat upon the institution of marriage:

PITT, BRAD
RESEDA CA 91335
$85.87 WARNER BROS

BARRYMORE, DREW
HOLLYWOOD 90028
$84.66 MCA RECORDS INC

SPEARS, BRITNEY
ORLANDO FL 32809
$828.29 CAST & CREW TALENT SERVICES INC

JOLIE, ANGELINA
BEVERLY HILLS CA 90212
$602.83 PROGRESSIVE TITLE COMPANY, WESTLAND ESCROW DIVISION

GABOR, ZSA ZSA
LOS ANGELES CA 90077
$129.35 WARNER BROS. FILM AND ENTERTAINMENT

SHEEN, CHARLIE
LOS ANGELES CA 90024
$560.12 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY

Continue reading…

Dear Person Who Hacked Paris Hilton’s Cell Phone

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By making Ms. Hilton’s phone book and emails available for all to see, you provided me with much entertainment on a lazy Sunday. I thoroughly enjoyed the fruits of your labor, gleefully imagining the fury that would be directed at Ms. Hilton after Eminem received his ninetieth wake-up call from some adoring, aspiring wigga. I thought long and hard about calling up “Dad” and cursing him for producing such a monstrosity and unleashing it on the public. I spent valuable seconds wondering if a mundane entry like “Rite Aid” was for a pharmacy – or a drug dealer. I wonder if “Egplant dike ass” will be upset when she recognizes her phone number.
Though I was pleased to see the number for “Feed the children” in there, she didn’t gain any points with me. I can’t stand her and neither, obviously, can you.
We share the same distaste for the girl. We’re appalled by the vapidity, the hubris, the logic-defying celebrity status bestowed on her by dunces. You cringe as I cringe. You shake your head as I do. You don’t get it as I don’t get it.
No doubt you were as traumatized as I was that the video of her humping an opportunistic sleazeball didn’t send her off to oblivion – but rather made her bigger and more powerful. Just like the blob in The Blob. I saw this as a sign that the world was going to Hell, and so did you. Indeed, perhaps she’s Satan in a tart costume.
Speaking of Satan – who do you think would email back if I sent “Christ” a message? She can’t be that connected, can she? He’s there in her address book, two up from Chris Judd, just under “Mr. Chows.”
Though I find Ms. Hilton a classless drain on all things decent and believe she cheerfully, vacantly represents almost everything that’s wrong with society today, my contempt for the strumpet ends at calling her names. You? You’ve got moxie, my boy. You take action.
Now, what you did was wrong of course. Your callous disregard for collateral damage was on par with the average Islamist. Come tomorrow – after having received countless emails and phone calls from freaks worldwide – hundreds of innocent and not-so-innocent people or their assistants will be forced to spend their President’s Day obtaining new phone numbers and email addresses.
Because of what you did to Ms. Hilton, other folks were hurt or placed in harm’s way. Ashlee Simpson might get a call reminding her that she’s a fraud perpetrating a joke on the song-downloading public. Ditto Lindsay Lohan. And Lauren Popeil, heiress to Ronco, might be hounded by people upset that her dad’s Food Dehydrator is a piece of crap.
A lot of folks – and inexplicably Pauly Shore – were caught in the crossfire. So shame on you.
But how totally, totally awesome.
Sure we’ve all seen Paris naked, committing oral sodomy in night vision, but your felonious adventure provided pretty much anyone with internet access the opportunity to catch a glimpse of the little portion of Paris they hadn’t yet seen. The Paris who, according to her personal notes, has to “Get birth control kill pill.” The Paris who has “Tell ken about jess trying to bone JT” as a to-do. The business-savvy Paris who plans to “Do that’s hot tank tops like chrome hearts iold english writinh that’s hot with crosses and tiatas.”
Thanks to the overwhelming Paris Hilton media offensive (pun intended), the content of her Sidekick phone was actually the only Paris-related thing left for the general population to find out about. Now that you went the extra mile and provided it to us, I can’t help but wonder: is she over?
Of course she isn’t. That would simply be too lucky. Sure, we’d love to think of her being dis-invited to parties and airbrushed off magazine covers. But it’s not going to happen. I wouldn’t say we’ll always have Paris, but she’ll be desecrating the culture a bit longer. Sigh.
Not to say the sacrifice you’ll be making is in vain; you gave us brief joy and a glimmer of hope. For that, I thank you. No doubt a good portion of the public thanks you. Pauly Shore, ironically, probably thanks you. In fact the only people not thanking you would be the heiress herself, and 500 of her closest “friends.”

Field Guide To Online Dating Profile Photography

Mark Harris, comedian and AirTran baggage handler, is a self-described Japabilly – the end result of sexual congress between a tiny Okinawan lady and an Ozark Mountain ex-Marine Corps hillbilly. Here, Mark offers photographic representation of the various photos one will find on online dating services.

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THE FAUX-CANDID (FC) has a profile that contains phrases like “first time for me” and “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” They would like you to believe that they were unaware that their profile photo was being taken, and that this is how they look when not really posing. They are in denial and consider themselves “above” the online scene, while at the same time logging in every twelve minutes to see if someone likes them. Faux-Candids are tiresome braggarts, and if they’ve ever been to Bobby DeNiro’s annual pig roast the entire room is sure to hear about it.

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THE PRIZE likes to employ a photograph that contains someone else of the opposite sex. This is done to provide visual proof that they are neither sad nor lonely since at least once in their lives they had someone willing to stand in close proximity to them. A man will always use the picture of the hottest woman he has ever stood next to; the less attractive that person was, the more their photo will have been cut or modified.

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THE FRIENDSTER exhibits similar qualities as THE PRIZE, as he wants you to know that he has been in the company of others and they did not run away. The Friendster wants you to know that there’s a party, and you’re invited to come join it. The Friendster has a familiarity with the whorehouses of Costa Rica.

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THE MUGSHOT, not ironically, indicates unimaginative, brain-dead potential criminals. Mugshotters have defecated in public and killed squirrels. The Mugshotter thinks Kafka is what you do if you have a chest cold. A date with a mugshotter involves coupons, and the evening often ends with a request for a blowjob no matter how the date went.

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THE LONG-DISTANCE LOVER (LDL) is painfully insecure about his or her looks and generally avoids a photograph that would reveal body flaws, be they perceived or real. This is a good indication that the person in the photograph is tremendously weak and will exhibit qualities that will scare you away after the first or second date. These annoyances include calling several times but not leaving a message (despite Caller ID) and sulking if you look at someone else during dinner.

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THE SELF-SHOOTER is one of the sadder profile photos, as it means the person has no decent existing pictures, or any friends to take a new one. The Self-Shooter is bi-curious, only because it increases the odds of someone touching him.

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THE WEBCAMMER is frightening, because his technology is dated, which suggests he is backwards intellectually, financially or both. The Webcammer just recently heard that Barracuda jackets were in. If anyone you meet online is going to be the type to masturbate in a public library, it’s the Webcammer.

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THE EXTREME CLOSE-UP (XCU) is employed generally to disguise morbid obesity, called “voluptuous” in today’s internet dating-speak. They would like you to love them for who they are on the inside, rather than their inability to mount a doorstep without breaking into a sweat on the outside. Most folks see through the XCU, and those who employ it in their profile photo traditionally die alone. Two other approaches yield much better results: honesty and smaller portions.

The Craigslist Euthanist Theory

THEORY
A public job listing for an animal euthanist will go over poorly.


SCIENTIFIC STUDY
1:17 PM – The following is posted in the Jobs section of Craigslist:
Seeking Experienced Euthanist for Animal Facility
New Jersey animal science facility seeks an experienced Euthanist. You should be skilled in euthanizing not only standard test dogs and cats, but also horses, pigs, rabbits, monkeys and various rodentia, some birds. If you do not have this experience we will be willing to provide training to an individual with the right qualifications.
This is a full-time job with health benefits. You should be prepared to euthanize 50-250 animals per week, depending on current testing conditions. Please be prepared for this – our last three euthanists have been unable to perform to our standards.
Please send resume and salary requirements. Thank you.

1:45 PM – Email Received:
Greetings….
Could you please consider me for ‘ANY’ job on full time/part time/project basis.
I have been working as a data entry/bookeeping clerk and a website developer for over five years.
If I am not fit for the job posted by you then kindly consider me for any other opening.
My rates are:
$5.00/hour for contract job
$120/week for part time service and
$259/week for full time service (8 hrs)
I can only telecommute, as I am physically disabled and is located “FAR AWAY” from your place.
I am equipped with a Pentium IV PC and 24 hours net connection.
If you have a computer microphone then you can give me dictation to type.

2:02 PM – Someone posts the listing in the “Pets” forum.
“Did you SEE THIS???”

3:03 PM – Email Received
YOUR FAMILIES SHOULD BE EUTHANIZED!
You disgusting excuse for a human being.

3:10 PM – Someone posts the listing in the “Pets” forum.
“Attention all animal lovers…”

3:11 PM – Email Received
how horrific. please stop this animal testing. be kind.

3:19 PM – Email Received
what are the qualifications, ice water for blood?

3:26 PM – Email Received
This ad is very upsetting for any animal lovers. I would remove it if I were you. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

3:44 PM – Email Received
I am very interested in this job. I have many years of experience as a med tech taking blood from humans in a human hospital and am sure that I can perform the necessary work needed to facilitate your research regarding the proper humane discard of animals.

5:00 PM – Email Received
Good Afternoon
I just came across your ad on Criagslist seeking an experienced euthanist for animals for your company. I am experienced in working in an animal hospital where I assisted in euthanasia procedures on a constant level. I was employed there for over 2 years. I enjoyed my work immensely and wish to return to this line of work. Many may call me morbid for enjoying euthanasia procedures, but I explain it like this. An animal in pain or suffering should be given the mercy of peace by euthanasia. I would truly like to be considered for this position and would like very much to be trained to properly perform up to your company’s standards.

5:29 PM – Email Received
You’re disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves

5:38 PM – Post “flagged and removed” by users of Craigslist.

RESULTS OF STUDY
Lifespan of job posting: 4 hours 21 minutes
Summary: There is sufficient reason to believe that job listings for Animal Euthanists are not popular, and most likely will not be productive.
However, even a nauseating job listing will attract some interest from Indian guys offering to work for $5 an hour or job-seeking Sodium Penobarbitol enthusiasts.
Furthermore, it is apparent that the Craigslist community is somewhat censorious, and will vote to remove a job listing for a job they do not agree with, even though it may be a legitimate listing.

A New Nigerian Counter-Con

It’s going to be hard to top the Dr. Abu exchange, but there is no shortage of con artists on whom the art of the counter-con can be perpetrated.
The latest round involves ‘Graham Dasuki’, whose familiar form letter includes references to doctors, alleged bigwig Nigerian politicians, and, of course, millions and millions of dollars they’ll wire to me as soon as I provide my bank account information.
Mind you, people do fall for this con. Some people have gotten so involved that they’ve lost tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars. A few people foolish enough to go to Nigeria to get their money back have even been murdered ‘ recently as a matter of fact. These are bad guys, and they prey on the greedy and the not-so-bright.
But they’re not so bright either, as well see ‘

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