Named That Restaurant

Last week, or whenever it was, I asked you for suggestions regarding a name for my step-brother’s steakhouse. I didn’t want to limit you or put ideas in your head so I gave you very little information. You did not let this lack of details hinder you in any way.
I learned two things:
1: I have a large, quiet readership that makes themselves known as soon as you offer $500 for something.
2: I have a large, quiet readership that would name a place “Meat Here” if they had the chance.
Thank you to everyone who emailed and commented with their ideas, even if you did it solely for the money. I sent the ideas – with the exception of “Meat Here” and “Hindu Hell” – to the people responsible for naming the steakhouse. The people responsible for naming the steakhouse picked their favorites, created their own favorites, and talked to lawyers – ususally the death knell of any creative endeavor.
We had a lot of submissions. Many of them were horrible. Many were off-mark because I didn’t give you enough to work with so you assumed it was Italian-themed or located in Boise. Many names were quite good – but most of those names were taken. In fact, a lot of names are taken. In the old days you could have a Rare Steakhouse in Arizona and one in New York, but these days it’s not so easy. People register things, they fight over domain names, and they get legal over long distances. This helps lawyers buy boats.
In the end the names were reduced to a shortlist of names that were considered good and/or not registered. As I expected, I was left out of the decision-making process until a decision was made. Papers were signed, lawyers were paid, and a check for $500 was mailed to Kate in Los Angeles, which is in California.

The people responsible for naming the steakhouse went with "Metro 9" because it's in a metro area and on Route 9. What do you think about the name "Metro 9"? The people responsible for naming the steakhouse went with ‘Metro 9’ because it's in a metro area and on Route 9. What do you think about the name ‘Metro 9’?
It's a terrible name for a steakhouse and if I were a Muslim fanatic I'd burn their embassy down.
It's a mediocre name for a steakhouse and I would send them back to steakhouse naming school.
It's a good name for a steakhouse because it's neither Italian nor a meat-related pun.
It's a very good name for a steakhouse and I might eat there if I knew where it was.
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Your New Monkey


Your New Monkey was originally designed to traumatize a good friend, but I see no reason not to share it with the general public.
If you’ve ever wanted to send a friend or worthy adversary a three-page notice about the impending arrival of a gift monkey, this PDF is for you.
Download: Your New Monkey
10/03: Magician/entertainer Penn Jillette mention

Name That Restaurant

It’s not easy naming a restaurant.
Certainly at one time or another you’ve passed an establishment and thought to yourself, “I could have done better than Lettuce Soup-rise You.”
Maybe you weren’t amused by Great Eggspectations as much as the owner was.
Perhaps you even considered setting fire to Pastabilities.
I understand. There are lots of bad restaurant names. Because it’s just not easy naming a restaurant. For every great name there are hundreds of duds. Like O Salad Mio.
When we named my step-brother’s pub we plucked a full Irish name out of the air. It turned out to be the same name as an Irish politician a Dublin friend described as our Dan Quayle. We got by because no one here knows Irish politicians. But, every so often someone from across the pond would enter and ask, “Why’d you name this place after him?”
Now my step-brother’s steak place needs a name, and it’s no easier. Chops and Bones are taken. Anything to do with beef or wine seems to be taken. Beefplace is stupid. Steak Force is awful.
And, of course, Hitler’s Cross was already registered by a sharp Mumbai restaurateur.
Basically – aside from your blog and MySpace rantings – this is your big chance to prove you’re a creative powerhouse. Your chance to keep a Sir Loins from happening.
Name my step-brother’s steakhouse and he’ll pay you $500. You’ll be half a grand richer. And you can say, “See Steakitorium over there? I came up with that.”
But don’t come up with Steakitorium because that sucks.
Here’s what to consider:
-It’s a steak place. A very nice, not-too-expensive but not-Sizzler steak place.
-Imagine a place with great wine and great food. Now imagine it will go out of business if you name it Steer n’ Stein.
-The name should sound good with “Steakhouse” after it, because it probably will have “Steakhouse” after it.
-The name should not blow. Seriously consider if you yourself would sink money into a place called What’s Your Beef? before suggesting that someone else do so.
-Resist the temptation to send every idea that’s ever crossed your mind. Assume the thesaurus entry for “beef” has already been studied at length. Predictable names have already been presented and discarded.
My favorite steakhouse name is Strip House in Manhattan. They have excellent steak and outrageously over-priced appetizers.
Here’s how this is being done:
-You can email the names or post them as a comment if you’re extra proud of them. Just make sure your email is legit in case you need to be contacted.
-Suggestions that aren’t horrendous, or existing establishments, will be forwarded to the decision-makers.
-The person who emailed/posted the suggestion first gets the credit. If you’re the second person to suggest Steak Zone you’re out of luck. But don’t worry, Steak Zone blows and they’d never go with it. Ditto Steaktopia.
-If they use your suggestion they’ll give you $500. If they kind of use your suggestion, such as taking Steak Land from Bob’s Super Steak House and Land O’ Wines it will be up to their discretion how much of an influence you were.
-Hurry. Liquor license people don’t like to be kept waiting.
A name has been chosen. Your input is welcome.

Convenient Gangsta Press Release

For Immediate Release
____________ grew up on the mean streets of ____________, living with ___ siblings and his mother in a dilapidated two-room apartment in the ____________ housing projects.
____________ never knew his father, a neighborhood ____________ who was ____________ to death in a barroom brawl in February ____________. A chip off the old block, ____________ already had a considerable rap sheet by age ____, and was known to law enforcement as a member of the ____________ Gang. Various arrests for everything from ____________ to ____________ saw to it that ____________ was in and out of jail ___ times before he was ___ years old. It was during these years that ____________ saw a career in music as his only possible way out of the ‘hood.
He has an amazing capacity for survival, narrowly escaping _____ attempts on his life. But rather than being dominated by fear, he considers those attempts and subsequent scars from his ____________ wounds to be points of pride, proof that he’s no poser. Rather, ____________ wants people know he’s earned his reputation as a man who was shaped by a rough & tumble life. He insists that his boisterous lyrics, which his detractors find controversial and ____________, are not posturing but rather a true slice of Gangsta life
“I’m the real deal,” says ____________.
____________’s longtime mentor was ____________, who just last week was ____________while sitting in his ____________, an apparent victim of the East & West coast record label rivalry that has claimed ____________ of the genre’s luminaries so far. Though the authorities have few solid leads on the homicide, ____________ seems to think he knows who is ultimately responsible. But he isn’t talking about it.
____________’s latest endeavor, ____________________, is his best yet. Fans are sure not to be disappointed with pull-no-punches tracks such as “_____________________” and the current #___ Billboard hit, “_____________________.”
_____________________ is available at all _____-_____ stores.