Television

Must Be A Good Casting Director

A “breakdown” is industry parlance for a list of the characters in a script that a casting director is looking to cast. Actors and their agents read the character descriptions in a breakdown to see if there are any roles they should audition for.
Breakdowns can range in size from one sentence to a whole paragraph. Here’s one:

DENNY – Male, 18 to play 15-18, open ethnicity. Asthmatic, heavy breathing, loud, overly nerdy, & socially awkward. He could tell you what Captain Kirk said in scene three, line two, of episode 43. Improv experience preferred. Knowledge of comic books, video games, computers, & anything geeky preferred.

And here’s another one. It’s shorter, but you still can get a sense of what they’re looking for:

JONES – African American male. Age late 30’s to early 50’s. He is Taja’s ‘bad boy’ boyfriend.

And here is the worst, laziest breakdown I’ve ever seen:
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Not A Doctor But Play One on Glenn Beck – 03-19-09

Watch more Glenn Beck videos on AOL Video


I love the automatically generated transcript, which the Fox site warns “may not be 100% accurate.” I’d say. More like the ramblings of a guy wandering down the middle of Fifth Avenue. This is what it thinks I said:

O’Reilly and Hannity don’t even weep in private now to an absurd your very different than a typical Fox News host — with the exception of shepherd who is gentleman has — stuff where he called robo.


There’s an argument for out-sourcing transcription to India there.

Angry Independent Segment – “Polytykes as Usual”


This is my most recent “Angry Independent” segment on Glenn Beck – and actually the last “Angry Independent” segment on Glenn Beck for now because Glenn stopped the show last Thursday in preparation for a move to Fox in February. I learned this only when somebody emailed me to ask me if I knew Glenn was moving to Fox. That’s how out of the loop I am.
Anyway, it’s too bad because there was plenty to complain about with this election. I’d hoped to touch upon the lack of attention third parties get, and my disdain for the “Vote No Matter What!” ads that encourage people who don’t know anything about their candidates to rush out and vote. That’s not really democracy, that’s dumbocracy.
This “Politykes” installment is one of my favorites because I detest using kids as props in a political campaign. It’s creepy, as evidenced by the startlingly awful “Sing for Change” video and it’s corny, as we see in the “Kids for McCain” spot. Really, must we drag our little ones into this? I think we should endeavor to keep kids non-partisan for as long as possible.

Understanding Your Cable Bill

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EQUIPMENT CHARGES
DVR Service Rental Fee
This is the charge for the Scientific Atlanta Digital Video Recorder that crashes every 3-6 months and erases all your programs.
HD Upgrade Fee
This is the charge for upgrading to the HD cable box that records your favorite programs in High Definition before crashing and erasing them.
Additional Converter Fee
This is the charge for the convenience of having additional cable boxes that can crash and erase your programs in different parts of the house.
Accessories Rental Fee
This is the monthly rental charge for the remote control that comes with your cable box. The remote allows you to control your cable box from the comfort of your sofa, unless the cable box is in the process of crashing, rebooting and erasing all your programs.
Service Protection Plan
This charge will keep us from charging you for coming out to replace the DVR when it crashes and erases all your programs.
TAXES AND FEES
Franchise Fee
This is the charge for being a customer of the only cable company you can be a customer of.
FCC Regulatory Fee
This charge helps the government protect you from nipples.
Access Fee
This charge insures that you have access to the cable programming you are paying to access.
Utility Tax
This charge improves your municipality, or the mayor of your municipality, depending on your municipality.
PACKAGES
Basic
Includes just enough programming to make you realize you need more packages.
Lonelyhearts Package
Includes SciFi, CatFancy, Friend On Demand and Nothing But Fuddruckers channel.
I Think My Wife Left Package
Includes ESPN, ESPN Classic, ESPN2, ESPN Latino, ESPN Classic Latino 2.
Original Programming Was Inspired By HBO Package
Includes Showtime.
I Will Watch Anything Package
Soap, QVC, HSN, Game Show Network, Video Feedback, TV Guide.
Electric Nanny Package
Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, Please Stop Crying On Demand.

Johnny Berlin

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Dear Reader:
I humbly request that you attend the New York Television Festival screening of Johnny Berlin, a delightful film which features my name in the credits.
Even if my name were not in the credits I would urge you to see this film as it is unusual and entertaining. Much more entertaining than the “comedy” group I saw mocking D-Day casualties a few weeks ago in the Lower East Side.
If you live in New York it will be quite easy to attend the screenings since it is in New York and you live here. If you live elsewhere, please book a flight at your expense or try your hand at fractional jet ownership.
All that’s important is you attend the screening of Johnny Berlin, a refreshingly funny film directed by Dominic DeJoseph; executive-produced by Michael Stipe and Jim McKay; produced by Ted Green and most important to me, me.

Continue reading…

Poland Dispatch: Sign Language Lady

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Admittedly, I have taken Closed Captioning for granted all my life. That was until this evening when I discovered Polish Sign Language Lady.
Polish Sign Language Lady is a portly, bespectacled, beyond middle-aged woman who sits in the bottom right hand corner of the television during the broadcast of the Polish soap opera M Jak Milsoc (L as in Love) on TV Polonia’s Channel 2. Nothing separates her from the actual program, such as a box or different colored background, so she appears in the scene itself – signing away as the actors speak or sitting quietly with her hands in her lap during less talkative moments such as the scene where a bikini-clad woman inexplicably sauntered around her friends to a vaudeville soundtrack.
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One might think having a hyperactive Polish elder in the corner of every scene would prove to be distracting. It totally, totally is. Perhaps with training one can try and pretend that there’s not someone flailing away in the southeast corner of your LCD display during a dramatic exchange, but the untrained Polish soap opera watcher such as myself is hard-pressed to avert his or her gaze. I can’t really follow the show anyway – my Polish isn’t up to snuff, even for soap dialogue – so I became transfixed by the ever-present grey-haired temptress in the corner.
She lost me briefly during a scene with an exposed breast, but only because I momentarily freaked out about the FCC’s reaction to such a provocation. However, she had my attention moments after I remembered I was in Europe and not subject to the whim of repressed puritans and the government bureaucracy that goes to bat for them. Here, the only reason Janet Jackson would have made waves with her boobantics is because only six people in Poland have ever seen a black breast, much less one with a starfish on it.
But back to Polish Sign Language Lady.
On occasion, during moments where there was an extended dialogue-free period, Polish Sign Language Lady would dissolve away, only to re-appear instantly when dialogue commenced. All this did was draw my attention even more, as a miniature old lady suddenly appearing on a man’s shoulder during a scene about an affair is, frankly, kind of funny.
Why hasn’t TV Polonia 2 upgraded to more conventional means of reaching the deaf Polish audience? I don’t know. Perhaps there’s a powerful union of Polish sign language interpreters in cahoots with the industry. Perhaps Polish Sign Language Lady has had the gig for 30 years, and no one has the heart to fire her. Or perhaps they haven’t figured out a way to type closed-caption dialogue on the fly for a language that’s mostly a maniacal jumble of consonants. Regardless, Polish Sign Language Lady is one of my favorite shows, and I’m not even quite sure what it’s about.
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What My Wife Has Learned From Watching The Forensic Files

My wife has watched Forensic Files religiously ever since our Tivo discovered it for her. Tivo studied her viewing patterns, as Tivo does, and after noticing that she kept coming back to HBO’s Autopsy series, Tivo correctly assumed she would like to learn more about murder methods and body disposal techniques.
Now, thanks to Forensic Files, my wife has a solid understanding of all the dos and don’ts of dispatching your spouse. The odds of her killing me and getting away with it are significantly higher now than they were before Tivo thought she needed to know such things. I was much better off when all she watched was Curb Your Enthusiasm and Klan, a Polish soap opera.
Taking into consideration her vast knowledge of forensic techniques and past criminal cases, I have undertaken to evaluate methods she may or may not employ to dispatch me were she to be enraged by my not cleaning the stove.
SCENARIO
I am in the kitchen enjoying a delicious, unpronounceable Polish wafer cookie; a gift from my mother-in-law. I am facing east. My wife enters from the west end of the kitchen. She notices I have not cleaned the stove as she had asked early that morning. Enraged at this, my wife decides to kill me.
HER OPTIONS
BLUDGEONING: This certainly seems like one of the most logical ways for my wife to murder me in the kitchen in a moment of rage. The kitchen is filled with blunt and potentially lethal instruments, like a juicer or rolling pin.
However, my wife is now well aware that bludgeoning is fairly messy and often leaves a variety of telltale signs that a murder has been committed, no matter how good she is at disposing of my body.
Thanks to Forensic Files, my wife would be concerned about blood spatter patterns that I might leave on the new cabinetry or artistically painted wall. Besides the fact that my blood spatter would tarnish the newly-remodeled kitchen, it would also indicate angle of attack as well as velocity of impact. Investigators would be able to determine the height and strength of the attacker, which of course would be her.
In addition, she may unwittingly leave fingerprints on the blunt instrument, as well as skin and bone fragments from my head. She knows full well that blood, skin and bone fragments would turn a missing-persons case into a homicide investigation, and she wouldn’t want that.
Therefore, I do not believe my wife would bludgeon me in the kitchen, or anywhere else for that matter, no matter how dirty the stove.
GUNSHOT: I would be very surprised to be shot by my wife for two reasons. One, she’s my wife and she usually likes me. Two, she watches Forensic Files and knows better.
A gunshot would possibly alert my English neighbors, the new couple down the hall, and possibly the overly-inquisitive doorman. In addition, I live across the street from a trendy 24-hour diner which could provide a slew of pretentious eye-witnesses; we haven’t had any window covering since I removed the $3.49 Bed, Bath & Beyond paper shade. Price does not include tax.
A gunshot is likely to produce massive amounts of blood which she knows can be easily detected by any crime scene specialist using Luminol, no matter how much she cleans the kitchen floor.
Certainly there would be a great deal of irony in my wife shooting me for not cleaning the stove and making a bloody mess in the process. I would be sorry to miss that irony, as I tend to enjoy it.
Regardless, I do not think my wife would shoot me in the kitchen.
STABBING: Much like the gunshot, this is probably not a good way for her to kill me in the kitchen. Though stabbing is far quieter and would not alert my English neighbors, the guys down the hall or the overly-inquisitive doorman, it still has the potential to leave plenty of blood. Again, blood traces are easily identifiable when you apply Luminol and shine a black light on them. Part of the reason criminals get caught all the time is that they don’t realize that there’s a whole world not visible to the naked eye. My wife realizes this because she was schooled in Europe and watches Forensic Files.
Blood aside, there are angle-of-attack and strength issues that could be used to pinpoint her as the killer, which she would be.
Therefore, I have to say I would not expect my wife to attack me with cutlery.
SMOTHERING: Smothering does away with the blood problems, but thanks to Forensic Files my wife knows it’s not always the best solution for killing me. She’s well aware that smothering me with a trash bag could leave my facial impressions and her handprints on the bag – very incriminating and something that could be used against her in a court of law.
This is unfortunate in some ways, because every transaction in New York results in the acquisition of another plastic bag. Many bags wind up wasted, sadly never used for trash or smothering your husband for not cleaning the stove.
There is also the matter of a physical imbalance that would be hard to overcome: I am 6′ 3″ and she is very not. I could put up some resistance.
I don’t imagine she’ll be smothering me anytime soon, no matter how dirty the stove I forgot to clean.
POISONING: Here, I start to get worried. Because of her scholarship under her murder mentor, Forensic Files, she’s well aware that poisoning can be quiet, clean and often undetectable under the right circumstances. She’s also quite aware that some poisons can be purchased over the counter.
Certainly, there are problems associated with her poisoning me. For starters it’s not instant. She’d have to administer the poison over time; perhaps in my mother-in-law’s delicious, unpronounceable Polish wafer cookies. This requires a lot of pre-meditation on her part.
With her Associate’s degree in murder from Forensic Files, she knows that if she were to poison me with Thallium there would not be any obvious signs of a homicide. The only inconvenience to her would be my incessant bitching about cramps, nausea, burning sensation, diarrhea, headache and blurred vision. This could last days, weeks or longer depending on the dosage she was administering to me via cookie.
Eventually I’d be hospitalized and die, putting her on the perfect-crime track as it might look as though I was claimed naturally, and not the victim of foul play. If her dosage was correct it might even evade an autopsy, though not if HBO Doctor Michael Baden was on the scene. He’s real good.
One of the downsides, however, is that I watched the same episode of Forensic Files. I’m confident that if I started collapsing and soiling myself every time I ate her mom’s delicious, unpronounceable Polish wafer cookie, I’d probably catch on.
Nevertheless, this would seem to be her best option the next time I fail to clean the stove in a timely manner. Assuming she wants to kill me.
CONCLUSION
My wife has a vast knowledge of murder and mayhem thanks to the tutelage provided by Forensic Files. She is exceedingly bright, and I believe that she would employ that knowledge perfectly, so as not to make the mistakes others had made.
That said, I would be surprised if she killed me, because just this morning she said I was very nice.
Overall, the best course of action would be to face east when in the kitchen and clean the stove when she tells me to.

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Idol Judges In The Off-Season

CANADA
Simon: I don’t mean to be rude, but: boring. Boring. Really. You look good. You’re probably nice. But greatest country in the world? No, definitely not. Sorry.
Paula: I’ve always liked you, Canada. Don’t listen to Simon. You’re different, you know? You bring something to this world that a lot of other countries don’t have, and I really think that you’ve made some great choices. Except maybe socialized medicine. But overall, you absolutely belong here. Good job.
Randy: Hey dawg. How you doin’, man? Okay? Yeah, listen. I have to agree with Simon, you know? I mean-you know, it just doesn’t do it for me overall. Nothing really stands out, except the red guys on horses. But, you know, you know, that’s how it is to me, man.

HITLER
Simon: I’ll say this again. I don’t think you have it in you to be supreme leader of the whole world. I’m sorry. I just don’t. Your oratory and leadership skills will get you so far, sure, but when we’re talking about the it factor… sorry, no.
Paula: I like you, Adolph. And I think the fact that you’ve gotten this far says something. I disagree with Simon. You have potential. I think you started strong, but you’ve made some mistakes. You need to relinquish control of the command structure, because as you have it now, no one on the front lines is willing to react without calling back to Berlin first. That creates a delay in response that the Allied command structure can exploit. And I think that’s really going to hurt you.
Randy: How you doin’ dawg? Okay? Listen… it didn’t really do it for me, man. You know what I’m sayin’? I think the energy was there, but overall, like, I just wasn’t feeling it. You came off a little too… pumped up, you had some problems. I think invading Russia was a bad choice, man. It gave you two fronts you had to deal with, you know?

WASA FIBER RYE CRACKERS
Simon: Absolutely flavorless. Really. I don’t know what to say. I think you should be happy you’ve gotten this far, because I don’t think you’ll get out of the cupboard again. Sorry. Horrible.
Paula: I like you. I like your rye. I think you have flavor. You definitely have fiber. I think the more people eat you, the more they will love you. Excellent cracker.
Randy: You know… It’s a’ight, I guess. I’m not really about fiber, or rye. That’s not my thing, dawg. But I can see how you’d work with the right folks. You know? It’s probably nothing I’d really like, but I think you certainly have some potential if you add maybe some butter or hummous.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross Watching The Sopranos

DENIAL
“They did not just shoot Adriana.”
ANGER
“They just shot Adriana.”
BARGAINING
“Tony B. should be the one getting whacked. Maybe this is another bizarre dream sequence.”
DEPRESSION
“I thought Christopher loved her. So sad.”
ACCEPTANCE
“I guess it makes sense. She’s got a lead on Joey.”

The Apprentice, M.E.

Dear Frank,
This letter is to elaborate on our discussion of 14 May 2004 in which I informed you that the Medical Examiner’s Office would no longer be needing your services. Based on your reaction – you seemed surprised – I felt I should go into further detail and explain why.
Frank, we hired you initially because you were the winner on Fox Television’s America’s Next Medical Examiner. This was an impressive feat considering the original pool of aspiring medical examiners was 12,000. We followed your progress, as we did that of the other contestants on the show. To be honest, early on in the season I was certain that Ms. Weiss was destined to win, hands down.
As the season progressed, you out-sang everyone in the disco competition and out-danced them the following week. Gradually you worked your way through the competition, rose to every occasion, and conquered every challenge. When America chose you during the two-hour season finale, I felt confident in my decision to hire you immediately. We were more than excited to bring a new star on board and into the Office of the Medical Examiner.
Frank, from the very beginning your superiors and associates were skeptical of your abilities. In your first autopsy, #04-291, you ignored the obvious blunt-force trauma to the head of a 59-year old Caucasian male and instead suggested that the gentleman “probably died from old-man-itis, if you know what I mean.” That alone suggested to all of us that perhaps you did not have the medical training or attitude necessary for this line of work.
Though the proper medical terms were pointed out to you time and time again, you continued to use “cock” and “beaver” to describe the genitalia. When Dr. Tyson fainted during autopsy #04-302, it was not because of the autopsy itself, as you had led me to believe. She has participated in over one hundred. It was because you suggested the decedent had “major hooters.” This unfortunate observation was captured on the audio recording of the autopsy, as was the sound of Dr. Tyson’s head striking the desk on her way to the floor.
As a result of your various errors, omissions and general incompetence, I have had to dedicate three valuable staff members to go over the records of nearly 60 autopsies you were involved with. So far, these men and women have had to expunge various details from your reports. These details include unwarranted wild guesses about the identity of killers in homicide cases (Jimmy Hoffa is dead, by the way), complete speculation about people based on their body shape, and the suggestion on at least two occasions that the decedents “deserved what they got” because they “looked like jerks” – one of whom was a Fulbright scholar with lymphoma.
You mocked one decedent because he had a crucifix tattoo, you claimed another decedent tried to touch your ass, and you began one autopsy with “Man, this guy’s got a horse cock.” Also captured on audio.
Speaking of audio, I’d like to talk to you about certain things that have turned up in the transcription logs. I’m most curious what led up to you shouting “Get back here!” during #04-330. I’m also concerned why “Daddy says sit over there, Maggie” is heard during #04-342. Frankly I’d like to know why #04-349 has the bone saw running for 52 minutes, followed by a half hour of expletives.
Frank, I have been working 22 years as a Medical Examiner and until your arrival have never once come across “Cause of Death: Death” on any certificates. These are legal documents that can not be easily changed. Also, “Dude got the shit kicked out of him” does not adequately convey the medical details one needs to provide in an autopsy report. At least three court cases have been thrown out because of such certificates.
The amount of embarrassment and work you have caused our office is staggering.
In retrospect, I should not have assumed in any way that your ability to win a song and dance competition, rodeo, obstacle course and home redecoration challenge would in any way be proof that you had talents, or indeed training, as a medical examiner. Frankly, I assumed you were all medical students. I’ve only recently discovered that Jeremy Hobbs was a fireman and LaQuinta Rae’s accomplishment was being sodomized on BangBus.com. Had I known the selection criteria were so low, I would never, ever, ever have blindly hired the winner of America’s Next Medical Examiner.
This in no way means I didn’t thoroughly enjoy your performances during the show. Your rendition of “I Love The Nightlife” was gorgeous. I was also amazed at your collectedness during the Alligator Challenge. You won America’s heart, Frank. Unfortunately, you lost #04-299’s.
I am afraid we need to part ways. For my sake, the sake of this office, and so the souls of the dead can be at peace.
Sincerely,
M. Steurner, M.D.
Office of the Medical Examiner

Green Lit: Hollywood’s Upcoming Pilots

A small, and unfortunately quite real, sampling of Hollywood’s television pilots in production and development. And the pitch that one imagines was presented to the studio executives.

The Show: Desperate Housewives
Logline: A dark, humorous look at the lives of four married women living in an Anytown, USA cul-de-sac.
The Imagined Pitch: ‘It’s like ‘Sex and The City’ – but we show that their lives are empty even after they’re married.

Untitled Practice Project
“The Practice” spin-off, where Alan Shore (James Spader) enters the high-priced world of civil law.
‘It’s ‘The Practice’ but Spader’s representing people who found glass in their salad.’

Naked Hotel
Drama about guests and staffers set in a hotel in the Bahamas.
‘It’s like ‘Love Boat’ but it doesn’t go anywhere.’

Surgeons
Drama about the professional and personal lives of residents in surgical training at a San Francisco hospital.
‘E.R.-S.F.’

The Cut
Drama about the personal lives and professional struggles of first-year medical students in Boston.
‘E.R.-S.F., but set in a town with puritanical liquor laws.’

The Catch
An ensemble drama set in a world of bounty hunters.
‘It’s like ‘Renegade’ with Lorenzo Lamas, but Lorenzo Lamas isn’t in it. More people are.’

Untitled Jennifer Hewitt Project
Hewitt stars in this comedy as an up-and-coming sports producer and single mom, who unwillingly becomes an on-camera reporter.
‘Ms. Hewitt has temporarily shelved her musical ambitions and is interested in playing an up-and-coming sports producer and single mom, who unwillingly becomes an on-camera reporter.’

Countdown
Drama about a S.W.A.T. team and how it handles the final 43 minutes of every crisis.
‘It’s ‘real time’ like Kiefer Sutherland’s ’24’ – but we openly admit there are 17 minutes of commercials.’

Untitled John Stamos Project
A romantic comedy in which the entire season takes place over the course of a couple’s first date.
‘It’s ‘real-time’ like Kiefer Sutherland’s ’24’ – less 22.’

Untitled Byer & Hancock Project
A new drama that tracks the season-long pursuit of a serial killer by an FBI agent.
‘It’s like Kiefer Sutherland’s ’24’. But it’s all season. And it’s ‘Manhunter’.’

Cutting It
U.S. version of the hit British sitcom revolving around a husband and wife who own a hair salon.
‘A husband and wife own a hair salon and say and do things that aren’t as witty as when English people say and do them.”

Lost
After a plane crash, a group of people are stuck on an island in the Pacific and forced to create a new society.
‘It’s ‘Gilligan’s Island’, but we can do more than hint that the Professor screwed Ginger.’

Fault Line
A former Federal agent is partnered with a female detective in Los Angeles. She’s a by-the-book investigator while he’s more interested in figuring out why a crime was committed rather than the who and how.
“Do you remember the X-Files? Yeah. Like that but not so many Aliens.”

State of the Unions
Half-hour comedy about Max Union, whose wife wins a recall election and becomes governor of California.
‘You know how ‘Law & Order’ likes stories ‘ripped from the headlines?’ Well, what if the whole series was?’

Mr. & Mr. Nash
A detective series about a gay couple who work as interior decorators and seem to stumble upon a murder each week.
Queer Eye, She Wrote.

Now Hiring At Showtime

Showtime Networks, Inc., a premium cable network and creator of independent programming eerily similar to HBO Networks, is now accepting applications for qualified individuals for the following positions:
DIRECTOR OF PROGRAMMING
Job responsibilities for Director of Programming include:
-Watching HBO.
-Writing down what you see.
-Altering what you’ve written to make it gay-themed or very slightly different.
Background:
Showtime Networks prides itself on a line-up of programming that you may think you’ve seen before if you’ve seen HBO. Some of our recent hits include:
The L-Word (think ‘Sex & The City’ – but with lesbians)
Queer as Folk (think ‘Sex & The City’ – but with gay guys)
The Chris Isaak Show (think ‘Sex & The City’ – but with Chris Isaak)
Dead Like Me (think ‘Six Feet Under’ ‘ but not as good)
Prerequisites:
Applicants must have a technical school degree or higher, and must be forward-thinking individuals who like what they see on HBO, but long to do it differently. Quality is not as important is imitation, which is the sincerest form of flattery.
You should be thick-skinned and willing to accept rejection by the viewing audience.
You should be open to doing at least one show with Margaret Cho. We know. We know. Just give her something to do for a couple of hours.
Applicants must have a familiarity with Showtime Networks. This can be obtained by calling your cable company and asking them to re-connect your Showtime, or by watching HBO and imagining it done for half the cost and under the watchful eye of an unappeasable coterie of spectacular nincompoops.
Requirements:
The new Director of Programming at Showtime will be required to not only come up with new ideas based on HBO’s programming, but also help with existing ideas based on HBO’s programming that are currently being tossed around the boardroom. These shows include:
Curb Your Appetite (think ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm” – but with chef Emeril Lagasse)
What’d Bill Maher Talk About? (think ‘Real Time with Bill Maher’ – but the next day)
Aaaahs! (think ‘Oz’ but the main characters are cute little puppies)
Salary:
Salary is negotiable and is based on what HBO is paying their programming director, minus 60%.
Please direct all resumes to:
Showtime’s Big Director of Programming Hunt
1633 Broadway
New York, NY 10019

Memo Re: “The Reagans”

Selected items from the Moonves Memo regarding the reasons behind CBS cancelling “The Reagans”:
‘Kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out!’ is not a Reagan quote. And he did not deliver it while torching a forest with Secretary of the Interior James Watt.
There is nothing in the historical record to support the plot line that President Reagan had a hand in the death of Elvis.
Your assertion that ‘a friend of a friend’ told you Ronald and Nancy ‘partied with’ Dr. Mengele is not strong enough to support the 26 minute montage.
The scene where he cuts off the head of an elderly man who did not bow low enough was completely stolen from James Clavell’s ‘Shogun.’
The premise that Nancy slept in the White House Belfry while hanging upside down from the rafters is defeated by the fact that there was no White House Belfry.
He was elected in a landslide, not by a ‘Shadow Council of She-Demons.’
Despite extensive re-editing, the scene where the President eagerly devours an entire ward of newborns still seems unbalanced.
After several hours looking over actual Oval Office transcripts, we have found not one instance where the President called Caspar Weinberger ‘honeylove.’
Even if the allegations that he slept with Margaret Thatcher were true, they most certainly did not meet at Studio 54 on ‘White Pride Night.’
Though you call it a ‘sub-sub-plot’, you’re suggesting the JFK assassination triggerman was Nancy.
Every scene ends with the President laughing as the image freezes, changes to black and white, and slowly dissolves into images of Panzer tanks rolling across the fields of Poland.

I Am A Corrupt Catholic Priest


In an ongoing effort to further tarnish the Catholic church, I appeared on ABC’s All My Children as a corrupt priest yesterday.
I said “Mrs.” before being stared into silence by a character named “Greenlee”, who I assume is mean or conniving or something. I had to assume the “Ryan” character was also mean and conniving, as he hired a corrupt Catholic priest.
For the record, in real life everybody on the set is very nice. Just because one plays a corrupt Catholic priest does not make one corrupt, Catholic or a priest.
Amazingly, my brief appearance netted me emails from friends in Atlanta and Michigan.