Count 1: Negligent spelling.
Count 2: Failure to proofread retail product packaging.
Count 3: Mass distribution of grammatical malfeasance.
Report: Officer was in Los Angeles, strolling the aisles of Filmtools, the Mecca for film professionals when the crime attracted his attention like a freaking strobe light – despite being on the lowest shelf. It was just that obvious.
Fine: $245 and the Original CamCaddie steady camera mount.
Defendant: The United States Postal Service
Count 1: Negligent spelling.
Count 2: Reproduction and distribution of grammatical malfeasance on federal property.
Report: Officer was attempting to mail a small package – a process made complicated, frustrating and time-consuming by the United States Postal Service. While standing in a line rivaling the size of Disney World’s Magic Mountain attraction on a Spring Break holiday, officer noticed criminal signage (Exhibit A) and apprehended it digitally. Despite the length of time spent in line, officer was seemingly unable to take a decent photograph, which he blames on the iPhone’s shoddy camera.
Fine: $110 worth of Simpsons stamps. Or a functioning automated teller machine in the lobby that can take the place of ten postal clerks by working efficiently, not stopping for lunch breaks, and communicating in English.
Defendant: Chili’s Restaurants, a wholly owned subsidiary of Brinker International (NYSE: EAT).
Count 1: Negligent apostrophe usage in the construction of a possessive.
Count 2: Mass distribution of grammatical malfeasance.
Count 3: Distribution of grammatical malfeasance across state lines.
Report: Officer Graeber of the SFPD Morphology & Syntax Crimes Unit was off-duty and, unfortunately, at Chili’s. Officer was perusing the drink menu in an effort to find a sugary alcoholic beverage with a name concocted by an advertising agency, with which she intended to dull the pain of being inside a Chili’s. It was during this time that the officer spotted the infraction and recorded the evidence so that she could report it to her superiors when she was back on-duty and not at Chili’s.
Fine: Seizure & destruction of all offending materials. 85 pounds of baby back ribs.
Defendant: Artepasta Restaurant, Greenwich Avenue, New York.
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Count 3: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Count 4: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Report: Officer diverted his routine patrol and was headed towards the part of Greenwich Village known as “Little Britain” when the incident was noticed and recorded on a digital incident recording device. Officer believes the area to be rife with superfluous apostrophes and recommends that the area be patrolled more regularly.
Fine: $440 worth of liquor (well drinks only).
Facebook ad. And while I like it better than the ones telling me that Obama wants me to refinance, I’d be a wee bit hesitant to apply to a college that asks questions like this.
Defendant: Old Black Horse Inn, Oxford, United Kingdom.
Count 1: Multiple incidents of general grammatical malfeasance.
Count 2: Conflicting spellings within a 100 foot radius.
Count 3: Rendering and mounting of grammatically deficient signage.
Report: It should be noted that this photograph only captures a few of the multiple incidents of the transgression that adorn the premises, as captured by Officer Pearce of Her Majesty’s Grammatical Constabulary. It is Officer Pearce’s wish that the court take into account the fact that these crimes take place in Oxford, England – home of one of the world’s most prestigious seats of learning and its oldest English-speaking university. The court should also note that the defendant’s awareness of the crimes being committed is evidenced by the corrective and stylish “stacked M” on the street-level sign.
Fine: £350 and free accommodation.
Defendant: A corrections facility, ironically.
Count 1: Second Degree grammatical malfeasance.
Count 2: Rendering error permanent through engraving.
Count 3: Mounting and displaying of criminal spelling in an official venue.
Report: Officer Evans was in a jail in an undetermined role as law enforcement official, arrestee or friend bearing bail money when she noticed aforementioned signage. Presumably she was not cuffed, enabling her to capture the transgression utilizing the lousy camera on her iPhone.
Fine: Full refund of bail money and dropping of any misdemeanor charges.
Defendant: Ketel One Vodka; Aliso Viejo, CA
Count 1: Negligent spelling, headline.
Count 2: Negligent spelling, geographic location. (Click image to view)
Count 3: Grammatical malfeasance committed during advertising.
Count 4: Failure to properly spell the town in which your business and/or residence is located, which one would assume should be easy to do.
Report: Officer DeWitt of the Computer H Information Superhighway Patrol (CHiSPs) was on a routine visit to Gizmodo, the tech gadget website, when he was exposed to numerous banner advertisements for Ketel One vodka. While being subjected to liquor advertising that for once didn’t suggest imbibing would lead to a sexual experience with a hot blond, the officer noticed the transgression and captured it electronically.
Fine: $320 and a case of wheat-distilled vodka, though potatoes are better.
Defendant: Neon Sign “Specialist” in Pittsburgh, PA
Count 1: Negligent spelling.
Count 2: Grammatical malfeasance committed while advertising.
Count 3: Grammatical Irony in the First Degree.
Report: Officer Hince of the Pittsburgh Grammatical Militia witnessed the advertisement take place on a vehicle he was behind. Officer followed the vehicle, presumably carefully, while attempting to capture the offense on his BlackBerry mobile device. Despite the BlackBerry’s limited photographic capabilities, the crime is quite visible and the photographic evidence deemed admissible in court.
Fine: $477 and a dip in the Wading Pool of Shame.
Defendant: Unidentified male with regretful priorities in possession of a Ford Mustang.
Count 1: Comparative negligence, resulting in the use of what is mainly an adverb.
Count 2: Material support of grammatical malfeasance.
Count 3: Modifying an automobile with a grammatically defective device.
Report: Incident occurred in broad daylight in a residential area of Los Angeles. Officer Smeltzer of the California Hi Poor Speller Patrol (CHiPSP) spotted the incident and captured it via police camera (BlackBerry).
Fine: $188 and a one-year moratorium on expressing opinions on the back of a vehicle.
Defendant: Unidentified Price Chopper employee tasked with honoring Gene’s memory.
Count 1: Failure to maintain subject-verb agreement.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical malfeasance permanent with granite.
Count 3: Grammatical malfeasance in the commission of a memorial marker.
Report: Officer had just exited a Price Chopper supermarket when he noticed the marker at the base of a flagpole in the parking lot. After initially remarking on the type of people who would dispose of cigarette butts in such close proximity to a memorial, officer then noticed the infraction and captured it with his iPhone’s mediocre camera.
It should be noted that the Officer saved over $2.00 on a half-gallon of milk because he purchased it 125 miles outside of Manhattan.
Fine: $278 and a re-unveiling of a proper marker for Gene.
Defendant: Unidentified driver who thinks you drive too fast.
Count 1: Misspelling in the first degree.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical malfeasance permanent via adhesive sticker.
Count 3: Operating an automobile while grammatically impaired.
Report: Officer Detmer of the Missouri Department of Corrections spotted said infraction during a routine patrol of a parking lot. A library parking lot.
Fine: Driver shushed and fined $210.
Defendant: Unnamed demonstrator representing the Religion of Peace.
Count 1: Misspelling in the first degree.
Count 2: Phonetic indecency.
Count 3: Grammatical malfeasance committed during incitement to murder.
Report: Defendant was demonstrating in New York, a vibrant and diverse city which unfortunately includes this guy.
Fine: $622 and steerage on the first steamship back to Karachi.
Defendant: Norman Goodman, County Clerk and Clerk of the Supreme Court, New York.
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun, a misdemeanor.
Count 2: Grammatical negligence with regard to a word essential to one’s profession.
Count 3: Distribution of grammatical malfeasance to the general public at taxpayer expense.
Report: Officer’s wife was “randomly” selected to receive a Juror Qualification Questionnaire, mere weeks after acquiring U.S. Citizenship. Months later, Officer was also “randomly” selected for the same questionnaire. During routine perusal of the correspondence the grammatical malfeasance was discovered and promptly scanned.
Fine: $388 and exemption from being summoned to Jury Duty for four years, because Officer sits around and never gets picked anyway.
Defendant: Unknown maker of novelty signage.
Count 1: Negligent usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun.
Count 2: Rendering negligent grammar permanent via glazing.
Count 3: Felony paradox.
Report: Officer was in a Los Angeles thrift store shopping for props when he witnessed the grammatical malfeasance. Sign was prominently displayed among depressing second-hand trinkets and baubles. Sign was available for purchase, presumably to be hung in the workspace of a professional educator.
Fine: $644 and mandatory registration in the national Grammatical Offenders database.
Defendant: The 10 Minute IQ Quiz
Count 1: Misdemeanor typo.
Count 2: Misdemeanor typo in the commission of an alleged test of intelligence.
Report: Officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, was investigating a Facebook advertisement. Said advertisement brought the officer to a website for what claimed to be a ten minute IQ test – presumably for impatient aspiring geniuses. The transgression occurred after the officer was 70% through the endeavor, at which time officer realized the test was, ironically, stupid. It should be noted that IQ tests do not normally pose multiple choice questions answerable by pre-teens.
Fine: $160 and a two minute suspended sentence.
Defendant: Duane Reade Pharmacy, New York City
Count 1: Misdemeanor grammatical malfeasance; homophone.
Count 2: Rendering error permanent with premeditated, un-proofread signage.
Report: During a routine patrol of Duane Reade, officer found himself standing in a long line attended to by one cashier of questionable ability. During the extended wait, officer was bored to tears and inspired to look up towards the ceiling at which time the incident was spotted and recorded digitally. Twelve minutes later, officer was able to purchase anti-bacterial wipes and new, improved toothpaste.
Fine: $210 and a generic version of Robitussin.
Defendant: NASCAR arcade game developer.
Count 1: Vehicular homophone in the first degree.
Count 2: Distribution to minors.
Report: Officer was in a highly-trafficked area with his dependents, waiting for his partner to finish shopping when the grammatical malfeasance was spotted. Crime was apprehended and booked via combination video camera/mobile phone device. Officer was far more excited about the discovery than his partner was, which is par for the course.
Fine: $201 and a simulated driver education course.
Diner, Palo Alto. Officer Oyo, California Correctional Services.
Subway, New York. Officer Ferris, Metropolitan Typo Authority.
Domino’s, Seattle; Officer Decker, Cyber-Crime Division, Northwest Bureau.