Defendant: Unoccupied Hyundai (driver may have experienced Rapture).
Count 1: Second degree prepositional negligence.
Count 2: Vehicular homonym.
Report: Officer Couch of the Linguistic Vice Unit spotted the vehicle in a Memphis parking lot. The officer gathered evidence in such a manner as to not arouse any suspicion. Evidence was subsequently dispatched by electronic courier where it arrived and a Hee was risen.
Fine: $310 and two points on the license, too.
Defendant: An Unnamed High School.
Count 1: Negligent sentence structure.
Count 2: Commission of grammatical malfeasance within 1,000 yards of an educational institution.
Report: Officer Swafford was dropping her daughter off when the crime was noted, apprehended and booked. It should be noted that the school’s strict “no alcohol ban” and “code of conduct forbidden” policies are also extremely popular. The school enjoys near-perfect attendance.
Fine: $208 and a carton of American Spirit – the cigarette that insinuates that it’s healthy because it’s “additive free” and made by Indians.
Defendant: Luis C., Miami
Count 1: Aggravated homonym.
Count 2: Grammatical malfeasance committed in the act of demanding reduced schooling.
Report: Officer was called to Facebook to investigate an absolutely ludicrous premise for a national holiday when he accidentally stumbled upon the offense. Offence was captured without incident, processed and released on its own recognizance.
Fine: $112 and a three-second lecture about the usefulness of Facebook petitions.
Count 1: Felony sentence construction.
Count 2: Grammatical malfeasance committed by an organization tasked with kiducating children.
Report: Officer Carter of the Rhode Island Auxiliary Grammatical Police Force spotted the infraction and easily apprehended the suspect as it was an immobile bin filled with old clothes and shoes. After the bin failed to satisfactorily connect the human reproductive process to pre-owned, educated clothing it was booked and photographed before being released on its own personal recognizance.
Fine: $450. Must stay 1000 yards away from children until the successful completion of a sex-ed/grammar refresher class.
Some highlights from The Slaughtered Lamb menu. A beer selection the size of Jupiter in a bar with as much atmosphere as Io.
Start them on the wrong path early with a T-shirt for toddlers offered by kimtees.com.
Install and ran this CD phone directory… or just use the internet.
Officer Mangano, Michigan State Correctional Facility
MTV Networks, New York
Texas Tech, via Agent Wertz of the Grammatical Enforcement Agency
Fox 12 News, Oregon
[ Overruled. See comments section. ]
Three grammatical offenders that were released without booking due, sadly, to tremendous overcrowding of my inbox.
Officer Porter, North Carolina Prose Guard
Courtesy New York Police Apartment
Agent Rohan, Grammatical Protection Agency
Threefer Tuesdays will feature three grammatical offenders that were released without booking due, sadly, to tremendous overcrowding of my inbox.
Via Officer Wertz, Houston Grammatical Minutemen.
Via Sergeant Dawidek, GCNY.
Via Officer Cooper, Los Angeles Grammatical Task Force.
Defendant: WCBS-TV 2 HD, New York
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling of a homonym.
Count 2: Grammatical malfeasance committed in the course of a story related to education.
Count 3: Broadcasting indecent spelling on public airwaves.
Report: Officer witnessed the crime during the evening broadcast of the news. Thanks to advancements in modern technology (i.e.: TiVo) the officer was able to pause and photograph the crime mere seconds after it was committed.
Fine: $310 and Homonym Sensitivity Training.
Defendant: Building management
Count 1: Misdemeanor typographical transposition, resulting in what a Frenchman might call a non mot.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical malfeasance permanent via engraving.
Count 3: Affixing grammatical indecency on a building which is adjacent to a public thoroughfare.
Report: Officer was unusually observant for 6:20 am and noticed the infraction as he passed a not old apartment building in the Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan.
Fine: $120 and one month free rent.
Defendant: Belle Fleur, New York City.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling of a not-unfamiliar thoroughfare.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical indecency permanent with painted and/or adhesive letters.
Count 3: Exposing grammatical indecency to the public via automobile.
Report: Officer was patrolling Fifth Avenue when the infraction was spotted and documented. Infraction is eerily similar to a recent incident and may indicate an upsurge in grammatical indecency in the Chelsea area – above and beyond petty apostrophe crimes.
Fine: $138, and three free bokays.
Defendant: Video Plus & Internet To [Google surveillance]
Count 1: Prepositional negligence.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical malfeasance permanent.
Count 3: Exposing grammatical indecency to the public via signage.
Report: Officer Decker was off duty in Washington (the wine-making state, not the crime-ridden seat of government ) when the infraction was spotted. After vigorous eye-rubbing the crime was captured digitally and transmitted to Grammar Cop headquarters via the same internet that Video Plus is apparently connected to. Officer Decker describes the area as “delightful” despite the obvious signs of grammatical decay.
Fine: $248, and one entire store wall must be dedicated to the 30th Anniversary of Schoolhouse Rock.
Twice is nice.
Defendant: 34 Eighth Avenue.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical indecency permanent by engraving it into metal.
Count 3: Mounting grammatical indecency adjacent to a public thoroughfare.
Report: Officer was walking up Eighth Avenue when he witnessed the offense – which beckoned to him like a busty gypsy fortuneteller in a window. Officer drew and shot three times.
Fine: One month’s rent.
Defendant: “Artic” Refrigeration
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical indecency permanent by painting it on a vehicle.
Count 3: Exposing grammatical indecency to the public via vehicle.
Count 4: Committing grammatical indecency within 1000 yards of a school – a felony.
Report: Officer Smith of the Huntsville, Alabama chapter of the Knights of the Thesaurus spotted the infraction in the vicinity of the Stone Middle School. Realizing the threat this posed to America’s children, he risked losing control of his Toyota Corolla squad car to capture the crime via his mobile communications/photographic device.
In addition, the attempt to advertise a seven-digit phone number in this day and age will be reported to the phone company, which has jurisdiction in those matters.
Fine: $625 in cold cash. Defendant must register as a grammatical offender and live within 2,000 feet of an atlas.
Defendants: Tribeca Tavern, New York City; Crate & Barrel, San Francisco
Count 1: Negligent transposition of letters.
Count 2: Professional printing of grammatical malfeasance.
Count 3: Mounting grammatical malfeasance in a public area.
Report: Prior to walking into a pipe on the way to the men’s room at Tribeca Tavern, officer noticed faulty attempt to warn him of low-hanging pipes and captured it with a photographic device. In a moment of amazing synchronicity, Officer West of the San Francisco Special Grammar Unit was exactly 2,900 miles to the west (no relation), capturing said offense at Crate & Barrel.
Fine: Free drinks/Free drinkware. Mandatory attendance of grammatical sensitivity training for all parties.
Defendant: Various students, Parson’s School of Design.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 3: Exposing every single restaurant patron in New York City to grammatical mischief.
Report: Officer was waiting for cheap sushi when the infraction was spotted on the ubiquitous New York City CHOKING VICTIM poster. Since being signed into law by Mayor Ed “How’m I doin’?” Koch in 1978, Local Law 43 has required the distribution of said poster with every restaurant license. The Fish & Lemon design was created by a coterie of Parsons students in 1997 with heavy emphasis on design and less on proofreading.
Fine: $1 per restaurant.
Officer Cross – Royal Grammaliers, Company C, United Kingdom
Officer Wicker – Indiana Grammatical Vice Unit
Officer Challinor – Canadian Ministry of Corrections
Officer Hitchman – See Something Say Something Unit
Officer Strother, Lowlights PD
Defendant: Al Yeganeh, a.k.a. “The Soup Man, a.k.a. “The Soup Nazi”
Count 1: Incorporating an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun.
Count 2: Possession of grammatically improper packaging with intent to distribute.
Count 3: Negligent awnings.
Report: Officer was aware of the deliciousness of Soup Man soups from the 1995 “Soup Nazi” episode of Seinfeld and the most recent edition of Consumer Reports magazine. While on a routine visit to the depressing but convenient D’Agostino supermarket the officer spotted Soup Man soup for sale at an impressively obnoxious $5.99. The officer purchased the soup and returned to his domicile only to discover the grammatical negligence prior to cooking. In the following days, having been alerted to the potential for the suspect’s grammatical indecency, the officer reconnoitered a Soup Man franchise location and discovered the infraction was also printed on all Soup Man store awnings.
Fine: Assorted delicious bisques and chowders – with a free side of bread.