Who Are These People Magazine

This was born from from my own personal anguish. Every time I see the magazines at checkout I feel older and hopelessly out of touch. I never know who they’re talking about, or more importantly, why. It makes me not want to buy overpriced jugs of water at the supermarket anymore.
In New York City any market with more than two aisles is super.

The Apple iPad

Meet iPad, the newest innovation from Apple, designed exclusively for your dad.
With its minimal learning curve, iPad eliminates the potential for trouble and helps your dad answer those recurring questions once and for all. Say goodbye to Where did the browser go? How does this shut off? and Why is it asking me for a password? With iPad, that won’t happen. Ever. Because iPad was engineered with ease of use in mind. That means less frustration for your dad, and less time spent coaching him on force-quitting Internet Explorer.
iPad maximizes productivity. Since there’s no cursor, your dad won’t spend seven minutes searching for it.
iPad comes in two colors: white and yellow, and two styles: regular and college rule. The wide range of third-party pens and pencils means your dad can accessorize iPad exactly to his tastes. No iPad is the same, except for the ones that are!
iPad Features:
Ease of Use
iPad’s operating system eliminates the confusion of folders and disk hierarchies. Retrieving files no longer involves calling you for help. Instead, your dad simply has to check his jacket pocket.
Unlimited Storage Capacity
iPad can be placed in a desk, briefcase or glove compartment.
Word Processing
Your dad will be up and running instantly with iPad’s powerful word processing system. iWrite is completely user-friendly and relies on your dad’s own handwriting recognition capabilities. iWrite is capable of handling any language, any font, any time.
Graphic Design
Every iPad comes with the ability to draw pictures – limited only by your dad’s creativity and skill.
iPad’s scheduling system is easy to use. Your dad simply writes down where he has to be and at what time. Then he looks at his watch to determine what time he should leave to get there.
Whether your dad wants to reach a friend across the street or across the globe, all he has to do is compose his message, place it in an iVelope, drive to the Post Office and send it.
Powerful Internet Connectivity
iPad Requirements:
Flat surface
Lead or ink

Excerpts from Legends of Blandor

The World’s Least Popular Fantasy Novel

The Ancient Village of Blandor is located high in the Mountains of Security. So high, in fact, that even the Great White Dragon D’oul Daifan is unable to threaten it. So high, in fact, that during the March of Darkness, the Orc Hordes ran out of breath during their assault and abandoned the effort altogether. It has never been touched by war or hardship and is a lovely place to raise a family.
“But, is not the Ring of Strength safely held in the Chamber of Hope?” asked Gilby.
“Aye, ’tis,” replied Andoth, King of the Indigo Forest.
“And is the Ring of Strength not securely restrained by the Force-field of Poth, never to be disturbed?” he asked.
“Aye, dear Gilby, ’tis.”
“So the Ring of Strength is completely and utterly safe and will never be in danger of being taken by the Demon Army of Lord Rourmouk?”
Andoth removed his pipe and blew a puff of lemonweed smoke at Gilby. “Indeed,” he said, “It is impossible.”
“Great. Then we’re fine.”
A sea of Dark Elves – a thousand deep, a thousand wide – encircled the relaxed Gentlemen of Hogarth. The Elves’ Battle Hum echoed off the side of Mount Death and drowned out the River of Screams. Their sharpened blades, held aloft, caught the last remnants of sunlight. Mi’rga’nath, Dark Prince of the Elves of Deathgate himself, approached on his night-black demon steed. He pointed his Lance of Piercing at Bandark – who trembled not a bit, stood his ground, and drew his sword.
“We have no quarrel with you,” said Bandark, “but by Minarva we are not afraid to fight you to the last man, and to die doing so!”
“Not a problem,” said the Dark Prince, “I thought you were someone I knew. You have a similar looking horse.”
In a single, fluid motion the Great Wizard M’arshon waved his withered hand. Immediately, the mighty Borgoth died and disappeared, the threat removed.
Then, in the dark, Gilby felt the arrow pierce his skin. In his mind he imagined a thousand scenarios. Orc assassins? No. The dread Archer of Blith? No. Had he been betrayed by his friend Bandark? No. In a moment the truth revealed itself: arrow tips are sharp, and he should not touch them in the dark.
Turdok the Dwarf was furious.
“Fools!” he shouted, “Surely we’ll die should we dare enter the Mines of Mortality, for it is occupied by the dead only, or those who will soon be dead!”
However, the Mines of Mortality were surprisingly empty and well lit. After a brief stroll, Bandark and the relaxed Gentlemen of Hogarth emerged into the daylight – their weapons and armor unscathed from conflict of any sort.
Turdok ate his words, and a delicious Scrumple pie.
Bandark looked grim as ever.
“As long as Whinn the Guardian wields his Sword of Death, he is completely undefeatable. And the Bridge of Wisdom remains impassable,” he said.
“What shall we ever do,” whined Filmar the Halfling, “we haven’t any time!”
“We can not defeat such a creature,” said Gilby.
“Look, he’s sleeping!” exclaimed Bandark – and they were off, having lost no time.
And there, after a brief journey of no longer than a week, they stood in the Lair of Ithganar, the most feared Black Dragon in the Kingdom of Panik. The ground was littered with the armor and bones of the many unfortunate souls who had crossed paths with the centuries old Wyrm while trying to claim her wealth. Everywhere, floor to ceiling, length to breadth, was the incredible treasure this most evil of Dragons had amassed over the centuries. Rubies, sapphires, amethysts and diamonds caught the torchlight. Gold, silver, platinum coins – as common as sand on a beach. Weapons and armor scattered everywhere, glowing with unknown magical powers. And before them, the legendary Ithganar – who two days previous had died of natural causes.

The Baha Men Commission Report


Preface (xvi):
“We learned that the institutions charged with protecting our border, civil aviation, and national security did not understand how grave this threat could be, and did not adjust their policies, plans and practices to deter the dogs from getting out.”
Page 26:
Military Notification And Response
NORAD: We have a report the dogs got out. Can you confirm?
ASPCA: Repeat, please.
NORAD: CENTCOM is telling us the dogs got out. Can you confirm?
ASPCA: Dogs?
ASPCA: Let me check. [8 second silence] Yes, they got out.
NORAD: Who let the dogs out?
Page 81:
“The INS initiated but failed to bring to completion two efforts that would have provided inspectors with information relative to the objective of dogs not getting out – a proposed system to track canine movements, and an incentive system centered around small biscuits.”
Page 101:
“Say, a doggie is nuttin’ if he don’t have a bone. All doggie hold ya bone, all doggie hold it.”
Page 191:
Page 265:
“Deep institutional failings in our government were exploited. The question is whether extra vigilance might have turned up an opportunity to keep the dogs in.”
Page 327:
“Most disturbing to this committee is the fact that since their release in 2000, neither the Baha Men nor the United States government have answers. This committee finds it unacceptable that to this date when asked who let the dogs out all we can answer is: Who?

Idol Judges In The Off-Season

Simon: I don’t mean to be rude, but: boring. Boring. Really. You look good. You’re probably nice. But greatest country in the world? No, definitely not. Sorry.
Paula: I’ve always liked you, Canada. Don’t listen to Simon. You’re different, you know? You bring something to this world that a lot of other countries don’t have, and I really think that you’ve made some great choices. Except maybe socialized medicine. But overall, you absolutely belong here. Good job.
Randy: Hey dawg. How you doin’, man? Okay? Yeah, listen. I have to agree with Simon, you know? I mean-you know, it just doesn’t do it for me overall. Nothing really stands out, except the red guys on horses. But, you know, you know, that’s how it is to me, man.

Simon: I’ll say this again. I don’t think you have it in you to be supreme leader of the whole world. I’m sorry. I just don’t. Your oratory and leadership skills will get you so far, sure, but when we’re talking about the it factor… sorry, no.
Paula: I like you, Adolph. And I think the fact that you’ve gotten this far says something. I disagree with Simon. You have potential. I think you started strong, but you’ve made some mistakes. You need to relinquish control of the command structure, because as you have it now, no one on the front lines is willing to react without calling back to Berlin first. That creates a delay in response that the Allied command structure can exploit. And I think that’s really going to hurt you.
Randy: How you doin’ dawg? Okay? Listen… it didn’t really do it for me, man. You know what I’m sayin’? I think the energy was there, but overall, like, I just wasn’t feeling it. You came off a little too… pumped up, you had some problems. I think invading Russia was a bad choice, man. It gave you two fronts you had to deal with, you know?

Simon: Absolutely flavorless. Really. I don’t know what to say. I think you should be happy you’ve gotten this far, because I don’t think you’ll get out of the cupboard again. Sorry. Horrible.
Paula: I like you. I like your rye. I think you have flavor. You definitely have fiber. I think the more people eat you, the more they will love you. Excellent cracker.
Randy: You know… It’s a’ight, I guess. I’m not really about fiber, or rye. That’s not my thing, dawg. But I can see how you’d work with the right folks. You know? It’s probably nothing I’d really like, but I think you certainly have some potential if you add maybe some butter or hummous.

The M-7 Multi-Function Combat Shovel

The M-7 Multi-Function Combat Shovel is currently the most technologically advanced assault & digging tool available to the modern American soldier. The M-7 combines elements of stealth design and portability as well as ease-of-use and multiple-theatre functionality.
The new M-7 Multi-Function Combat Shovel benefits greatly from years of research and development in both shovel dynamics and hole theory. Tactical breakthroughs, such as stealth excavation and flank-strikes, add to the overall effectiveness of the M-7 and make the M-7 a battlefield necessity for a soldier, along the lines of the M-16 Assault Rifle.
In addition to groundbreaking new technologies, the Combat Shovel functions and abilities you may already be familiar with have been incorporated and/or improved on, as the M-7 still retains the history and tradition of previous assault & digging tools.
The M-7 draws upon many of the design and function specifications of the original Combat Shovel and the subsequent models.
The M-1 Combat Shovel was introduced in 1917 in time to help U.S. forces fight and dig successfully against the Germans during the First World War. The M-1 earned the nickname “The Mackie” after Sergeant Bernard “Mack” McHugh who was able to dig a hole nine feet deep before being killed by a German mortar.
The M-2 model, introduced shortly before the United States joined the Second World War, was a modified version of the M-1. The handle was shortened from 12 feet to 6 so as to accommodate easier hole-digging, concealment and stealth needs.
The M-3 model, which saw battle in World War Two, was an important factor in the battles for the control and digging of Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima and the Leyte Gulf. For stealth, it was modified by painting the metal striking/digging surface a dark color rather than the white gloss of the previous models.
During the Korean War the M-4 made its debut. The oak handle proved far superior to the pine and spruce handles of the previous models. The handle was also doubled in width, to one inch. The M-4 was nicknamed “The Benny” after Captain Ben Blaylock, who used one.
The M-5, introduced in 1960, never saw service in any military capacity, though it was widely considered the most reliable of the models when the shovel/assault head was fixed to the oak handle with metal bolts, rather than hemp.
By the time of the Vietnam conflict, the M-6 was already standard and considered one of the top assault/digging tools of all time. The M-6’s sanded handle meant fewer splinter casualties for those using it. The shovel/assault head was made of steel, rather than a nickel/tin composite, which made the M-6 less prone to bending when used. Over time it became the first assault/digging tool to serve multiple theatres of war. A single M-6 routed the entire Cuban army at Grenada, held off nearly 12,000 Somalis in 1993, and out-dug Saddam Hussein’s Republican Guard during Gulf War I.
The M-7, which features slight improvements over the M-6, will be the standard assault/digging tool for many years to come. With a handle-width of nearly two inches and a reinforced steel assault/digging head, the M-7 is a state-of-the-art weapon and soil mover that will serve troops valiantly in Iraq, Iran, Syria, North Korea, France – wherever military necessity takes us.
Assault/Shovel Head:
Forged Steel (India)
Widest width: 10 inches
Total length: 14 inches
Oak wood (Oakwood)
Width: 2 inches
Length: 5 feet
Whacking, 5-foot 14-inch radius
Digging, 1.2 sq. ft. per minute (ideal)
Leaning, 1 min. per min.
Operation Notes:
Digging performance decreases in extreme cold, underwater, and on mountains.
Stealth element is greatly reduced if you scream while digging or assaulting target.
Long-term storage has no discernable detrimental effect.
Manually Operated
The introduction of the M-7, means that the M-6 model will slowly be phased-out of U.S. military service, though it may find its way into civilian or foreign army usage. The M-7 is destined to become as much of an essential part of every enlisted soldier’s kit as the MRE (Meal, Ready to Eat) and P-38 Tinned-Peach Removal Assistance Apparatus.

The Understandable Slim Shady


Back in the days when dot-com companies could get $60 million in venture capital with an inane idea, this topped the charts and made a few thousand bucks – until pulled it for not being licensed. I eventually obtained the license to use Eminem’s lyrics but sadly it never re-obtained the momentum. Then, and all the other dot-coms, went bust.

Us Weekly’s al-Sadr Coverage

With preggos Gwyneth and Courtney Cox due soon and Heidi Klum knocked up by disinterested 50-something Italian playboy Flavio Briatore, we thought we had a full plate when it came to hot summer news… but boy were we wrong! It looks like there’s a new star on the horizon, and not since the demise of Bennifer has the Us Weekly foreign desk been so abuzz with activity!
Speaking of buzz… the Us Buzz-O-Meter has nearly shorted out thrice due to the constant chorus of readers shouting “Tell us more about Muqtada al-Sadr! Tell us more!”
Well, you know we keep no secrets, so here’s the dish on this Shia shining star!
Usher may be the new Michael Jackson, but when it comes to bad boy antics, hottie Russell Crowe will have to take a back seat to the homicidal-frenzy-inspiring new kid on the block, Muqtada al-Sadr. Even notorious naughty-girl Shannen Doherty would have her hands full with this fiery heartthrob. We’re willing to bet our Uggs she’d be sweltering under a burqua before you could say Sharia.
So, just who is this mob-motivating up-and-coming celeb?
Well, just like Charlie Sheen, Muqtada got a little career push with the help of his well-known dad, Muhammad Sadiq Sadr, a vocal Shia cleric. Mr. Sadr had a Janet Jackson-sized desire for publicity, but that didn’t mesh with Iraq biggie Saddam Hussein, who had him killed faster than Gothika went to DVD. Talk about a celebrity catfight! Muqtada’s dad played with fire and lost, a decision worse than Apprentice Kwame’s idea to invite Omarosa back.
This son-of-a-gun laid low for a while until recluse Hussein split the scene, a la Billy Bob Thorton. But if Travolta can come back, anyone can come back, and now al Sadr’s on the scene with a vengeance not seen since the Tupac-Biggie wars. This is one Fight Club that even superstar Brad Pitt might not want to join!
Fashion police! The black turban al-Sadr wears has a special religious significance, and a lot of folks in his biz are madder than mad, claiming he doesn’t have the authority to wear it. Just imagine if Passion-ate Aussie Mel Gibson declared himself a Bishop and started issuing fatwas! It’s that kooky!
According to our sources in Sadr City (named after al-Sadr’s bigwig, dead dad) the brunt of his fan base is uneducated, armed to the teeth, and always up for a fight… so if you’re thinking P. Diddy’s entourage – so are we!
Still, al-Sadr is no J.Lo – insiders say he has a long way to go before he’s an A-lister, though he might be able to Paris Hilton his way into a party here and there on name alone. To the brunt of the Iraqi population he’s a wanna-be Cruise, but even more reckless than comedian Andy Dick. Not only that, but there’s a “capture-or-kill” policy on him that even Tommy Lee Jones would run away from!