It’s not easy naming a restaurant.
Certainly at one time or another you’ve passed an establishment and thought to yourself, “I could have done better than Lettuce Soup-rise You.”
Maybe you weren’t amused by Great Eggspectations as much as the owner was.
Perhaps you even considered setting fire to Pastabilities.
I understand. There are lots of bad restaurant names. Because it’s just not easy naming a restaurant. For every great name there are hundreds of duds. Like O Salad Mio.
When we named my step-brother’s pub we plucked a full Irish name out of the air. It turned out to be the same name as an Irish politician a Dublin friend described as our Dan Quayle. We got by because no one here knows Irish politicians. But, every so often someone from across the pond would enter and ask, “Why’d you name this place after him?”
Now my step-brother’s steak place needs a name, and it’s no easier. Chops and Bones are taken. Anything to do with beef or wine seems to be taken. Beefplace is stupid. Steak Force is awful.
And, of course, Hitler’s Cross was already registered by a sharp Mumbai restaurateur.
Basically – aside from your blog and MySpace rantings – this is your big chance to prove you’re a creative powerhouse. Your chance to keep a Sir Loins from happening.
Name my step-brother’s steakhouse and he’ll pay you $500. You’ll be half a grand richer. And you can say, “See Steakitorium over there? I came up with that.”
But don’t come up with Steakitorium because that sucks.
Here’s what to consider:
-It’s a steak place. A very nice, not-too-expensive but not-Sizzler steak place.
-Imagine a place with great wine and great food. Now imagine it will go out of business if you name it Steer n’ Stein.
-The name should sound good with “Steakhouse” after it, because it probably will have “Steakhouse” after it.
-The name should not blow. Seriously consider if you yourself would sink money into a place called What’s Your Beef? before suggesting that someone else do so.
-Resist the temptation to send every idea that’s ever crossed your mind. Assume the thesaurus entry for “beef” has already been studied at length. Predictable names have already been presented and discarded.
My favorite steakhouse name is Strip House in Manhattan. They have excellent steak and outrageously over-priced appetizers.
Here’s how this is being done:
-You can email the names or post them as a comment if you’re extra proud of them. Just make sure your email is legit in case you need to be contacted.
-Suggestions that aren’t horrendous, or existing establishments, will be forwarded to the decision-makers.
-The person who emailed/posted the suggestion first gets the credit. If you’re the second person to suggest Steak Zone you’re out of luck. But don’t worry, Steak Zone blows and they’d never go with it. Ditto Steaktopia.
-If they use your suggestion they’ll give you $500. If they kind of use your suggestion, such as taking Steak Land from Bob’s Super Steak House and Land O’ Wines it will be up to their discretion how much of an influence you were.
-Hurry. Liquor license people don’t like to be kept waiting.
UPDATE
A name has been chosen. Your input is welcome.
Brian Sack
I started Banterist in 2003 after this conversation with my cat. It led to all sorts of good things.
Just for laughs, if you wanted to continue with the Irish politician theme, the new place could be called “The T-Bono Steakhouse.”
Seriously, I hope you post some of the submissions!
P.S., there’s never a grammar cop when you need one… I mean, unless there is more than one Hitler in Mumbai.
Maybe you should name it the “I’m Not Diddy Steakhouse”. Then you’ll reel in all the illiterate aspiring singers!
Tongue in cheek idea: The Little Miss Steakhouse (“the little mistake house”)
Actual suggestion: The Grill of Choice Steakhouse (because, you know, “choice” is a synonym for “prime”, eh?)
hmm… how about SteakStruck? or SteakOut?
[ SteakOut exists. I used to do their commercials. -B. ]
Hmm, I guess I’m not that creative after all. Nothing comes to mind that does not even remotely show any promise. I don’t suppose your stepbrother could name it after himself?
Hey… wait… how about “Glenn Beck’s”? Ah, maybe not.
A play on “Banterist” might be fun. Come to think of it, “Banterist’s” could work. Is that with or without an apostrophe? (Great, I started by entering a contest and now I’m busted by the Grammar Cop.)
A request: after this, Brian’s stepbrother, please don’t open an Italian place and call it “Al Dente’s”. That’s been done too… although the one in Jersey does have really good food.
how’s about Steeroteca?
So, I guess “Steak Through Your Evil, Lying Heart” is out…?
Brix – a measure of the sugar content in wine
Bardolino – A light, fruity red wine from northern Italy
Bel Paese – Beautiful Country
Where will this steakhouse be, anyway?
Why not use a catchy acronym (say..’CBD’).
If this fashionable establishment is in the city, your expanation is that it’s related to the location. If it’s not, then say you’re far too busy and important to go into it right now, and that you should think up your own amusing name for it, because I’m not your mother and you need to start thinking for yourself.
Look at you, you’re 24 and you can’t even hold down a decent job…and so on, and so on…
However, if pushed, I would suggest ‘Cows Be Delicious’, may be a fairly plausible explanation for the acronym.
How about simply “The Banterist’s Brother” (forget the “in-law”).
If you focus on the wine it could be the really bad “Banter and Decanter” / “Decanter Banter”.
Yeah, that’s so bad I’m not even laughing at my own joke like I normally would.
Put a replica of the David out front and call the place “Well Marbled Meat”.
It only gets worse…
“The Steak Pit”
“On the Range Steakhouse”
“Cowboy Steakhouse”
“Cheney’s Hunt Steakhouse”
to GreyDuck: Choice and Prime are not the same. The 3% of beef that’s graded Prime is sold primarily to restaurants; supermarkets will carry the more common Choice and Select grades.
How about Omnivore? Or L’Abattoir? Sunset Strip? I’ll stop now.
Sage Steakhouse
Amber Waves (as in Amber Waves of Grain)
[ Well it works for beer, anyway. -B. ]
I think people remember people better than gimmicky names, so how about a symbolic person as the figurehead.
Uncle Sam or Buffalo Bill or Ronald Reagan for patriotismQueen Victoria or Agatha Christie or Mr Pickwick for traditional British WASP valuesI forbear to suggest more amusing ones, such as Osama’s Place because this is meant to be a serious contest and you are meant to make the jokes.
Refurbish the restaurant with airplane seats and those little windows and call it ‘steaks on a plane’.
i’ll get my coat….
[ Hee. -B. ]
“Sir Loin’s Slaughterhouse”
or
“Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Sizzler Six”
or
“Beef and Beer”
or
“Beef and Barf”
Ahhh, they all stink.
firstly, Ian’s idea was good. If it’s Texas beef, add the tagline “Steaks on a plain!”
now to the name:
Slab O’Beef
Simple, goes with the theme of a person(the mythic Irish warrior, Slabernathy Ui Beif in the Gaelic) the name says what it is.
Being intellectually unavailable to come up with anything myself, I like the suggestion for “Banterist’s” or “Banterist’s Brother”.
Good luck!
Could call it the Crashing Boar. I expect that name’s already taken.
How ’bout –
“Old No. 7 Steakhouse”
or
“Private Reserve Steakhouse”
or
“Eating Grin Steakhouse”
or
“Brother’s Steakhouse”
or
…. okay… I know… get back to my job of cleaning dead catfish
[ DING! They liked ‘Reserve’ enough to do a check on it, and it’s unfortunately taken. Sorry about the catfish. -B. ]
I’m ashamed to say it but…
The Hot Beef Injection Steakhouse
Or…
The Alpha Prime Steakhouse
Or…
Tender Loins in Manhatten (or wherever) Steakhouse
Or…
House of Tender Loins
Or…
Beef Me Baby Steakhouse
I will go now and never speak of this post again (except to claim my money!)
Stoker’s.
Sapidus
Saporous!
sapere
sa·por
I like this word and its derivitives. Although, I know that when naming a restaurant it is always better to go with 1 of the first 6 letters of the alphabet, as these will be the most viewed in terms of telephone book listings. Does anyone use phone books anymore? I’m not sure. In that case, I am going to suggest:
The Ambrosian.
Regale Steakhouse
regale – to entertain with choice food or drink. a sumptuous feast
Just be glad I didn’t use my first thought… Stake’s Place
Bully! (with the exclamation point).
You can use Teddy Roosevelt as the iconic logo for the place.
1.Carnivores’ Steakhouse
2. Cow Tao
3. Vinestein’s Steakhouse
“My Brother-in-Law’s Place”
I’ve waited long enough . . .
“Strip House”
(you know you like it)
The place almost markets itself.
I’m already in line.
JBF
[ It’s a great name – of a restaurant about 7 blocks from me. -B. ]
My Brother’s Udder Place
Heifervescence
Not Sizzler
“The T-Bone.” Works with or without the word “steakhouse.”
“Filet Central.” Better in Philadelphia perhaps? Filetdelphia? God damn.
“The Pen”
“The Cattle Drive.” Too graphic?
I dunno. I like the short and simple.
How about “The Bovinery?”
Brother’s Steakhouse and Wine Bar
Brother’s Beef
Brother’s Steak and Wine
Bovine University!!
“The Surprised Bovine steakhouse)” could be used with a cute cartoon mascot. “Madame LeVache’s (Steakhouse)” sounds rather nice. You could even use it as, “Madame LeVache’s Striphouse” adding even more of a brothel reference.
Great Exsteaktations (or Greatest Steaktations)
Primadona
Well-done!
Moo-la-la
Van Helsing’s. Of course.
okay, i have one more:
The Mad Cow
Seeing that Hitler’s Cross is already taken, how about…
The Mad Cow
Steak Acclaim
In my mind… I can see the lines forming at the door….
It’s amazing how many comments you get when money’s involved.
[ It’s amazing how many anythings you get when money’s involved – which is why Trump is married to a pretty woman. -B. ]
Heifers and Hors (D’oeuvres)
LOL @ Heifers ‘n Whores.
How about …
Meat Me or Meet Me Steakhouse
Most of the best steakhouses I’ve gone to just feature the owner’s name (Peter Luger, Smith & Wollenski, Frank Guiffreda’s hilltop etc).
Therefore, I’d say your step-brother should go with his name, you know, so long as he’s not named say- Lumpy-Jaw.
[ The names Smith and Wollensky were pulled out of the White Pages. Not a bad idea, actually. -B. ]
Mmmmmeat (followed by optional exclamation point, thus: !)
Vegetarian Hell
Like Cows To The Slaughter
You Know You’re Basically Eating Muscle, Right ? Don’t Screw Your Face Up Like That
Buffalo 66
Weekend at Berni’s (UK only joke)
In London there are many branches of the Aberdeen Angus steak house. I have never seen one more than half full and they are often completely empty. They serve what is reputedly the worst food in the city, a title they have held for decades, against incredibly fierce competition. Nobody goes there twice, most people never go there once. They are all in insanely high-rent prime (NPI) locations and cannot possibly make a profit, yet they’ve been around forever. They must be a front for something, but what ?
Beefore Sunrise
Bull Session
I Herd That
Rancho Notorious
I like this game.
No Triffids.
OK, I’m giving away the name I’ve been saving for my own restaurant: Hospitality
Porterhouse Sue’s.
T’s Bone House.
Abercrombie & Steak.
Russell Simmon’s FUBeef.
Red State Red Steaks.
White House Steaks. (we serve a lotta bull!)
Steak From the Vine.
The Great Nebraska Chumbucket.
Atkins Is Over But Eat Here Anyway Steakhouse.
and last, but not least…
Lava Gina’s T-Bone Paradise.
You should contact a branding agency.
Sorry.
Location-based names are good for word-of-mouth; if someone says “I had a great meal at the XXXXX Street Steakhouse,” there’s no need to ask “What kind of establishment is that, and where is it located ?”
Brand X
The Strip Joint
My suggestion:
Marinated
Would you consider Beefytown or New York Ci-T-Bone (Amongst Other Cuts of Beef (Alternately: NYCTB (AOCOB))?
Or if there happens to be venison
-Stagnation
-Where the Deer and the Antelope Get Eaten
In the likely event that none of those made the cut, best of luck with the name hunt! (at least there’ll always be Steak Steakpecsteaktions (We Serve Steak!))
Gotta a couple more…
Steak Mastery
Mastery Steakhouse
Steak métier
Art of steak (and wine)
Steak Forte
Everyone would flock to –
Tip’s Steakhouse
or
The Tip House
Nothing better than good steakhouse with great wine!
How about one of these…
Oak Barrel Steakhouse
or
Wine Barrel Steakhouse
I once ate a place in Gettysburg called “General Pickett’s All You can Eat Buffet.”
Now that is a disgusting concept but we had to eat there because it was the only place open. So don’t name it that.
Fo’ Sizzler.
[ Between everything being already taken or not very good, I fear It’s coming down to that. -B. ]
Carter and Fisk’s Steakhouse
or
Fisk Carter
Leg
Tannin
Chris’ Martha
So where is this place? If its in Texas, you could get away with things like “Rotten Grapes + Steaks Grill-O-Rama”
If its in New York or LA, I’d just pick 3 random french words out of the dictionary and then make sure you’re charging at least $75 a plate.
More seriously though, its a steakhouse, so I feel like it needs to be a “comfortable” name, not something off-putting or hokey. Like pick his first or last name + “Grill” or “Broiler” and then subtitle it with “Fine Wines and Steaks”
How much of a focus is the wine aspect? Would something like “The Carafe Grill and Winery” give the wrong impression of the place?
I didn’t read all the comments, so I don’t know if this was suggested, (probably not!) but how about “So Much At Steak” or, “There’s So Much At Steak” ?
I know its a ripoff of The Steakout, but “The Great Steakout”?
How About
“I can’t believe it’s not steak!” ….spread?
You could count on the fact that people didn’t care that is really WAS steak and that they would just like the clever name. Right?
Did laugh for about five minutes at “Steaks on a plane” that was really good…. thank you.
why’d i have to read this during lunch?
Call it Peter Gunn’s. You’ll get the spy set, which makes for interesting business, plus everyone who sort of kind of remembers the name of Peter Luger’s.
I think something simple would be best, though I’ve never tried to open a restaurant myself.
Maybe you could try “Prime Time (Steakhouse)”?
Just a thought. :)
how about:
The Smokewood Urban Grill
A Grilling Experience
A Cut Above the Rest
Ya din’t like Lava Gina’s? Come on, whasdamadda wit ya?
What about CitySteak? That’ll get ya three stars in “New York” mag just for the name.
New York Cattle Co.
Central Park Steaks (at 86th & 5th) You can make the rent, right?!
“Tuatha De Danann”
Whaddaya think?
How about:
PETA Be D@mned?
Your-bro-in-law’s-name-here’s Longhorn Grille. The “e” on the end is key for being able to charge more I think.
Steaks and Vines (subhead: “A Fine Dining Experience”)
Beau Vines (hahaha)
Signature Grille
Vineyard Ranch Steakhouse
Wholly Cow. (A Full Service Steakhouse)
Porter House
I emailed you 21. Depending on what you’re going for, I’d say my favorite is:
The Full Barrel Steakhouse
hmm,
Lomo and Malbec
“Au Jous Steakhouse” where both you and your dinner can get sauced.
The slab and cask
How about…
The Cask and Cleaver
Its all about iliterations (words that start with the same sound like Lois Lane, Lex Luthor etc)
The Grille & Grape
The Hammered Heifer (Hammered means ‘drunk’ in my country)
The Boozed Bison
but I kinda like the Steaks on a Plain suggestion…..
Foghorn Hill
Steaks of Wrath
Begin the Bovine
and a personal new low – Filetio
hmmm…maybe I ought to save that one for when Paris Hilton opens a restaurant
not an official submission but thought I’d mention that I just got back from Copenhagen, where a (popular, good) local chain is named “A Hereford Beefstouw.”
doesn’t quite translate, does it?
Steak’n’Wine
Seems the one name restaurants are big these days, so how about: Sear or Seared
Beefeater’s
Faux name #1: “Ye Olde Steakhaus”
Faux Name #2: “Bovinity” (pronounced to rhyme with “divinity”)
Faux Name #3: “Cow muscle tissue heated rapidly to around 300 degrees”
Seriously, when I think of an urban steakhouse, I tend to picture a 1930s/1940s setting for some reason. Men wearing gabardine double-breasted suits and and women in sheath dresses and bob haircuts. Therefore…
the Gatsby
the Charleston
Eisenhower’s Favorite Steakhouse
the Auburn
the Biloxi
You can talk about how the steak is prepared:
flame (one-word)
simmerin’ steaks (tee-hee)
Location can play a role:
Wessex Street Steaks
Gilbert Avenue Steakhouse
Finally, numbers could be good:
Steakhouse 5 (a logo with the old-school IIII with a slash indicating a count of five)
“Steaks on a Plane” is definitely the funniest . . . “Steaks on a plain” makes a little more sense . . . “Steak from the Plains” makes more sense but isn’t very funny
or
Just Plain Steaks
Steak House
The Steak House
or
throw together some uppity-sounding names like Carter, Mills, Richmond, Ashworth, Bradford, etc.
(i.e. Richmond Mills Steakhouse or Ashworth Carter Steak Company)
or
The Steak (“your meal won’t be burned at The Steak”)
The Red Raw Steakhouse
“It’s all about iliterations…”
Brian, in case you don’t know what that means from your many years of writing experience, I’ll supplement Dave’s helpful definition with my own:
Iliterations – Things that are “iliterate.”
[ If I think about “Steaks on a Plane” it keeps me from crying. -B. ]
Just because these are too good to pass up:
Mo’ Fo’s Tender Loins
FREE PORN (but the steak’s not) Grill
The Grill of Your Dreams
You’re too poor to eat here Steak House.
And yet others:
The Bullseye County Grill & Winery
East Coast Contemporary Grill
“Cows Well Done”
inspiration from Cows With Guns:
http://www.danalyons.com/lyrics/lyrics_for_public/cows_with_guns_lyrics.html
Rare; well done.
The Tao of Cao
Okay, these are bad but I couldn’t resist!
More…
The Stockyard
Greener Pastures
Steak Sanctuary
Entrecôte
Mignon
Taste
Filet Today
Feel free to use any of these.
Grill Marks – A Steakhouse
Kill ‘Em & Grill ‘Em – A Steakhouse
Larry’s Tips and Taters Steakhouse
Chew On This – A Steakhouse
Grab It By The Bone – A Steakhouse
Also, an Osama reference is clearly out but you might try Halaluva Good
Steaks
Abatoir Factory Outlet – Choice cuts at discount prices
Corn Fed – A Steakhouse
Thank God It’s Not Tofu – A Steakhouse
If your inlaw has a wonderfully wacky last name use that. If not, use his first name plus steakhouse.
It occurs to me that you have already discarded such obvious things.
Steaks on a plate may sound funny but I think that fifteen minutes is over.
Sometimes it works to incorporate the location in the name like Steakhouse on Market or the Market street steakhouse. We have a bit of a joke here because one of the communities is called Home. When someone asks you where you are from and your answer is Home it makes clear those who are not from around here.
I just had to comment — a really good steakhouse here in SF in named “Acme Steakhouse”, it’s a hit — then again it’s attached to the ballpark. so there.
How about
“The Third Degree”
When you question someone, you give them the third degree, which is also called “grilling” someone. It also hints of temperature, which some people will associate with food and restaurants.
Now for just random ideas that might not have crossed your mind.
Regale
1. To entertain lavishly or agreeably; delight.
2. To entertain with choice food or drink.
Bon Vivant
1. A person who lives luxuriously and enjoys good food and drink.
Which is a synonymous with “Connoisseur of food or wine.”
Maybe some parody of porterhouse. For example Port ‘r House. It has Port, which isn’t wine but it’s still alcoholic, and House which is not quite a home…
That’s all I have for now. I’ll come back later if I come up with more… unless you don’t want me to.
I guess last of the Moooohicans is out of the question, right?
Moooo2.0 will definitely be vintage within 100 years. So I guess this means money for the kids too.
Moooohones is nothing more than some kind of a twisted paradox.
“In the moooot” (okay, that’s really sick, although I wouldn’t know why)
Moochew anyone?
Whatever, as long as it is Tasty Ass Hell you’re brother-in-law’s restaurant will do fine.
O.k. heres my bid for a steak by mail instead of the $$$
~ (The) Angus Strip
~ (The) Great Angus
However I still think “Mel’s charbroil” from the old SNL is superior to all. Being able to stun your own bovine is quite simply the best way to get the choicest cuts.
What about “The Porter House”?
Ie- a play an the major unfinished cut of beef, the one that has all the best bits still attached– the strip, filet and fat. and it kinda sounds catch when you say The Porter House Steakhouse. Also porter is kind of an old style world that makes it sound like a place with some history.
The Interruptin–MOOOO!!!–Cow
Calf n Carafe (soo bad)
Meat Shack
Char Bar
Bifsteka Enoteca
Char House
Charly’s
Above the Udder
Funny you posted this… we just posted about a place in NYC’s Midtown called HURRY & TASTY CURRY.
http://www.midtownlunch.com
your step bros name
Steak & Wine
Use a lot of Tartan plaid and call it “Lach, Stock, and Barrel.”
Has anyone suggested “The Bovineyard” yet? That’s so shitty it may just work!
Jimmy’s Steaks.
is “Another Steak Out” bad? Actually, I’d name my steak house after an obscure kind of cow and call it a day, like Heresford’s or something.
The Best Little Steakhouse (not) in Texas
just came up with another one —
Udderly Delicious
please don’t throw anything
Prime Cuts is the obvious name, which extends to Prime Cuts Streakhouse
Marrow
Marrow & Tannin
Obviously, this place should be caled “Something’s Not Kosher”.
The Unicorn Steakhouse.
Bear with me:
1. Unicorns have been heraldric symbols for a long time.
2. Athough, sometimes thought of as cute, originally, they were considered wild and powerful creatures.
3. Has appeal to both genders and many ages.
4. It’s unusual, catchy, and easy to remember.
5. Decor and signs can be unique and interesting.
Named That Restaurant
The results of the Name That Restaurant contest.
God – lightning hit the facility powerlines during my treatment and I was out for the entire contest. But still …
Choking Mouthful of Beef
Taste the Yum
Meat This!
You Lookin’ at Meat?
Color Me Marbley
My Second Ex-Wife’s Place
“Shut Up and Back Off Because I’m Naming This” Steakhouse
Maddy McBovine’s Slabateria
Chuck-a-Rama Buffet (oh crap, actual Utah buffet name)
Stool Full O’ Steakhouse
Hilary Duff Blew Our Sous Chef
Girls Gone Steak! (with different locale themes)
Not Horse Almost Ever Steakhouse
To Be Determined
Ride Our Meat Before You Eat It Rodeo and Steakhouse
Metro Neuf
Come n’ Get it !
Interesting article.
I would have added “Sweepsteaks” and “Steakholders” to the list of suggestions.