Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo.
Regrettably the news I bring is not as enjoyable as a celebrity ringtone or barnyard orgy. In fact, if this news upsets you, you may want to try the discreet online pharmacy for prescription-free Xanax.
Unfortunately I have to report that Mr. Mbobo was killed in a terrible car accident. Although he usually spent most of his time making $15,000 in 30 days from the home he purchased with his pre-approved mortgage, he was in the free car he won as a result of participating in a nationwide ice cream survey. Sadly, Mr. Mbobo, his wife, and his two hot webcam girls were killed in the accident – a circumstance which can not be reversed like baldness can with an herbal cure. Mr. Mbobo’s amazing replica Rolex was destroyed in the accident, and to make matters worse he had not taken advantage of a free auto insurance quote.
Mr. Mbobo had recently won the international lottery, which excited him more than discount Ephedra. He had planned to use the additional money to purchase shares of Koko Petroleum (KKPT.PK), a hot, undiscovered gem of a stock I would encourage you to purchase immediately. His funds, including monies received from his advance payday loan and $250 Old Navy Gift Card, were located in an account valued at $45 Million (US Dollars). These funds are currently in an account in Liberia. You needn’t have earned your degree online to realize that Liberia is suffering from civil strife and as a result bulk ink cartridges are as hard to come by as Cialis soft tabs. The government can not be trusted with finances or complimentary platinum cards, just as surely as your PayPal account has been compromised.
For that reason, I am looking to spirit the funds out of the country. To do this I will require the assistance of a reliable party in your country – which is why I am contacting you and not an 18-year old hardcore hottie. In return for your assistance, I will offer 10% of the proceeds ($4.5 Million) and a chance to accept credit cards and enlarge your penis.
To properly execute this transaction I will require your complete cooperation and a Texas hold ’em poker face. You are known as someone who is trustworthy, with plenty of hot singles in your area looking for love. We believe you can help us get out of debt forever.
I await your contact at criminy.c@gmail.com but if you are unable to assist me, I ask that you erase all traces of this confidential, urgent message with the #1 spyware remover on the market.
I look forward to working with you more than a $99 Disney vacation.
Your good friend,
Ethics T. Foreclosure
Jackboot curry basic wigwam stiff adventure Kevin Bacon melon ladle birthday party cheesecake jellybean boom
Brian Sack
I started Banterist in 2003 after this conversation with my cat. It led to all sorts of good things.
ROFLMAO!! ohhhh this is good!
I received that exact email four times yesterday. Are you spamming me?
Banterist Presents…
…The World’s Most Comprehensive Junk Email!…
Oh my. That had me laughing out loud because, I, too, get EVERY single one of those spams about a jillion times a day in my email. I thought I was the only one who knew the late Mr. Mbobo.
p.s. I linked to your blog because you crack me up. :)
It doesn’t mention free iPods anywhere.
So, y’know, it’s not all comprehensive.
;)
Great post.
I just spent 20 minutes forwarding that content back and forth to myself with different subject lines to see what the google adsense server would pick out.
It returned NO ads. I think the email was so chock full of viable choices that it broke the adsense server ;)
Oh, man, are people EVER gonna be pirating that little gem from you. But they’ll probably say George Carlin wrote it.
Good stuff.
crap, this is funny…or maybe this is funny crap!
You sir are a comedic genius. If I were to steal your brain and keep it in a jar under my bed I believe I could outwit Mad Magazine or definitely Cracked. All seriousness aside that is truly one amazing piece of inspired writing. I would immediately call the local deacon as you have clearly been possessed by the soul of Dave Chapelle, may he rest in peace.
(Haha, you like how I managed to use several comedic clichés but updated them for young hip people? You should try that I didn’t find any clichés in your writing)
So, am I the only one that could “N3ver pa.y taxes again!!! xvndia394m”?
Maybe I should start reading those.
Why don’t you have your own sitcom? Why is life so cruel?
I actually called the number and recorded my conversation with one of these people, and let me just tell you — the people who end up coughing up cash to these people after having an incoherent convo with them on the phone…are, well stupid. These people are worse than tech help workers in India.
Oh man, thats hillarious.
I laughed, I cried, I spam-blocked Ethics T. Foreclosure.
Im still crying.. its so dang funny…
Thank you… really, its just what I needed.
That is truly hilarious.
Out of curiosity i sent a copy to my spam filtered email address…
6.5 points required for a message to be tagged as spam, this baby scored a whopping 77.4
[ I’ve created a post that can’t be effectively emailed and requires you to go to the website… a blogger’s dream come true. -B. ]
Dear Ethics T Foreclosure, I tried to contact you at your gmail account, but it was returned to me (insufficient email address). Please rush a reply to my gmail account as I would dearly love to help you with your money problems.
Sincerely,
John Q. Public
“You write it, we believe it”