Grammar Cop

Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical mischief permanent.
Count 3: Public display of grammatical negligence.

Counts 1&2: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun.
Count 3: Unwarranted hyphenation.
Count 4: Rendering grammatical mischief permanent.
Count 5: Public display of grammatical negligence.
Note: The squiggle over the “N” is not under U.S. jurisdiction.

Count 1: Negligent spelling of “Daiquiri.”
Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a non-existent plural noun.
Count 3: Failure to correctly spell the cornerstone of your business.
Count 4: Rendering grammatical mischief permanent.
Count 5: Public display of grammatical negligence.
Note: The squiggle over the “N” is not under U.S. jurisdiction.

Count 1: Negligent spelling of “Racing.”
Count 2: Failure to spell 50% of the business name correctly.
Count 3: Rendering grammatical mischief permanent.
Count 4: Public display of grammatical negligence.

Count 1: Unwarranted apostrophe usage.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical mischief permanent.
Count 3: Public display of grammatical negligence.
Count 4: Failure to notice correct spelling over the three baskets in the back.

Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical mischief permanent.
Count 3: Public display of grammatical negligence.
Defendant: Multiple defendants, oddly all located within dart-throwing distance from each other in Coney Island – which is not an island.
Report: Officer and partners were surrounded by grammatical mischief, drunks, and questionable midriffs. Crimes were recorded. Rather than investigate further, officer chose to eat hot dogs and play Shoot The Freak as it was hot and life is short.
Fine: Lifetime supply of daiquiris, Nathan’s hot dogs and stuffed animals.

Defendant: Swiss Gold, Inc.
Count 1: Misdemeanor misspelling of “diamond.”
Count 2: Misdemeanor misspelling of “diamond” when you are in a business that centers around diamonds.
Count 3: Omission of “gold” so as to create “carat” and “karat” confusion.
Count 4: Rendering all errors permanent by affixing them to granite on the side of a large retail structure.
Count 5: Displaying spelling errors in a high-traffic public venue.
Count 6: Coming to work every day, for God knows how long, and not noticing this.
Report: Officer was on patrol in the Avoidable District of Manhattan for no other reason than he wanted a change of venue. The crime was visible from a distance because of its height, Trump-like gold color, and the fact that it was on the side of a building. The crime is especially heinous because the correct spelling of diamond is hanging on a sign in the window.
Fine: Diamonds. Lots of them.

Please note: Grammar Cop has no jurisdiction abroad. While “diomand” is troubling, it would be gauche to fine non-English speaking foreigners for grammatical mischief in our tongue – especially when their tongue is all squiggly lines.
More pressing in this instance is what goes on in Hong Kong’s Fat Ho Elderly Center, and what the pre-requisites for membership are.
Thanks to William for the submission.

Defendant: Unknown driver with window decals from SUNY Purchase and Smith College.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Aggravating factor: Spider monkey could spell word correctly.
Report: While on routine patrol, officer was drawn to above infraction like a hot blonde to $14.95 pheromones purchased in the back pages of Maxim.
Fine: Whatever fine the traffic cop decided on as they don’t pay attention to such signage, properly spelled or not.

Defendant: Lettuce USA
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in a plural noun. Twice.
Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in a verb.
Count 3: Rendering grammatical errors permanent in the form of a large sidewalk sign.
Count 4: Displaying double-sided, grammatically defective signage in a public venue.
Report: Officer was on patrol in the scenic Mid-Scumtown area when he was assaulted by the large sign’s three apostrophes. After regaining consciousness he collected his belongings and documented the crime. Only after returning to headquarters did he realize that in addition to apostrophe abuse, the defendant actually called their restaurant Lettuce USA – a name as appallingly non-creative as Mr. Squash or Dumpling Place.
Fine: $120 and mandatory attendance of apostrophe sensitivity classes.

Defendant: Westside Market.
Count 1: Misspelling of an adopted foreign word so as to render an expensive cake humorous, yet inedible.
Count: 2: Printing and displaying of a misspelled word so as to place dessert-seeking consumers in harm’s way.
Report: Officer was, literally and figuratively, in the market for dessert. After spotting the signage in question, the officer performed a shelf-to-shelf search for hyper-caffeinated rodents before determining a crime had been committed. Officer ultimately settled for peanut butter cookies – an action that was related to pricing, not grammatical, concerns.
Fine: $26.99

Defendant: A Florida-based dog trainer.
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in a plural noun.
Count 2: Prostitution.
Report: Officer Beuerlein of the Georgia Grammar Task Force engaged in high-speed pursuit of perpetrator’s vehicle while attempting to capture offense. Officer was forced to violate numerous Georgia traffic laws such as speeding, tailgating and taking pictures whilst speeding and tailgating, but did manage to record the crime in progress at approximately 90mph.
Fine: A warning was issued because the crime was victimless and mitigated by unintentional double entendre.

Defendant: NYPD – 9th Precinct
Count 1: Accidental suggestion of doubt or irony by using quotes for emphasis.
Count 2: Failure to use a closing quote.
Count 3: Failure to employ a question mark in the establishment of an interrogative sentence.
Count 4: Improper comma use.
Count 5: Placing parentheses in harm’s way by locating them outside of a sentence.
Count 6: Photocopying grammatical errors with intent to distribute.
Count 7: Demanding bar and nightclub owners display grammatical errors in a prominent place without having the legal authority to do so.
Report: Officer David S. of the Greenwich Village Grammatical Crimes Unit witnessed two uniformed NYPD officers demanding a nightclub bouncer display flyer (Exhibit A) in a prominent area. Officer S. came into possession of flyer and an investigation was launched – by which I mean he scanned and emailed the thing.
Fine: $312 in non-taxpayer funds and a restraining order on littering the city with awkward flyers advertising common sense.

Complaint: Usage of the wrong word of foreign origin, a misdemeanor made hilarious for anyone with knowledge of elementary French; employing an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun.
Defendant: Las Palmas Mexican restaurant, Honolulu, Hawaii. In close proximity to government buildings.
Report: Officer Smith of the Alabama Grammar Militia was investigating an employment opportunity in the Hawaii public school system when the offense was noticed. As he was out of his jurisdiction, and because he’s not a rules-breaking maverick like “Dirty” Harry Callahan or Martin Riggs, he simply recorded the evidence and fled.
Fine: $173 and complimentary catering of a small Quatrieme de Mayo party.

Complaint: Placement of a noun in quotes, so as to suggest irony or doubt; suggesting that the Asian-themed food you are eating is ironic or doubtful.
Defendant: Kwong Village, an establishment located on Detroit’s west side, along Michigan Avenue.
Report: Officer Ward of the California Grammar Authority was inexplicably on Detroit’s west side, along Michigan Avenue. After Officer Ward noticed the transgression she reported it to the International Grammar Task Force and, presumably, the ASPCA.
Fine: $89 and an “unimportant” visit from the health inspector.

Complaint: Misdemeanor spelling of a tuber; making offense permanent by affixing to signage; mounting signage in a high-traffic public venue.
Defendant: City Deli at Tampa Airport (TPA).
Report: Officer David S. was returning from the Tampa-ish region of Florida when the transgression was noticed. Despite post-9/11 airport security and the top-notch, well-trained TSA agents in the airport, officer was able to capture the crime via blatant use of a digital camera.
Fine: $93.49 and a Cuban sandwich.

GRAMMAR COP
Complaint: Failure to use an apostrophe in the construction of plural possessive, a misdemeanor; Usage of an apostrophe in a plural noun, a misdemeanor; Rendering errors permanent by affixing them to a sign; Placing sign on a sidewalk so as to expose innocent passers-by to grammatical dysfunction.
Defendant: International Martial Arts Center.
Report: Incident occurred during a routine patrol between headquarters and a place that was not headquarters. Officer covertly took the incriminating photograph so as not to incur the wrath of martial artists who always want to practice that stuff on people.
Fine: $173 and two points deducted from the positive self-image of the guilty party.

Complaint: Failure to incorporate an apostrophe during the contraction of “that is”, a misdemeanor; improper usage of the possessive “your” during the contraction of “you are”, also a misdemeanor; failing to notice this; permanently affixing said errors to both sides of an article of clothing; exposing public to said errors by wearing said clothing in front of photographers while repeatedly seeking attention.
Defendant: Paris Hilton, shameless heiress and porn actress.
Report: Sighting submitted by Sandee, an alert member of the National Grammar Task Force.
Fine: Some of grandpa’s money and banishment from the public eye for a period no less than forever.

Complaint: Neglecting a letter during word construction, resulting in the creation of a word that does not exist, a misdemeanor; not noticing this; making offense permanent by painting it on the back of a vehicle; still not noticing this; distributing offense throughout the Georgia highway system.
Defendant: A tow-truck licensed by the Georgia Department of Transportation to pick up cars from over-protective automobile owners who can’t bear traditional two-wheel towing methods.
Report: Incident occurred while Officer Beuerlein of the Georgia Grammar Task Force was on routine patrol in Georgia, or perhaps just driving somewhere. Officer Beuerlein captured incident with his dashboard camera, or perhaps a camera that was in his glove compartment. Not sure.
Fine: $275 and referral to the Department of Chronological Impossibility to investigate the 25 hour claim.

Complaint: Rendering maxim “The customer is always right” ridiculous by adding an “s” to the end, a misdemeanor; creation of a nonsensical sentence; not noticing this; making offense permanent by painting it on the back of a truck; exposing numerous individuals to said offense by driving across Florida, God’s waiting room.
Defendant: Team Homestead’s multiple-font-using, maxim-mangling graphic design department.
Report: Officer was eastbound on Florida’s “Alligator Alley” at 80mph when the offense was witnessed and passed. Officer opted to slow to a crawl so as to allow offending cube truck to get in front of vehicle, allowing officer to photograph and document the crime.
Fine: $415 and mandatory surrender of all fonts except Helvetica and Futura Extra Bold Condensed.

Complaint: Inappropriate apostrophe placement; a misdemeanor.
Defendant: A Yankees fan.
Report: Suspect was seen waving a homemade placard at game seven.
Fine: The pennant.

Complaint: Abuse of the homophone “flair” – a misdemeanor, but not a hate crime; making error permanent by printing it on 80# card stock; placing error behind acrylic shielding so as to prevent correction; placing error in a high visibility location. Additional charges: Blather in the Second Degree in the form of a nonsensical paragraph; failure to capitalize “Asianesque” as required by law.
Defendant: Crate & Barrel, SoHo.
Report: Officer was off-duty and actively engaged in the acquisition of salt and pepper dispensing equipment when the infraction was spotted. Officer approached suspect. Suspect offered no resistance because suspect is an inanimate object sitting on a shelf. Officer does not know what a Kuro teapot is.
Fine: $230 and a leather queen sleeper sofa to accommodate guests.

Complaint: Incorporation of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun – a misdemeanor; making grammatical error permanent and mounting on a surface so as to expose said error to Alaskans and visitors to Alaska – also a misdemeanor.
Defendant: Vendor specializing in the development and consumption of Alaska-style Indian tacos, a never-before-heard-of foodstuff that defies further understanding at this juncture.
Report: Officer C. Pfeifer was on patrol in Homer, Alaska. Officer claims to have been enticed by the notion of having a “taco” but was unsure if there were more than one available for consumption.
Fine: A paper of no less than eight pages explaining what an Alaska-style Indian taco might be.

Complaint: Misdemeanor misspelling of “Philly” – an accepted nickname for Philadelphia, known as the city of brotherly love and corrupt mayoral figures; misdemeanor spelling of “Rotisserie” – a word believed to be of French origin used to describe things cooked on sticks in convenience stores; making offense permanent by mounting on signage; hanging signage from an extended awning so as to expose innocent passers-by to grammatical indecency; affixing Christmas lights to extended awning so as to draw further attention to grammatical indecency; failure to remove Christmas lights more than 30 days after Christmas.
Defendant: Soprano’s Pizza, 6th Avenue.
Report: Officer was off-duty and trying to remember the lyrics to Chicago’s “You’re My Inspiration” when infraction was discovered. Officer approached carefully as venue in question shares the same name as a fictional organized crime family.
Fine: Two slices.

Complaint: Misdemeanor misspelling of “coffee”; having error rendered permanent by creating signage out of it; affixing faulty signage to side of mobile caffeine/donut distribution vehicle. Warning issued for questionable use of mathematical symbols.
Defendant: Man selling coffee and donut for one dollar, 27th & 7th. Good price.
Report: Officer was southbound on 7th Avenue when infraction was spotted. Incident occurred near the Fashion Institute of Technology, which may explain why people who draw skirts don’t spell so good.
Fine: It is the nature of law enforcement officials to accept coffee and donuts in lieu of fines whenever possible.