From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.


Grammar Cop: Lettuce Take A Moment

Defendant: Lettuce USA
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in a plural noun. Twice.
Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in a verb.
Count 3: Rendering grammatical errors permanent in the form of a large sidewalk sign.
Count 4: Displaying double-sided, grammatically defective signage in a public venue.
Report: Officer was on patrol in the scenic Mid-Scumtown area when he was assaulted by the large sign’s three apostrophes. After regaining consciousness he collected his belongings and documented the crime. Only after returning to headquarters did he realize that in addition to apostrophe abuse, the defendant actually called their restaurant Lettuce USA – a name as appallingly non-creative as Mr. Squash or Dumpling Place.
Fine: $120 and mandatory attendance of apostrophe sensitivity classes.


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Every year, millions of dollars in assets remain unclaimed because the rightful owner could not be located - usually because they moved to a new address or died while doing drugs at the Viper Room. …