Defendant: Lettuce USA
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in a plural noun. Twice.
Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in a verb.
Count 3: Rendering grammatical errors permanent in the form of a large sidewalk sign.
Count 4: Displaying double-sided, grammatically defective signage in a public venue.
Report: Officer was on patrol in the scenic Mid-Scumtown area when he was assaulted by the large sign’s three apostrophes. After regaining consciousness he collected his belongings and documented the crime. Only after returning to headquarters did he realize that in addition to apostrophe abuse, the defendant actually called their restaurant Lettuce USA – a name as appallingly non-creative as Mr. Squash or Dumpling Place.
Fine: $120 and mandatory attendance of apostrophe sensitivity classes.