Grammar Cop

Defendant: Accent Fine Custom Homes
Count 1: Failure to employ correct word in the utilization of a common phrase.
Count 2: Rendering grammatical infraction permanent.
Count 3: Displaying grammatical infraction in a residential area.
Report: Officer Pool of the Texas Bureau of Spelling noted the infraction while on routine patrol in a Fort Worth neighborhood. Officer believes the failure of the lot to sell may be directly related to the perception among prospective buyers that construction options are terribly limited.
Fine: $180 in drywall.

Defendant: An unknown Macy’s window dresser.
Count 1: Improper word usage.
Count 2: Negligence with regard to name-checking Jeffrey Sebelia.
Count 3: Failure to proofread in earnest prior to affixing words to glass.
Report: Inspired by Dateline’s To Catch A Predator, Officer Anderson scours the internet looking for grammatical perversion and indecent proofreading. While on a routine patrol he discovered this infraction captured by Flickr member jennibong – a photographer who is presumably either of Asian descent or loves weed. Whether Ms. Jennibong realized she was apprehending bad proofreading is hard to say, as she seems to have a penchant for taking pictures of windows.
Fine: $150 Macy’s gift card to be left in the back of a drawer and forgotten, as is expected of all gift cards.

Defendant: An enterprise in Utah that either leaves barrels lying around to be impounded or labels barrels that were already lying around.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Obstruction of clarity.
Report: Officer Wibatt of the Salt Lake City Spelling Patrol witnessed the infraction on a rusty barrel. Whether the rusty barrel is to be impounded or is simply a rusty “Impound Barrel” is unclear, though most likely could be clarified by calling the seven-digit phone number provided. Count 1 will be dropped if a man named “Removel” answers; certainly a possibility when kids you meet at the park are named “Symphonee” and “Atticus.”
Fine: $75.00 and relocation of the rusty barrel to an undesirable neighborhood.

Defendant: Natural Furniture Liquidators, Brooklyn, NY.
Count 1: Failure to correctly spell the name of the street on which your business is located.
Count 2: Failure to spell an address correctly within 100 yards of a street sign.
Count 3: Rendering a spelling error permanent by affixing it to a sign and/or awning.
Count 4: Exposure of spelling deficiency on a public thoroughfare.
Count 5: Repeated failure to notice.
Report: Officer Wolchek of the Brooklyn Grammatical Minutemen witnessed the infraction near the corner of Pacific Street and Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn. The crime took place in an area currently being considered for taxpayer-funded private development/property seizure – presumably under the pretense of clearing up grammatical blight.
Fine: $238. Fine to be waived if defendant suffers eminent domain abuse at the hands of Brooklyn officials.

There was a time when a citizen could walk the streets of New York or cruise a Los Angeles freeway without incident. The times have changed. From coast to coast, in bustling urban centers and subdued farm towns, the evidence has been captured by Grammatical Enforcement officers of all types. The statistics – overwhelming. The visual proof – incontrovertible. The verdict – in:
Schools no longer teach what the apostrophe is for. They’re not even hinting.


Count 1: Negligent contraction.
Count 2: Rendering crime permanent through silk-screening.
Apprehended by: Officer Franchi, Los Angeles Grammar Task Force.


Count 1: Construction of a false plural noun.
Count 2: Operating a motor vehicle with a false plural noun.
Count 3: Indecent exposure of a false plural noun on public roadways and thoroughfares.
Apprehended by: Officer Law, Los Angeles Gang & Proofreading Unit.


Count 1: Construction of a false plural noun.
Count 2: Construction of a false plural noun.
Count 3: Utilizing a false plural noun in the name of a business or commercial enterprise.
Count 4: Utilizing false plural noun(s) on signage.
Apprehended by: Officer Blevins, Manhattan Grammatical Affairs Bureau.


Count 1: Construction of a false plural noun.
Count 2: Failure to utilize an apostrophe in the construction of a possessive.
Count 3: Rendering infraction(s) in tin, thus making infraction(s) permanent and exposing them to people wanting a biscuit.
Apprehended by: Officer Franchi, Los Angeles Grammar Task Force.


Count 1: Negligent use of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Apprehended by: Officer Carson, Grammatical Park Rangers.


Count 1: Usage of a quote in the construction of a contraction.
Count 2: Improper placement of faulty quote.
Count 3: Painting said infraction on the side of a giant rock.
Apprehended by: Reverend Aster, Utah Latter Day Grammatical Saints.

Defendant: Rodeo Flooring. Mustang, Oklahoma.
Count 1: Negligent spelling, a misdemeanor.
Count 2: Rendering error permanent via vinyl heat-transfer process.
Count 3: Displaying grammatical malfeasance near a high-traffic venue.
Report: Officer Burga of the Central Oklahoma Grammar Task Force spotted the infraction while patrolling State Highway 152 – a long, flat road connecting Union City to Oklahoma City. Officer notes a duplicate sign faced the other direction, thus exposing both east-bound and west-bound traffic to the crime.
Fine: $98 and 600 square feet of granite flooring to really spice up your next rodeo.

Defendant: Allstate Towing, NYC
Count 1: Failure to properly contract “you are” in the creation of a smug window decal.
Count 2: Rendering error adhesive so as to make it semi-permanent.
Count 3: Exposing general public to power trip-based smugness and grammatical indecency while relocating their vehicles.
Report: Officer spotted the vehicle and placed a call to nearby fellow officer, whose window and zoom lens offered the best opportunity for documenting the crime. Lack of a polarizing lens prevents you from seeing the man in the driver’s seat. Just as well, as he was visibly over-Whoppered.
Fine: $130 and a Get Out Of Pound free card.

Defendant: KGO AM 710, San Francisco
Count 1: Negligent hyphenation.
Report: Officer Frank of the Bay Area Grammatical Vice Squad initially spotted the infraction on a billboard alongside US 101 but was unable to capture the evidence and maintain 65/mph. Fortunately the defendant also advertises on buses, one of which later appeared next to Officer Frank’s camera-equipped patrol vehicle.
Fine: $130, and KGO personality Bret Burkhart will make public the name of his hairstylist so that he/she can be avoided.

Poll closed.

Defendant: Heavy.com, proud and apparently loaded Drudge Report sponsor.
Count 1: [Dropped, due to clashing style manuals.]
Count 2: Misdemeanor spelling: “tirade.”
Count 3: Exposing a large audience to grammatical mischief via high-traffic, over-glorified link site run by the man responsible for an unreadable, punctuation-free gibberish-fest.
Report: Though appearing in only one frame of an animated advertisement, the errors were egregious enough so as to draw the attention of grammar enforcement officials. An investigation was held, the page reloaded dozens of times, and upon the reappearance of the offender a command was executed so as to digitally capture the frame in question flagrante delicto.
Fine: A free Drudge Report banner advertisement. If even for 10 minutes.

Defendant: University of Minnesota Conference and Event Services
Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun, a misdemeanor.
Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun, a misdemeanor.
Count 3: Usage of an apostrophe in the construction of a plural noun, a misdemeanor.
Count 4: Committing grammatical mischief within 1000 feet of a school.
Count 5: Committing grammatical mischief on letterhead from an educational institution.
Report: This memorandum came to Grammar Cop HQ by an individual connected with the famed “Minnesota Railroad” – a secret organization of individuals who smuggle grammatically-challenged documents out of Minnesota. Minnesota is a U.S. state which is south of Canada. Because the individual continues to work undercover during the War On Apostrophes, he or she has chosen to remain nameless until his or her identity is leaked to the press by Robert Novak.
Fine: $350 and mandatory attendance of apostrophe sensitivity classes.

Defendant: The iTunes Music Store
Count 1: Negligent apostrophe usage, a misdemeanor.
Count 2: Failure to proofread a song title which has appeared in no fewer than five albums in the span of twenty years.
Count 3: Displaying error in a high-traffic commercial venue.
Description: Officer was perusing video offerings for a new iPod (and inexplicably in the Poison section) when the crime was discovered. Although the error was originally attributed to ditzy longhaired freaks, circa 1986, further investigation determined that the ditzy longhaired freaks had correctly used the possessive form and the error was in fact made by Apple in Cupertino, California.
Fine: $399, plus tax.

Defendant: Organic Dry Cleaning, Seventh Ave.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Display of said error in a high-traffic public venue.
Description: Officer Oyo of the Chelsea Grammatical Vice Squad witnessed the infraction, noting an increase in such incidents in the area. Despite the potential advantages of environmentally conscious dry-cleaning, contribution to the area’s grammatical decay must be addressed lest it hinder the area’s slow gentrification. Defendant is also advised to reconsider “[we] use organic fluid to clean your clothes” as a selling point, as most potential customers spend their time on the sidewalk avoiding organic fluids.
Fine: $85 neatly pressed, hung on tiny hangers, and individually encased in totally non-environmentally-friendly plastic.

Defendant: Silver Age Inc., Los Angeles.
Count 1: Prefix neglect, resulting in nonsensical construction.
Count 2: Affixing said error with permanence to a vehicle.
Count 3: Creating a grammatical distraction by exposing said error to drivers in the vicinity.
Report: Officer Regina of the LAGD was one of four Los Angeles drivers not talking on their mobile phones when the incident occurred. With her hands free, she was able to capture the crime in progress – aided by the fact that the vehicle was slow-moving as there are old people in it, and old people yell when you go too fast.
Fine: $230, and three free trips down Sepulveda.

Defendant: Cabot’s Florist, Long Island.
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Reckless disregard for the nomenclature of one’s own profession; a misdemeanor.
Count 3: Displaying said error on a double-sided sign in a high-traffic venue.
Count 4: Presumably going to and from work and not noticing this.
Report: While engaged in a search for the local Salvation Army chapter, Officer “Mighty Rerun” of the Long Island Grammar Constabulary spotted the transgression in the Patchogue/Medford area of Route 112. No chase was necessary – as signs do not move – and the incident was captured on digital media.
Fine: $175, delivered the next day if you order before 10am.

Defendant: Newark Airport (EWR)
Count 1: Improper apostrophe resulting in the possessive.
Count 2: Misspelling of a trademarked brand name which could have been easily avoided by referencing any street corner, Barnes & Noble or airport in the country.
Count 3: Rendering error permanent in the form of signage.
Count 4: Displaying error in a public venue.
Report: Officer was at Newark International Airport (EWR) preparing for routine annoyance by TSA agents practicing the “security” game when he became aware of the incident. After it was established that the sign did not reference the band Starbuck, whose 1976 song Moonlight Feels Right topped the charts, the incident was captured on digital media. Digital media is impervious to X-rays, as are the shoes everyone is pointlessly asked to remove.
Fine: $218 in Duty Free.

Defendant: The Associated Press
Count 1: Misspelling a word by adding an extra ‘o’ to it, thus making it a different word; misdemeanor.
Count 2: Distribution of said error to the media.
Report: Officer became aware of the incident by way of Yahoo’s Lead Photo feature, which has exclusively featured hurricane-related photos for two days now because a hurricane is apparently coming.
Fine: $112 and a gift certificate to Jimmy Buffett’s tropical/alcoholic theme restaurant Margaritaville.

Defendant: Knocked-Up Nelly
Count 1: Misspelling a brand name, a misdemeanor.
Count 2: Distributing a spelling error via junk email.
Report: Officer was made aware of “Knocked-Up Nelly” via unsolicited commercial email (a.k.a. “spam”). The normal inclination to immediately assign the item to junk mail was interrupted by the horrific concept of pornography coupled with late-term pregnancy. Officer was then further appalled to discover the misspelled counterfeit clothing brand, which incidentally hails from Paris and not Milano as the skirt implies.
Fine: $218, and a perpetual restraining order against sending photos of pregnant women in three-ways.

Defendant: Apple
Count 1: Homophone neglect, a misdemeanor.
Count 2: Incorporation of a grammatical defect into an operating system.
Report: While engaged in a routine failure to correctly sync contacts, Officer spotted the offense and quickly apprehended it with the desktop photo thing. Contacts ultimately did not sync correctly but rather duplicated themselves threefold, which is still far better than disappearing altogether.
Fine: $143, or a G4 laptop that does not overheat the crotch.

Defendant: Pick-A-Bagel
Count 1: Misdemeanor spelling.
Count 2: Indecent capitalization.
Report: Officer Mohney of the Upper East Side Grammatical Vice Squad was presumably looking for a bagel to pick when the transgression was spotted and recorded. Crime mitigated by the comedic potential of countless puns.
Fine: Let it BLT with roasted Sgt. Peppers.