A downloadable PDF for your office breakroom, college dormitory or constabulary.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Breakroom | 0 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Breakroom Mischief | Germans | Hitler | Language | Marketing

My wife and I had been talking for a long time about a start-up business. We'd been looking for something challenging and rewarding. As you can imagine, when this well-targeted Google ad popped up it was a eureka moment for both of us:

Labor camps! Of course! Why didn't we think of that? So much better than ostrich farms or retailing on eBay.

I know from having read Anne Applebaum's Gulag that labor camps can be immensely profitable - the Soviet Union relied on them. And part of China's great economic success stems from the low-cost labor often associated with mass involuntary servitude.

As the ads contend, China is the world's supplier of all your labor camp needs. North Korea too, I suppose, but they're not really big on the Internet just yet.

We immediately sketched out our plan for a small, manageable labor camp. Nothing too fancy as we could always expand later. We secured a small parcel of land in upstate New York (a bargain because it was clay soil next to a mosquito-infested swamp). Taxes are minimal.

As the ad promised, we got a better deal on a bulk labor camp. It arrived in 3,221 separate shipments. Granted, most of our spring was exhausting as we spent it installing fence posts, latrines and razor wire. But - I'm happy to say we're now in business and looking forward to the adventure that is entrepreneurship.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Marketing | 2 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: China | Forced Labor | Marketing

Defendant: CamCaddie

Count 1: Negligent spelling.

Count 2: Failure to proofread retail product packaging.

Count 3: Mass distribution of grammatical malfeasance.

Report: Officer was in Los Angeles, strolling the aisles of Filmtools, the Mecca for film professionals when the crime attracted his attention like a freaking strobe light - despite being on the lowest shelf. It was just that obvious.

Fine: $245 and the Original CamCaddie steady camera mount.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Grammar Cop | 0 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Grammar | Los Angeles | Movies

Price Chopper's Fruit Whirls is their store-brand answer to Fruit Loops. They look and taste the same, sure, and they cost much less. But the educational value of the back panel is questionable.

"Languages from around the world" indeed, if by "world" you mean, well, Europe and her colonies.

Where's the Bantu?

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Travel | 4 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Cereal | Education | Travel

I served along side Richard Blumenthal in Vietnam, and like him I still have vivid memories of those days where I served my country so valiantly. I'll never forget the one afternoon we found ourselves surrounded by what we assume was Viet Cong. We were in the cafeteria at Harvard, preparing for what we in the military call "grub": sirloin steak, mashed potatoes, truffled string beans, some lobster bisque, salad, Key Lime pie and Jello. I was famished - the last time we'd eaten was in the morning, and it was already nearly half-past noon. For two or three hours we'd been stapling papers and organizing folders. I even had to read several chapters of a book. We were numb. Exhausted. And our nerves were on edge because Richard was certain the VC would attack at any moment. As you know, they were guerillas and blended in with the populace. Presumably they were all over the campus in Cambridge. That's the thing with the VC, you always had to be on guard.

I was only a few bites in to my meal, I mean "grub," when Richard sat bolt upright and dropped his silverware. He had an uncanny sense for trouble. "Incoming!" he yelled. We dove under the table. He was certain the VC would be shelling us at any moment. We prepared ourselves for the concussive effects of the mortar rounds and wrapped our cloth napkins around our heads to protect us from fragments. We stayed under the table for what seems like an eternity, but was actually several minutes. Lucky for us, the attack never materialized. Finally, Richard gave the all-clear. We resumed eating our grub, which by now was a little cold. But that's the kind of sacrifice you make when you are in enemy territory and serving your country as we noble warriors did.

We resumed our lunching. Richard's eyes scanned the horizon, evaluating any threats that might be materializing. To me it looked like a bunch of Harvard students milling about. But he saw danger. "The VC could be anywhere," he said, "Looming in the distance, waiting to strike. Or 14,000 klicks away." I chewed my delicious, mouthwatering, albeit lukewarm sirloin tensely and barely enjoyed it. Richard inspired me with his fearlessness and ate his meal in a leisurely fashion. When it was over, we left the cafeteria, which Richard called "Vietnam" and took a refreshing nap. I will never forget those times. Semper Fi.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: In The News | 0 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Marines | New York Times | Newsmakers | Pants on Fire