Memo to My Campaign Staff

Adored Campaign Staff,

With my presidential offensive in full swing, we need to be two steps ahead of the “gotcha” media in every way. Preparedness is key. It’s imperative that we wargame how we’ll handle them in any situation.

For example, let’s imagine photos emerge where I’m standing in the middle of a Harvard frat party wearing nothing but a blue UN helmet and pointing to whipped cream on my penis.

That’s a terrible scenario. Terrible. The only way we’re going to recover from it is to have a solid game plan worked out ahead of time. We don’t want to be caught off-guard if I’m on Meet the Press and Chuck Todd holds up a picture of me buck naked in a UN helmet, pointing to a major dollop of whipped cream on my penis.

That’s something we’d need to be prepared for. As a team.

Relax! I’m not saying such photos exist. I’m just saying it is in the realm of possibility that they do: I went to Harvard, I was in a frat, and we had parties. We also had a UN helmet that my frat brother Chase stole while interning for a charity in Borneo. I liked to wear it during blowouts.

So, yes, I can say I definitely was at frat parties wearing a UN helmet.

But was I ever naked? That’s the big question. And of course the answer is a resounding almost never. Nine times out of ten I was fully clothed when running around in the UN helmet, providing “urgent Jagermeister relief” to the alcohol-deprived citizens of Sigma Chi.

“Wait, almost never?” I can hear you asking yourself. Yes, there was one time when the Jagermeister got a hold of me more than I would have liked. Not having any presidential aspirations at the time, I thought it would be hilarious to wear nothing but a UN helmet. Wouldn’t you know it — despite all the booze

, I managed to have a powerful, lasting erection that Tina Mensford put half a can of whipped cream on.

I know what you’re thinking. “Are you talking about the same Tina Mensford who just became campaign director for rival candidate Jason Hawbers in this close race?” Yes. It is the very same Tina Mensford. I wish it wasn’t

, but I’m glad to see she’s done so well for herself. Go Tina!

Again, I’m not saying there are photos out there that show me buck naked with copious amounts of whipped cream on my very erect, abnormally large penis. I’m just saying there could be and that my bitter rival’s campaign director might remember her part in putting it there back in ‘83.

A battle plan. That’s what I want just in case photos like that ever surfaced.

Will they surface? I strongly doubt it. Was Tina a photojournalism major who carried a professional SLR camera with her at all times? Yes. That doesn’t mean she took any photos that night. Even if she did

, maybe she lost the negatives to a house fire, or bandits. We just don’t know.

Plus it was mostly dark, except for the flashes.

Now, I don’t know if they were camera flashes. Our frat house had a disco ball. Disco balls flash a lot. That’s their job. There’s no reason to think that Tina took a high-quality, semi-professional, horrendously compromising photo of a future presidential candidate. It could very well have been the disco ball flashing!

Memories are hazy about that night. It was long ago and I’d consumed more than 12 Jager shots in under an hour. That is the only reason you’d ever find me standing in the center of the room, naked but for a UN helmet, demanding everyone salute my Reddi-Wip-covered genitalia. The only reason.

Anyway, I’m just spitballing. I don’t want to waste our time with hypothetical damage-control scenarios. But I do want it to be something we think about — tuck into the back of our brains — and maybe discuss at length after we assemble a crisis management team by breakfast tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!