Autonomous

Hillary 4.0 Release Notes

Hillary 2.0

(Release date September 2013)

  • Eliminated “assumption of nomination” feature from 1.0 release.
  • Reconfigured and/or removed several key decision-making algorithms from 1.0 release.
  • Worked to streamline nomination function by incorporating strategic elements from Obama 1.0.
  • Modified several stances to take advantage of changes to current political operating system.
  • Added several features to help improve access to millennials, gays and minorities.

Hillary 3.0

(Release date June 2015)

  • Added populism feature.
  • Retooled dialog as per focus groups.
  • Addressed vulnerabilities to Bernie Sanders virus.
  • Removed a flaw that prevented reporters from asking any questions.
  • Worked to reduce bugs that cause honesty and trustworthiness to fail to appear when summoned.

Hillary 4.0

(Release date September 2015)

  • Attempted to address favorability optics by adding new emotional and humoristic algorithms.
  • Added acknowledgement of email scandal in response to user requests.
  • Included more tear-jerking references to late mother.
  • Removed self-respect firewall to allow for dancing the nae nae with Ellen DeGeneres.

To The Staff of Naked Ladies Magazine

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that this will be the last issue of Naked Ladies magazine.

When my father founded Naked Ladies in 1969, he was a trailblazer. There were magazines, of course, but none that featured naked ladies. He saw an opportunity and he went for it. Naked Ladies was born, and finally, discerning gentlemen could see naked ladies on paper and not just in person.

He was a pioneer. And he put naked ladies and Naked Ladies on the map.

Over the years, Naked Ladies proved its journalistic merits. We interviewed presidents and senators, not to mention a Who’s-Who of Hollywood elite, extraordinary trendsetters, brilliant visionaries, esteemed scholars. Donald Trump.

The best writers in the world longed to have their name appear in Naked Ladies. A byline in Naked Ladies told editors and readers the world over, “this writer was good enough for Naked Ladies.” It was a foot in the door to writing for the best publications in the world. Even ones with just articles.

And then, of course, there were the naked ladies of Naked Ladies.

We had so many naked ladies! That’s exactly what you would expect from a magazine so-named. But we took it to another level! The ladies were nakeder. Ladier. We set the bar. If a lady was going to be a naked lady, she wanted to be a naked lady in Naked Lady magazine.

We were the pinnacle of naked ladyness. If a lady didn’t qualify for our glossy pages, she would have to settle for being naked in low-brow publications like Sexy Ladies, Pretty Babes or Humpstorm.

We had a long run. We brought joy to pubescent teens and barber shop waiting rooms. We offered the educated gentleman incisive, informative articles and, importantly, naked ladies.

But times have changed.

The Internet has gotten people accustomed to everything being free. Especially naked ladies. I can’t tell you how hard it is to convince Joe Sixpack to spend several dollars of his hard-earned money on a paper copy of Naked Ladies when he can see naked ladies for free on the web. Even on his smart phone! Are they the high class naked ladies that Naked Ladies offered? No, not at all. They’re just naked ladies!

And these ladies? They’re not just standing there, naked. Not at all. They’re moving and talking and doing all sorts of things the naked ladies of Naked Ladies would never dream of doing! Unclassy things! Things I didn’t know were possible for naked ladies to do. I thought ATM was a machine you get money from. I know nothing.

The truth is that in the age of the Internet a publication like Naked Ladies is no longer a gatekeeper. Any lady can be naked for a broad audience. They simply don’t need us.

And clearly, people want to see a lot more than ladies just being naked these days. For a publication called Naked Ladies, the writing is on the wall.

We had a great run. We will remain in the history books. But, the world has changed. The demand for Naked Ladies is only a fraction of what it once was. We have to adapt to survive. It’s time to “modern up” as Sarah in accounting said.

Do not be alarmed! This does not mean you’re out of a job! We’re adapting, not shuttering. We’re finding a new voice and a new audience. One that isn’t looking for naked ladies.

I sincerely hope all of you will stay on board and help with the launch of our new venture, Typewriter World.

In Retrospect, Our Town Seal Might Be Slightly Racist

whitesboro-seal

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

Just FYI, some guy I pulled over for speeding said the town seal on our squad car was racist. Just looked at it and it looks like a white guy choking an Indian.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

Holy crap! I never looked at it before. What the hell is it?

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

That’s what I mean. I kind of agree with the guy. It definitely looks like a white guy choking an Indian.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

Is he a black guy?

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

No, he’s an Indian.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

I mean the guy you pulled over.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

No. Why?

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

…White cop from Whitesboro… in car festooned with white guy choking Indian… pulls over a black guy… looks bad all around.

Just asked Margaret to look up the town seal thingy.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

OK. I’d like to give this guy an answer before I send him off. BTW, got another $140 for the town’s coffers! Lowering the speed limit to 15mph was genius.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

Thx! Margaret says it depicts a friendly wrestling match in the 1700s.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

There were Indians in Whitesboro?

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

I guess? Maybe before Hugh White settled it.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

The more you learn! OK, I’ll tell the guy it’s just wrestling funsies.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

Margaret says they would wrestle the Indian then take his shirt. That’s why he doesn’t have a shirt.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

OK. Weird.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

Then they’d take his pants. And moccasins.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

Shit, Norman. That’s not wrestling. That’s just taking his stuff!

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

You’re right. He’s totally strangling the dude! How did no one notice this? SMDH

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

I’m just going to tell the guy it’s a friendly wrestling match. Pretty sure he won’t argue because I stopped him 20+ minutes ago.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

Tell him the white guy was gay.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

Why?

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

For diversity? Never mind. Let me know what he says.

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

I think he bought the friendly wrestling thing, but he wants to know why our traffic citations are adorned with swastikas.

Fm: Mayor Timmins
To: Sheriff Hawthorne

WTF, seriously?

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne
To: Mayor Timmins

OMG! Never noticed.
:-(

Memo to My Campaign Staff

Adored Campaign Staff,

With my presidential offensive in full swing, we need to be two steps ahead of the “gotcha” media in every way. Preparedness is key. It’s imperative that we wargame how we’ll handle them in any situation.

For example, let’s imagine photos emerge where I’m standing in the middle of a Harvard frat party wearing nothing but a blue UN helmet and pointing to whipped cream on my penis.

That’s a terrible scenario. Terrible. The only way we’re going to recover from it is to have a solid game plan worked out ahead of time. We don’t want to be caught off-guard if I’m on Meet the Press and Chuck Todd holds up a picture of me buck naked in a UN helmet, pointing to a major dollop of whipped cream on my penis.

That’s something we’d need to be prepared for. As a team.

Relax! I’m not saying such photos exist. I’m just saying it is in the realm of possibility that they do: I went to Harvard, I was in a frat, and we had parties. We also had a UN helmet that my frat brother Chase stole while interning for a charity in Borneo. I liked to wear it during blowouts.

So, yes, I can say I definitely was at frat parties wearing a UN helmet.

But was I ever naked? That’s the big question. And of course the answer is a resounding almost never. Nine times out of ten I was fully clothed when running around in the UN helmet, providing “urgent Jagermeister relief” to the alcohol-deprived citizens of Sigma Chi.

“Wait, almost never?” I can hear you asking yourself. Yes, there was one time when the Jagermeister got a hold of me more than I would have liked. Not having any presidential aspirations at the time, I thought it would be hilarious to wear nothing but a UN helmet. Wouldn’t you know it — despite all the booze, I managed to have a powerful, lasting erection that Tina Mensford put half a can of whipped cream on.

I know what you’re thinking. “Are you talking about the same Tina Mensford who just became campaign director for rival candidate Jason Hawbers in this close race?” Yes. It is the very same Tina Mensford. I wish it wasn’t, but I’m glad to see she’s done so well for herself. Go Tina!

Again, I’m not saying there are photos out there that show me buck naked with copious amounts of whipped cream on my very erect, abnormally large penis. I’m just saying there could be and that my bitter rival’s campaign director might remember her part in putting it there back in ‘83.

A battle plan. That’s what I want just in case photos like that ever surfaced.

Will they surface? I strongly doubt it. Was Tina a photojournalism major who carried a professional SLR camera with her at all times? Yes. That doesn’t mean she took any photos that night. Even if she did, maybe she lost the negatives to a house fire, or bandits. We just don’t know.

Plus it was mostly dark, except for the flashes.

Now, I don’t know if they were camera flashes. Our frat house had a disco ball. Disco balls flash a lot. That’s their job. There’s no reason to think that Tina took a high-quality, semi-professional, horrendously compromising photo of a future presidential candidate. It could very well have been the disco ball flashing!

Memories are hazy about that night. It was long ago and I’d consumed more than 12 Jager shots in under an hour. That is the only reason you’d ever find me standing in the center of the room, naked but for a UN helmet, demanding everyone salute my Reddi-Wip-covered genitalia. The only reason.

Anyway, I’m just spitballing. I don’t want to waste our time with hypothetical damage-control scenarios. But I do want it to be something we think about — tuck into the back of our brains — and maybe discuss at length after we assemble a crisis management team by breakfast tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!