I’ve seen a lot of résumés in my life and I can tell you they have one thing in common: All the people sending them want jobs. Nevertheless, some of those people are contenders and some of them are not. A well-trained eye can spot the difference in seconds – and has to because of the sheer number to be sorted through! Here’s my advice to anyone seeking to increase the odds of their résumé avoiding the “circular file” (slang for muscle atrophy).
1 – USING SWASTIKAS INSTEAD OF BULLET POINTS
Yes, we know, the swastika was originally a Sanskrit/Buddhist/Hindu symbol long before it was co-opted by the Nazis to represent unprecedented evil. And that’s the problem. While you and I are both totally aware of the positive origin of the swastika, there’s a possibility your potential employer does not – and will assume you’re a Nazi sympathizer determined to rid her company of Jews.
2 – STAPLING A PIG’S EAR TO YOUR RÉSUMÉ IN CASE THE LONELY HR LADY HAS A DOG
We all know dogs find dried pig ears delicious to gnaw on, but that doesn’t mean the lonely human resources lady has one. Even if she does, stapling a dried pig ear to your résumé means that a large portion of it might be blocked by a dried pig ear. Not to mention, there’s always the chance that the person you sent your résumé to had a dog named Boswell who choked to death on a dried pig ear (or even worse, your résumé). You do not want to remind the person of their loss. It’s better to play it safe and just sprinkle the résumé with catnip in case the lonely HR lady has cats.
3 – INVOICE FOR THE RÉSUMÉ
Everyone knows writing, embellishing, printing and mailing résumés and cover letters is time-consuming and costly. Yes, you do deserve to be compensated handsomely for your efforts, but at the very beginning of the application process it’s a no-no. Instead, keep detailed records of the time and materials expended so that when you are finally employed you can deduct the equivalent amount in stolen office supplies.
4 – FILLING LONG GAPS BETWEEN EMPLOYMENT WITH CRUDE PICTURES OF OBAMA.
Politics can be divisive. Don’t believe me? Then ask my reTHUGlican uncle. It’s better not to stray in those waters. Instead, explain gaps between employment as periods where you suffered from severe depression or were imprisoned for “zoo crimes.”
5 – LISTING YOUR EDUCATION AS “mmmmm Asian girlz am I rite???”
A potential employer wants to know what your educational background is, not about your ethnic fetishes. In fact, you might be surprised to learn that’s the whole point of the “Education” section in the first place! Instead, list any colleges you attended, the degrees you were awarded, GPA (only if high!) and any distinctions. Your Asian girl references can go under the “Float My Boat & Whatnot” section.
6 – FIGHTING A HOBO BEFORE MAILING YOUR RÉSUMÉ
If you’re going to fight a hobo, make sure you do it AFTER you mail your resume. Fighting a hobo before you mail your résumé almost guarantees that it will wind up wrinkled and spattered in blood – things most potential employers do not want to see.
7 – ADDRESSING THE COVER LETTER “To Sir or Madam or Transperson With Or Without The Ladybits”
When you address a cover letter to a generic you’re saying that you can’t be bothered to do research, which guarantees that the only people willing to hire you will be newspapers. Take the effort to find out exactly who the cover letter should be directed to and you will stick out like a beautiful woman’s penis.
8 – CLAIMING CYNDI LAUPER’S DISCOGRPAHY IS YOUR RÉSUMÉ
If I had a dollar for every time someone handed me Cyndi Lauper’s discography and claimed that it was his résumé I’d have $87.50 (one person lost half his résumé in a hobo fight).
9 – INCLUDING SPOILERS IN YOUR RÉSUMÉ
I will never forget the time I was reading an applicant’s résumé and under “Objectives” they’d written “Kevin Spacey is Kayser Söze.” I was livid. I had a date that very night to go see The Ususal Suspects, so my evening was ruined. Nevertheless, that guy got the job because it was for a firm that ruins surprise parties.
10 – HAND DELIVERING YOUR RÉSUMÉ TO YOUR PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER AS HE STEPS OUT OF THE SHOWER
Industrious? Check. Motivated? Check. But that doesn’t change the fact that your prospective employer will be wet and naked and screaming at you to get out get out who the hell are you get the hell out of my house I’m calling the police who the hell are you get out Margaret call the police.