Usually it’s the Gestapo rapping their knuckles on your door, but this week Us was the one doing the knocking – and on the big, metal door belonging to none other than Adolf Hitler!
The Fuhrer invited us to join him on his special retreat as he takes a well-deserved break from his duties as leader of the Reich to spend some quality time with gorgeous and lively fiancée Eva Braun, best friend Blondi, and the usual entourage accorded the chief of a police state.
“Honestly, I’m a little shy,” says the laid-back Austrian, “There’s nothing I like better than sitting in my little room with very thick walls, receiving reports on how great the war is going.”
Though suffering heavy losses in the two-front war he started, a confident Hitler tells Us the time is ripe for victory and that he’s right where he wants to be: in a bunker waiting for the imaginary Panzers under Gruppenfürer Steiner to rout the Soviets and win the war.
Hitler tells Us about the grand city that Berlin will become – a metropolitan masterpiece designed by heartthrob Albert Speer. “Wait ’til you see the Volkshalle!” he tells Us, “It will be incredible! INCREDIBLE! INCREDIBLE!”
His optimism is contagious. “There will be no Jews,” says Joseph Goebbels, his Propaganda Minister.
Where does he get the boundless energy it takes to conquer the world? Friends say it’s his genuine love for the Fatherland, though a source close to Nazi doc Theodore Morell tells Us it might be a regimen of amphetamines and cocaine eyedrops. When an Us reporter mentions that rumor, Hitler laughs heartily before she is escorted upstairs to the leader’s beautifully landscaped schootingraunds.
When Us asks about his steamy underground romance, Hitler stays mum, but sources close to Us say something’s in the air and there could be exciting news any moment.
“The Soviets will be here in two days,” Martin Bormann tells Us, “Heil Hitler.”
I don’t know if this is ironic or just creepy, but the Feedback banner ad at the top of the page was for http://www.nextbook.org, “a gateway to Jewish culture and ideals.”
So yeah, happy St. Pats.
[ Sell GOOG. -B. ]
It’s actually Adolf Hitler…
[ Thank you for the introduction to the contentious f/ph debate. Britannica loses, ‘f’ wins. -B. ]
*lol* now the banner is advertising http://www.aish.com, “History of Judaism” and http://www.askmoses.com “Jewish History & Info”. If these adds aren’t targeted according to a site’s content then it really is creepy
I edit public grade school textbooks and I need a bit of direction:
Are we going with the Holocaust or not going with the Holocaust this year?
It’s no skin off my desk lamp either way, natch, but it would surely make room for the “Our Nation’s Long History of Preemptive Freedom Campaigns” rewrite.
OH, and don’t call it “revisionist” – think of it as “new” – everybody likes getting something “new”, right?
“Friends say its his genuine love for the Fatherland, though a source close to Nazi doc Theodore Morell tells Us…”
You be the judge.
[ Guilty. Is that schadenfreude I smell? -B. ]
Nooooo, no schadenfreude here, Brian; it’s = it IS, while its is possessive. You were correct.
Harming joy? Damn you, Babel Fish!
Hitler was really dumb!!!!!
Not necessarily dumb. He was a tactical genius and the like….and insane.
I enjoyed reading this blog post! Keep up the wonderful function.