Air travel is rarely a fun or relaxing experience – and when kids are involved it’s like poking your eyes out with a fork while jackbooted thugs step on your groin and Hitler pours acid on your herb garden. Here are some helpful tips to keep you sane this holiday season:
Avoid hassles at security checkpoints by not naming your child Jihad or referring to airline staff as infidels.
Be prepared for delays and other inconveniences by packing extra food, diapers, wipes, lotions, balms, bottles, formula, bibs, spoons, toys, pacifiers, socks, onesies, pants, tops, blankets, dolls, games and whatever other items you’ll need to survive.
Remember the three-second rule: Whatever toy you bring will be boring in three seconds, so divide the flight’s duration by three seconds and you’ll know how many toys to carry on.
Children under two years of age can be carried on the lap for free. But they don’t specify whose lap, so take advantage of that.
Clowns, when not frightening children and adults, can entertain those with undeveloped humor palates for minutes at a time – so bring one. Many airlines offer unpublicized Clown-panion rates. Just keep asking the representative about them until you get transferred or disconnected.
Empty flights mean more space for you and the kids, so fly to places no one goes to anymore like New Orleans.
Schedule flights around your child’s naptime so that your child will sleep on the flight – or the floor of the airport when your flight is delayed two hours.
If you are very wealthy, consider purchasing a second “kiddie” jet and outfitting it with primary colors and DVDs that make your child smarter.
If you already have a foreign woman who does not speak English raising your children for you, have her sit with the children while you sit twenty rows behind because of a ticketing “error.”
Consider flying an airline like JetBlue, which offers TVs in every seat, as opposed to Delta, which offers you a searing pain in your right knee when the guy in front reclines.
Make sure your children do not exceed the height and width requirements for overhead compartments. Stowing children overhead frees up precious legroom for you and gives them a fun play space that contains their various, annoying sounds.
Kill time by inventing fun games like “What’s over at 17F?” and “Go stand outside the cockpit.”
Many doctors are adamantly against the dangerous practice of drugging children with Benadryl and other medicines, but they don’t have to fly with your kids.
Unless the trip is urgent consider waiting 14 years, when your child will be at a more manageable age.