Hello everybody! The future is frickin’ awesome and I hope everyone survives the 2008 typhoon (yep, Al Qaeda) so that they can enjoy it.
TimeWarnerVerizonComcast’s digital temporal internet rocks, I highly recommend getting it when it becomes available in 2019. If you have any suicidal thoughts I urge you to toss them on the back burner for now, because you’re really going to like what the future has in store.
For starters- Paris Hilton is totally dead! But enough about Paris Hilton.
Madonna’s transition into not being famous anymore has really not gone well. Seemingly more and more desperate for attention, she performed an impromptu concert on top of Bloomberg’s Tomb. Most folks found her antics in poor taste, and Mayor Chelsea Clinton condemned the action saying it was disrespectful to the memory of ‘ol Mike. Mayor CC (as we call her) reminded everyone that if it weren’t for Bloomie, thousands of black market cigarette entrepreneurs would still be unemployed.
Seriously, folks here in the future are starting to feel really bad about the Material Girl, and are openly wondering if maybe she’d have been better off pulling a James Dean or Marilyn. Her body is no wonderland, believe you me. Though that didn’t stop her from giving her nurse a sloppy, open-mouth kiss at the 2018 Muzak Awards.
The Harvey Milk high school was just the beginning! It was such a success there’s a school for everyone now! The Gramercy School for Tauntees just opened its doors to 140 kids who have been called all sorts of names. The crowd of 12 supporters far outnumbered the protesters who taunted the students as they arrived – proving the need for such a taxpayer-funded endeavor.
They’re putting the final touches on the plans for the new World Trade Center. Only a handful of approvals are needed on the design and then it’s on to Phase 2: drawing up construction plans. After that, we’re halfway to the home stretch. No doubt, there’ll be a lovely new New York skyline by the time Kobe is released.
The boycott of French products has finally paid off! The Mouton-Rothschild vineyard was forced to lay off a truck driver recently, blaming sagging sales. That’ll teach those little scoundrels. Next time they try to mess with America in the Third New United Nations they’ll think twice about kowtowing to TNUN Chairman Arafat.
Oh! In the future, Time Magazine’s man of the year is Bret Sweet from Skokie. This was the first year that the award was based on information compiled by the Total Information Awareness Network, Department of Homeland Security, PATRIOT VII Act, and Former President Hillary Clinton’s Collective Medical Database. According to Time, Bret has a fantastic credit rating, raised perfect children, is an excellent employee and is nice to puppies. His genetic profile is fantastic – he’s in amazing health, resistant to most common pathogens, has never touched weed, and he makes use of the majority of his frequent flier miles.
Perhaps the greatest future news to New Yorkers is that real estate is dirt cheap! Someone realized that paying $800,000 for a one bedroom condo next to a project full of toothless drunks was totally insane. Sales plummeted, and now real estate agents and apartment brokers have been forced to rob people in other ways.
LaToya’s talk show was canceled, so you have that to look forward to. Speaking of TV things, Showtime gave up and now the channel forwards to HBO.
One of the biggest news items of the future is going to make you happy: In a bunker under a Mail Boxes Etcetera in Baghdad they found the weapons of mass destruction, Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, Saddam Hussein, Johnny Depp and Al Gore’s lockbox. Jayson Blair covered the whole thing for Fox news so it’s fabricated and balanced.
Well, that’s all I can think of from the future. It’s really awesome here. If you eventually wind up in my neighborhood, stop by. My TiVo recorded Bill O’Reilly leaping over his desk to strangle Al Sharpton to death on national televisio