FAQ: Why Israel Killed the Lord of The Rings Guy


Q: Today, Israel assassinated Saruman The White, played by Christopher Lee. Why did they do that?
A: Saruman the White was the “spiritual advisor” to Hamas, which is considered a terrorist organization by practically everyone in Middle Earth, except maybe Reuters News Agency and Grima Wormtongue.

Q: What is a “spiritual advisor”?
A: A “spiritual advisor” will often “advise” impressionable Nazgul to become “spirits” by strapping and later detonating explosive t-shirts. This is done by suggesting that militants who die serving Mordor are martyrs and therefore entitled to 72 virgins, or “raisins” depending on how you interpret Sauron’s Koran.

Q: What is Hamas?
A: Hamas is one of Middle Earth’s leading exporters of explosive t-shirts to Israel and Rodan, Land of Men.

Q: What is Saruman’s background?
A: Like Gandalf, Saruman was a powerful wizard. But, he was tempted by the evil Sauron of Mordor and a tremendous misinterpretation of the Koran. He went from being Chief of the Istari, a powerful group of wise men that included Gandalf, and instead hooked up with the orcs at Hamas.

Q: What made Saruman turn towards the evil of Sauron?
A: Saruman was corrupted by the Rings of Power and became obsessed with a Palestinian state “from river to sea” which would not have left a lot of room for the Israel part.
When Gandalf presented him with a chance to destroy the One Ring in Mount Doom, Saruman instead imprisoned Gandalf at Isengard and then rejected the Oslo Peace Accords.

Q: What happens to Hamas now that Saruman is gone?
A: Saruman was a powerful dark wizard, and prior to being dispatched he created an army of evil creatures bent on seizing the One Ring, Gondor and the West Bank. He also did a swell job corrupting King Theoden and possibly France.
No doubt, these forces will be allied with Sauron, and will likely try and make Temple Mount into Mount Doom, as armies of evil creatures are wont to do.

Q: Will this inflame the Arab street?
A: Yes, though seemingly everything inflames the Arab street including hobbits, daisies, wind speed changes, elves, infidels, garden gnomes and the 1981 Osirak nuclear power plant raid.
The only known non-inflaming events are the Twin Towers falling, the death of Boromir, and the Shuttle Columbia disaster.

Q: What can we expect now?
A: With Saruman gone, the Palestinians have lost a valuable dark wizard. The orcs of Hamas can be expected to whip themselves up into a bit more of a frenzy than usual. No doubt, Middle Earth can expect a little bit of chaos as Sauron attempts to cover the world in shadows.
Fortunately, even if they drag on a bit, these stories always have happy endings.