[Mr. bin Laden sworn in]
KEAN: Thank you for coming, Mister bin Laden.
UBL: Thank you for having me.
KEAN: Mister bin Laden, as we understand it, you were really not much of a factor in the 2000 U.S. Presidential election. To the best of my knowledge neither you nor your shadowy, demonic organization had received much attention from either the Bush campaign nor the Gore campaign. You were not a “number-one priority” in any case.
UBL: That is correct. Lots of talking about the environment and missile defense and economy, but no talking about me. I was starting to wonder who I had to kill to get noticed in this town.
HAMILTON: The October 2000 bombing of the U.S.S. Cole got you some recognition.
UBL: It did, yes. A little. But again, hello, you’re only as good as your last film, so to speak, and no one was watching mine. Only 17 dead! I’ve been to weddings where more than 17 died when we fired our AK-47s in the air. I was hoping for more tit-for-tat exchanges. I was titting, but there was no tatting – except maybe when Clinton had a good reason to tat, because of the thing with the fat girl and the shady land deal.
LEHMAN: Did you sense that the incoming Bush administration was going to take a greater interest in you?
UBL: I hoped. I thought that with Richard Clarke my stock might go up somewhat. I realize the Great Satan has many things on its plate but I was really starting to get cross. I felt I had paid my dues many times over and the best I could get was a cameo on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. It was very disheartening. It seemed that Mister Clarke might recognize my talent and introduce me to the right people.
KEAN: And did he?
UBL: I don’t know if he was making much progress. A donkey courier once told me the rumor was they were taking me a little more seriously, but I was still a C-list celebrity. Swatting at flies? I’m 6′ 5″ for Allah’s sake. They treated me like an annoying terrier with the yipping and nipping. This is insulting, really, seeing as this has been my life’s work, not to mention I’m on Team Allah.
BEN-VENISTE: Were you aware of any plans to “bring you to justice?”
UBL: That would have been a hard sell, pre 9/11. It would be like explaining that Sofia Coppola was qualified to direct a major feature. People would have said to Bush the Demon “What the hell are you doing?” The American infidel public would not have understood. Now, of course, the majority of them would rip my eyes from my sockets and dance on my spleen. Times change.
KERREY: I’ll be blunt. Do you think the September 11 attacks could have been prevented?
UBL: Of course not. It was Allah’s will. When Allah says to go forth and murder thousands of unsuspecting, innocent, civilian men and women, that’s what Allah gets, because He is great and all that. The plan was the plan, and we had Allah’s blessing. At one point [Mohammed] Atta called me with a new plan to plant himself amongst the infidels of the Lambda Bath House in San Francisco. Atta said he had a new idea, and he’d assimilate into that community for several years, and was even ready to live with a hairless guy named Milo in a one-bedroom apartment with a Pekingese. I told him no, because that’s not what Allah wanted. He was a little whiny, but eventually he dropped it.
BEN-VENISTE: So, beyond any doubt, you don’t think this could have been prevented?
UBL: Could the Affirmative Oscars of 2002 have been prevented… with Halle Berry and the ridiculous cut-away to Sidney Poitier? Could Pearl Harbor have been prevented? Clay Aiken? No. Allah’s will can not be prevented. When He says “jump” you say “how high, and with how many pounds of ammonium nitrate?”
ROEMER: So, you’re telling us here, under oath, that there was no silver bullet?
UBL: Is this because of the beard? Is it that unruly?