When hermaphrodite banana slugs get it on, one of them gets their ten-inch penis eaten – something I’d not known.
This is but one of many tantalizing facts contained in How Animals Have Sex, a book I’d have called Muskrat Love or Flatworms Gone Wild. But I don’t name the books, I just mention them when they are sent to me.
The book is a valuable resource for anyone who craves knowledge or simply wants to see photos of slutty giraffes. The way animals (and several insects) knock hooves is fascinating, and often involves peeing and other odd things you only see in German porn. The photo of a bean weevil penis belongs in a Cronenberg film and will not leave my memory any time soon.
One of the more intriguing descriptions is that of the bowerbird, an anal-retentive creature prone to fits that spends a great deal of time decorating in the hopes of getting laid. In other words, it’s a flying metrosexual.
Other things you’ll glean from this book: The male bee has a 1 in 20,000 chance of having sex – odds that at the very least would have comforted me in high school. I’m better off than a bee! I could have told myself as I ate lunch alone in the theatre balcony.
Like Angelina Jolie, zebra finch females are attracted to men who appear to be spoken for. Symbolism-seeking conservatives will be delighted to know the albatross is another winged contender for Family Values mascot: it mates for life and the sex is wholly uneventful.
The book comes with a priceless chimp centerfold which endeared me to author David Strorm – who seems to be English as he uses words like “flat” instead of “apartment.” To maximize your reading experience, Strorm strategically bolds certain phrases of import such as huge spurts of porcupine wee, amazing panda sex and my fave, traumatic insemination.
How Animals Have Sex is an enjoyable, short and funny book which belongs in the bathroom or on a night stand. It would also make an unpretentious addition to any coffee table. You’re probably not going to read it on the subway though. It doesn’t seem like subway reading, just like The Gift Of Pain was an odd choice for brunch reading yesterday, lady.
This book is a great argument against the Intelligent Design theory, especially once you see the bean weevil penis.
Perhaps you should consider adding How Animals Have Sex
Brian Sack
I started Banterist in 2003 after this conversation with my cat. It led to all sorts of good things.
I’ve always suspected it, but now I’m convinced: you have way too much time on your hands.
Damn you. Now I want to see a Bean Weevil penis. Even though I didnt even know there was such a thing as a bean weevil.
I assume this is animal and not bug, because a bug with a 10 inch penis is just disturbing.
Please tell me you didn’t pay for this book? ;D
I want to meet the lady reading The Gift of Pain. She sounds interesting.
[ Publishers send me books on animal sex for free. I have arrived. -B. ]
Hmmm … I think I would have titled the book “All Creatures Grunt and Smell”
In related news:
To see this story with its related links on the EducationGuardian.co.uk site, go to http://education.guardian.co.uk
Necrophilia among ducks ruffles research feathers Donald MacLeod Tuesday March 08 2005 The Guardian
The strange case of the homosexual necrophiliac duck pushed out the boundaries of knowledge in a rather improbable way when it was recorded by Dutch researcher Kees Moeliker.
It may have ruffled a few feathers, but it earned him the coveted Ig Nobel prize for biology awarded for improbable research, and next week he will be recounting his findings to UK audiences on the Ig Nobel tour.
Ducks behave pretty badly, it seems. It is not so much that up to one in 10 of mallard couples are homosexual – no one would raise an eyebrow in the liberal Netherlands – but they regularly indulge in “attempted rape flights” when they pursue other ducks with a view to forcible mating. “Rape is a normal reproductive strategy in mallards,” explains Mr Moeliker.
As he recounts in his seminal paper, The first case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard anas platyrhynchos, he was in his office in the Natuurmuseum Rotterdam, when he was alerted by a bang to the fact a bird had crashed into the glass facade of the building. “I went downstairs immediately to see if the window was damaged, and saw a drake mallard (anas platyrhynchos) lying motionless on its belly in the sand, two metres outside the facade. The unfortunate duck apparently had hit the building in full flight at a height of about three metres from the ground. Next to the obviously dead duck, another male mallard (in full adult plumage without any visible traces of moult) was present. He forcibly picked into the back, the base of the bill and mostly into the back of the head of the dead mallard for about two minutes, then mounted the corpse and started to copulate, with great force, almost continuously picking the side of the head.
“Rather startled, I watched this scene from close quarters behind the window until 19.10 hours during which time (75 minutes) I made some photographs and the mallard almost continuously copulated his dead congener. He dismounted only twice, stayed near the dead duck and picked the neck and the side of the head before mounting again. The first break (at 18.29 hours) lasted three minutes and the second break (at 18.45 hours) lasted less than a minute. At 19.12 hours, I disturbed this cruel scene. The necrophilic mallard only reluctantly left his ‘mate’: when I had approached him to about five metres, he did not fly away but simply walked off a few metres, weakly uttering a series of two-note ‘raeb-raeb’ calls (the ‘conversation-call’ of Lorentz 1953). I secured the dead duck and left the museum at 19.25 hours. The mallard was still present at the site, calling ‘raeb-raeb’ and apparently looking for his victim (who, by then, was in the freezer).”
Mr Moeliker suggests the pair were engaged in a rape flight attempt. “When one died the other one just went for it and didn’t get any negative feedback – well, didn’t get any feedback,” he said.
His findings have provoked a lot of interest – especially in Britain for some reason – but no other recorded cases of duck necrophilia. However, Mr Moeliker was informed of an American case involving a squirrel and a dead partner, although in this case it is not known whether the necrophilia observed was homosexual or not as the victim had been run over by a truck shortly before the incident.
Copyright Guardian Newspapers Limited
You had me at “traumatic insemination.”
I love you PARIS HILTON
hi i want to send me pic and movies animals sex thanks
[ Freak. -B. ]
The monkey’s goods look like the Star Wars emperor.
love it
very natural
i need2 animals sex
i need some pictures
Nice post. Love your blog