The Fund For Ribbons

The statistics are gut-wrenching.
Every twelve minutes, another cause suffers from lack of a ribbon.
Many of us take ribbons for granted. When cars pass us on the highway with 2, 3, even 8 ribbons it’s easy for us to think that every cause has a ribbon.
Unfortunately, that’s far from the truth.
No doubt you’ve seen breast cancer ribbons, patriotic ribbons, autism ribbons, lupus ribbons and dyslexia ribobns [sic].
Amazingly, they’re only the tip of the iceberg. The sad fact is there are hundreds and hundreds of causes that end each day completely ribbonless.
Even in America.

I know it’s hard to believe, but even in the land of plenty, unwed mothers lack a ribbon. Cross-eyed bandits. Sephardic pimps. Churro Awareness. The list goes on and on.
That’s why I’m asking you for your help.
I’m counting on you to make a small financial sacrifice. Your much needed funds will help us identify new causes.
Like Chicken Envy.
And your funds will then help us assign those causes new ribbons. Unique ribbons. Ribbons that say we care.
I’m thinking yellow and white – for the chicken part – with a frilly green edge to symbolize envy.
See? We can make a difference. That difference starts with you. Don’t be discouraged by the seemingly overwhelming task ahead of us. Though there are countless un-ribboned causes – like Fat Acceptance and Dandruff Pride – we can come up with ribbons for all of them. But we need you to help.
Your contribution will help buy hundreds of shades of blue or green or yellow, not to mention low-cost icons, clip art, squiggles – whatever it takes to get the message out and stuck on the back of a car. Once we do that, we’re halfway to a cure. Unless it’s not a disease, in which case we’re halfway to acceptance or awareness, depending.
But one thing is certain: Without your help, we can not cover this great country in ribbons. While god, guns and guts made this country great, ribbons help keep it together. Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons. And rubber bracelets.
The Fund for Ribbons needs your support. And ironically, we need a ribbon ourselves.
Sincerely,
Jan-Michael Vincent & Tone-Loc