Las Vegas Dispatch: Oh, Craps.

Las Vegas is filled with morbidly obese people milling about extravagant billion-dollar casinos, in complete denial of the fact that the extravagant billion-dollar casinos they’re milling about were built with money from morbidly obese people.
What separates the horrendous, low class crowd here from the horrendous, low class crowd at Disneyworld? Greed. At least I have to assume that’s why they’re here. Certainly it’s not to see Carrot Top or Rita Rudner.
In case you’ve never heard of Danny Gans, he’s HUGE in Vegas. He’s the best! Danny Gans! Danny Gans!
Las Vegas has changed a lot over the years. It’s no longer a mob-controlled adult play-land. Now it’s a corporate, family-friendly place where no one bats an eyelid when some schmuck pushes his kid’s stroller through the craps tables at 1 a.m. I’m not sure what they call Family Services folks here, but they’re probably busy playing Keno anyway.
Just like the U.S. in 1958, or France now, you can smoke anywhere you feel like and nobody says a thing. No freaky old lady screams “cancer!” at you, and no one hacks and waves frantically to let you know they’re offended by your smoke. But freedom isn’t free. The price? Whatever’s in your wallet.
Careers never die in Vegas! If you’re done in the rest of the country you can come here and pretend it’s still going strong. And if you want, you can make money just emulating dead performers. A lot of shows are short on plot, tall on nipple. So, good news for naked girls: you’re hired!
You can order whores according to the mobile billboard for “Hot Babes Direct” that I saw. Though frankly the model had cankles, so maybe there’s a “Hotter Babes Direct.” Maybe has whoremonger ratings.
Las Vegas is all about excess and being wild. It’s the only place I’ve been where someone offered to swap wives with me. I’ll pass for now, but thanks for the awkward discourse! Your lady was hot too, but since she passed out three minutes after the offer I’m thinking I’d have gotten the short end of the stick.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but the 400-pound woman perched in front of a slot machine, oozing bum-flesh off her stool as she balanced a cocktail and cigarette in one hand and robotically tugged the slot arm with the other… that’s still with me.
Non-theme casinos are dinosaurs now. If you don’t have a theme, you’re doomed. People want to lose their money in a replica of some place that they won’t have the money to travel to. For example:
PARIS – For those who’ve never been to France but wanted to know what a lousy, overpriced croissant tastes like in a venue that’s as French as Akira Kurosawa, this is the place.
EXCALIBUR – What folks thought the 1200s were like in the 1970s.
MANDALAY BAY – It’s tropical, because they have parrots.
WYNN – It’s the opposite of what happens to you when you’re there but it’s technically not false advertising because it’s named after Vegas mogul Steve Wynn.
LUXOR – Like going to Egypt, but without the fear of Jamaat al-Islamyya gunning you down.
HOOTERS – Breasts.
NEW YORK NEW YORK – Very much like New York, if New York was a mediocre casino that let Rita Rudner not entertain audiences.
HARD ROCK CAFÉ – This is where the young and hip crowd goes. Which is why I’ll avoid it like chicken herpes.
STRATOSPHERE – The theme? It’s tall. It has rides at the very top that you can try as soon as the four crew members can connect the security restraints around the two 380-pound women ahead of you.
VENETIAN – The canals of Venice are recreated here, minus the raw sewage and ass-pinching Italian men.
IMPERIAL PALACE – An Asian-themed hotel whose late owner threw parties on Hitler’s birthday in the secret Nazi memorabilia room. Actually, maybe the theme is Axis powers. Or jackass.
BELLAGIO – It’s Italian for rich people place.
CAESAR’S PALACE – Outside of a frat party, one of the few places where you can see adults in togas.
TREASURE ISLAND – What do pirates do? They kill you and take your money. Let’s use that theme for a casino!
Rich Young Yuppie Guy told me the best bet in craps is the “odds bet.” After following his lead I doubled my money, so maybe he was right. Too bad I had to leave for the airport eight minutes later.
If you’re married to a strong-willed lady, have her come snatch 50% of every winning hand. At the end of the evening when you’re out of money she’ll open her purse and show you all the chips she didn’t let you lose, and you’ll realize she’s smarter than you are.
Don’t gamble. Who do you think paid for Steve Wynn’s jet?