DONOVAN BLAINE (Dr. Morganville) is forty six and hates life. His fucking friend Lee got a fucking role on the fucking Sopranos and that’s bullshit because it should have gone to him. Things haven’t turned out for Donovan and he wishes he went into insurance like his dick brother Alfred. Donovan has appeared in the Carnival Cruise Line production of Les Miserables and is a founding member of The Chuckles, an ensemble of clowns that terrify terminally ill children in various hospital wards. His real name is Ted Weed.
MISSY MACDONALD (Madame Sylvia) Missy returns to the stage after unsuccessfully trying to tackle Los Angeles, where she was eaten alive by fellow actor/she-vipers. She was an ideal pick for the role of Madame Sylvia because both characters are dull, insecure and quite lonely. Missy’s father ran off when she was six, so she’ll sleep with anything.
BRAD TARTHOFFER (Mr. Griggers) Brad’s dilemma of being broke all the time is due in part to his doing community theatre for $20/week. He is a homosexual.
DANNY TYSON (Mr. Banana) This is Danny’s first play, which will become painfully obvious in about three minutes.
CHRISTOPHER BRIT (Dr. Camden) Christopher was on One Life To Live in 1984 but talks about it like it was yesterday. He had three lines he delivered poorly but insists they never used him again because the show’s regulars felt threatened. Christopher was a shoo-in for the role of Dr. Camden after the first choice came down with the flu.
DEREK BEEMER (Angelo) Derek most recently performed Shakespeare Gone Wild in the back of the Williamsburg Ale House because he doesn’t have a very good agent.
TARA DIPHESIO (Dania) Tara always thought it would be better than this. She doesn’t know what happened. She recently auditioned for an experimental film and had to take her top off. Her manager operates out of his apartment.
LAILA TATE (Melissa) Laila has coasted on her stunning looks for years, often snatching key roles from more-talented but less-attractive women. Laila is very aware that she is onstage and if you cough it will throw off her whole performance.
CHRIS ROSENWIG (Passerby) Chris notified every casting director and agent in town about his four-line role, indicating that he takes himself way too seriously.
KERRI SIPES (Dr. Chandrae) Kerri won’t stop talking about the fucking Meisner technique.
Satire
My Porn Library
In Denial of Long-Term Consequences, Vol. 4
Anything for a Camaro
Dullard with a DV Camera in a Crummy Motel, vol. 20
Hot n’ Uneducated
Chicks With Bad Dads, #18
Shaved, Stacked and Insecure
Issues With Women, No. 6
Bad Judgment Fiesta, Featuring Mocha Lynn
Vivid Presents: Aspiring Actresses Who Think They’re Breaking Into Show Business
Dim Future Sex Party
From Stripping To This #19
Unemployed Sluts in Debt
My Boyfriend Said This Would Be A Good Idea, Pt. III
Future Regrets, Vol. 22
It’s Come To This, XVI
Barely Literate
A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs
I created Citizen Change last year with one goal and one goal only: I wanted folks between 18-30 years of age to get out there and rock the vote.
And when November 2nd came around, and those extra 40 or so folks went to the polls, I realized we had succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. We rocked it, indeed. Politics will never be the same.
I can’t tell you the immense pride I get from having made a difference – from rocking something like the vote. And it made me think.
Diddy, you awesome. Diddy, you going to heaven. Diddy, let’s rock something else.
That’s right. I want to rock something else.
Sure, I could just call it quits now, mumble “Mission accomplished” over the melody to John Mayer’s Daughters, and all would be fine. But Citizen Combs doesn’t want to stop there. Citizen Combs believes in our youth, and the power they have to make a difference. Citizen Combs wants you by his side as we fight together for change.
Our victory last November proved that we’re a force to be reckoned with, that we’re unstoppable. For that reason, we shouldn’t stop.
It occurred to me last night while sitting under my personal umbrella that it would be foolish to waste the momentum we have. Since Citizen Change was created with change in mind, it should continue to focus on change. Change is good. So right now, I’d like to change the way you watch television.
I’m asking you to get out there and buy TiVo, or die.
I know this sounds extreme – that you should die if you don’t go and purchase TiVo – but I feel strongly about it. Real strongly. Plus, it’s a catchy slogan. Farnsworth thought of it. He thinks of things when he’s not holding my personal umbrella.
TiVo or Die.
Seriously, TiVo will change the way you watch television forever. It’s revolutionary. I love TiVo so much, I don’t even turn a TV on anymore unless it has TiVo. It’s not worth it. I have parted ways with good friends because we don’t see eye to eye on TiVo.
Once you get used to TiVo, there’s no going back. Sometimes when I’m in Leo DiCaprio’s basement screening a film and I miss a crucial plot point, I want to rewind and see it again. Then it occurs to me:
Diddy, you awesome. But this is a screening, Diddy. It ain’t got TiVo, Diddy.
Then I’m in a funk downpour that even a personal umbrella can’t protect me from.
So, TiVo or die.
You can pause live television. Never again will you miss 60 Minutes because you were interrupted by a noisy fax, phone call or your personal umbrella handler.
TiVo is like a friend, too. But not an entourage friend. A real friend. TiVo gets to know you and what you like to watch. Based on that, it finds shows it thinks you might want to see. Then it records them for you, like a ho trying to win you over. TiVo’s like:
Diddy, you awesome. And Diddy, I know you like antiques, so I recorded a lot of shows about them. TiVo love you, Diddy. TiVo you friend.
And don’t just take my word for it, even though you should. In the next few weeks you’ll be seeing lipsynctress Ashlee Simpson take to the streets to encourage you to get TiVo. Role model 50 Cent will be representing with a big TiVo medallion he’s going to wear. Janeane Garofalo will be on O’Reilly Factor – and this time she won’t get eaten alive because she’ll be talking TiVo. And everybody will love TiVo. Even conservatives. But Citizen Change is non-partisan, so that doesn’t matter none.
And that’s just the beginning. We have a lot of change on our agenda, because we’re Citizen Change, and change is half of our name. Once we’ve made people see the way of TiVo, we’ll be changing other things. Like the way we look at votive candles – perhaps the most under-appreciated candles in the world.
But that’s a fight for another day.
For now, it’s TiVo. TiVo or die.
Peace.
Sean
So, You Want To Be A Germ Freak
The first thing to remember is that every single one of us has the potential to totally obsess about germs. And why not? We’re all exposed to them. But some folks seem to have achieved a level of germ-phobic behavior that most of us can only dream of. How many times have you seen a guy at Whole Foods with plastic bags taped to his hands and asked yourself why you don’t care about germs as much as he does? What does he know that you don’t, and might you be touching it?
The fact of the matter is many of us would like to be more successfully afraid of that which we can’t see, but for a variety of reasons we’re not. Most of us won’t ever achieve a significant germ neurosis in our lifetime, when in fact each and every one of us has the capacity to easily do so. What separates the Average Joe from the Average Joe who washes his hands twelve times a day? One thing: effort.
Properly obsessing about germs isn’t easy and for that reason a lot of folks give up without even trying. Being terrified of germs means being willing to think about them and keep them front-of-mind at all times. It means never looking at a door handle without thinking there’s probably a trace of pee on that.
While that’s not always easy, the fact is nothing worth having is easy to come by. Do you think Shaquille O’Neal took the easy route? No. He worked hard, mastered his craft, and now he passes a filthy ball to other sweating men and sits on locker room benches naked. But he gets paid a lot of money.
To understand how to be a better germ-phobic you have to understand how a neurotic, germ-obsessed brain works. Take Happy Hour. While most of us quaff martinis and laugh at each other’s jokes, the truly accomplished germ-phobic isn’t so easily distracted. He’s thinking about the olives: The bartender touched the olives with the same hands she takes money with. There’s probably a trace of pee on them.
What it really comes down to is practice. Practice is what separates the average aspiring singer from karaoke master Ashlee Simpson. Practice does indeed make perfect. The more time you spend thinking trace amounts of pee or probably influenza, the easier it will eventually come to you. With enough practice you could be like Elton John, but instead of mastering the piano you’ll be skilled at detecting fecal threats.
One of the great things about building a successful germ neurosis is that you can do it anywhere because germs are everywhere and attacking you at all times. Every waking and sleeping moment of your life has the potential to be yet another educational opportunity that puts you one step closer to being truly, irreversibly obsessed with germs.
Take these moments, and see how a trained germ-phobic mind interprets them:
Signing a credit card slip at Rite Aid.
Typical: [Signs name]
Trained: That pen has been touched by thousands of people, many of whom were at this pharmacy because they were sick. If I touch that thing I will be feverish before I get home. [Pays cash]
Pouring milk at Starbucks.
Typical: [pours milk]
Trained: That thermos has been handled by god knows how many people and no doubt many of them had runny noses because of the weather, and I’m certain they didn’t use tissues. [drinks it black after wiping the lid]
Shaking hands with an old friend from college.
Typical: [shakes hands]
Trained: It’s good to see him but he’s a stockbroker and those guys never was their hands. Plus he may be gay so god knows what he just did in the subway.
How many germ-phobia opportunities does the day present you? It just depends where you go when you leave the house. If you leave the house.
Like many things, success is up to you. With just a little effort on a regular basis you could eventually be that guy at Whole Foods with plastic bags taped to his hands. Make that dream a reality. But first wash your hands – your keyboard is filthy.
Aelfred of Dunwoody Recalls a Viking Incursion at Wal-Mart, 848 AD.
First to fall was the greeter, Matthew the Elder, pierc’d in the throat by an arrow. Those of us who survived this day owe him great thanks, as before he fell he was able to alert the nearby cashiers. With speed and determination they took it upon themselves to spread the message that the Vikings were setting upon us in short order, having parked their longboats in all the handicapped spaces.
Several customers, some mid-purchase and others with intention to purchase a variety of discounted goods, were encouraged to leave them behind and proceed with haste to the gardening aisle. It was believed the tools there provided the best defense from the Vikings, in particular the Remington 16-inch electric chainsaw, the price of which had been recently rolled back to $57.77.
Message Threads From The Negligent Parent Forum
| How can I stop my baby from teething? |
| Where’s a good place to learn my kidren? |
| How do u prevent malnourishment? |
| Goats nipping newborn when he sleeps. Any suggs? |
| My 7 year old wanta go to school she ready? |
| WHAT FOODS ISN’T SOLID? |
| Baby cold. Cry. Frostbite? |
| Sleeping 38 hours solid and counting! |
| Trying to homeschool, but homeless. Solution? |
| bitch dont shut up |
| Baby dont got no teeth, bubblegum ok? |
| Homemade crib got splinters. Help!!!!!!!! |
| Baby allergic to poison ivy. |
| How much Ambien for a colicky 9 week old? |
| Lost him. Now what? |
| safest time to leave baby unattended |
| Cold out – sweater? |
| baby scared of screams |
| Posion Control open Sundays or should I wait? |
| diaper don’t fit over pants |
| Baby seems selfish. |
The Starbucks Glossary
Antiventi
A person who rejects company size lingo and orders their beverage in small, medium and large.
Botulidm
Discomfort associated with a barista pressing a dirty thumb on the lid’s sipping-hole while affixing it to your cup.
Chainchronicity
When you can stand in one Starbucks and see another, such as at Astor Place.
Coffotomy
Removal of unwanted beverage by pouring it into the trash, usually to make room for milk.
Coffusion
When two or more customers reach for the same beverage, unsure of its ownership.
Delait
When you are forced to wait for the milk thermos you need.
Denialinated
A high-calorie, high-fat beverage such as the Caramel Mocha ordered with skim milk to reduce guilt.
Hesitip
The act of waiting until the employee can see you place money in the jar, so you can get credit for it.
Neglact
To forget that the customer wanted room for milk and fill the cup to the brim.
Textibitionist
A person seated so you can see the mediocre screenplay on his laptop.
The Platinum MetroCard
Underneath the streets of New York is a world of luxury, privilege and service. The Platinum MetroCard is your invitation to be part of it. With its unique privileges and outstanding benefits, the Platinum MetroCard is perfectly tailored to fit the lifestyle of those folks who are successful, yet still have to take mass transit.
You’ll not only enjoy all the traditional benefits standard MetroCard holders enjoy, you’ll also enjoy unprecedented class and service. The subway is your oyster.
Member Benefits:
MTA Miles
Every dollar you spend is a mile earned, redeemable for tissues and gum.
Elite service
You’ll board the train first. And you’re guaranteed a seat without a hobo or sticky residue on it.
Peace of Mind
Leave your bags unattended in the station or on the train without consequence. And if you see something, you don’t have to say something. (Si ves algo, no problemo)
Exclusive benefits
Upon entering the station, you’ll be handed free newspapers for your reading pleasure courtesy of Metro News or A.M.
Comfort
Your seat is your own. You can relax knowing you don’t have to surrender it to the elderly or pregnant.
Hygiene
If you accidentally touch the handrail, just ask your steward for a complimentary antibacterial towelette.
Public Address? Not for you.
The conductor will personally tell you where the train is headed – audibly, in clear and understandable English.
Hassle-free travel
While waiting for your train, take advantage of the Platinum MetroCard member booths in stations where they haven’t been closed.
Honesty
No rehearsed sob stories from panhandlers. They’ll tell you straight out they need money for drugs.
Perks
Complimentary nuts roaming through the train, and a chance to purchase batteries for $1 from the roving Duty Free guy.
Service
An experienced MetroCard Swiping Assistant will swipe your card for you, so you can concentrate on other things.
Freedom
Take videos and pictures on the subway without being interrogated.
Feel at home
Upon arriving at your station, the superintendent of that station will greet you on a first-name basis.
Save time
Expedite your station entrance and exit via the Platinum member turn-style.
Entertainment
Free live shows for your pleasure, from the sleeping heroin addict to the untalented saxophonist with AIDS.
Exclusive events
Be among the first to ride the Second Avenue subway line when it debuts in 2033.
A world of subway privilege awaits. Don’t put it off any longer. To apply for the Platinum MetroCard, stand near any station entrance and tell people you’ve arrived.
Professor Morley’s Scientific Conclusions Regarding Bees
When bees fight back and sting, they die. Therefore, every living bee is a non-confrontational dandy.
If a bee faces an obstacle in the acquisition of food, such as choosing between pressing a red or green button, the bee will starve to death.
When a bee is placed in a complicated maze the bee will fly out of the maze and go home.
Bees have the same negative reaction to being swatted as a water buffalo does, though they suffer disproportionate physical consequences.
Bees are drawn towards vacuums and repelled by fans.
An adult bee of average weight and size and a sickly dwarven bee will both succumb to hammer blows.
Bees become agitated if you punch their hive. Agitated bees can not tell the difference between the individual who assaulted their hive and the innocent 10-year old boy chained in the corner of the laboratory.
Bees are attracted to and die from Fly Tape, even though it is not for them.
When exposed to the vacuum of outer space, bees lose consciousness and float away in a random pattern.
Bees are not carb-conscious.
A bee can not support the weight of a portrait of Harriet Tubman.
A bee kept under a glass will die of either boredom or hunger. Not sure which.
If you place a tracking collar on a bee, the bee will not go anywhere, rendering the tracking collar pointless.
The Queen bee is the most valuable member of the hive. If the Queen is killed, and you pin the blame on Timmy, the bees will be enraged at him.
Bees have no concept of “mercy” and will continue stinging Timmy despite his claims of innocence.
Bees have an innate ability to dodge arrows.
The United States Postal Service is incapable of delivering a bee in good health, regardless of the size of the envelope.
If there was a belief that bees were immune to boiling water it has been proven untrue.
An agitated bee doesn’t care if you are an attractive Italian woman.
Bees do not pause for picture-taking, therefore they might believe a photograph will steal their soul.
If you bring a hive to a Spelling Bee, the bees will not appreciate it and will sting the screaming, smart children.
Bees are unlike starfish, because things don’t grow back.
A bee will not travel in a straight line, even with proper signage.
Bees can not be incited to revolt, which explains why they still have a monarchy.
Bees have no aspirations beyond protecting and servicing the Queen. No matter how much you talk up the merits of joining the elite group of bees known as Bee Force, recruitment rates will be abysmal.
I Do (for the time being)
A message from the future. An original piece for UK daily newspaper The Independent.
A Day In The Love Life Of An A-List Celebrity
7:35a
Awake. My heart hangs heavy with the demise of yesterday’s relationship with André.
7:50a
My assistant Annette calls to say the editor of Us Weekly was furious that André and I split up the same day the “So In Love!” issue went to press.
8:02a
Hot shower. Rebirth. André will soon be a distant memory.
9:45a
At the soundstage. This video is going to stink. But, what the label wants, the label usually gets.
10:10a
I first encounter Sebastian, a dancer, at the craft service table. I ask him how he keeps fit if he’s eating donuts. He laughs. I sense a connection.
10:16a
Sebastian tells me he really enjoyed my last album. He works out to it. He likes me. He really likes me! Could it be love? Back to work.
11:03a
Can’t take my mind off of Sebastian. I long to see him again at the craft service table.
11:28a
He approaches as I’m eating a carrot. Small talk. He brushes my elbow! It feels electric. I ask Annette to issue a press release hinting there may once again be love on the horizon for me.
12:12p
Back to the shoot. I miss Sebastian already. He’s lost in a crowd of dancers while I stand on a fake mountaintop waving a flag that has my face on it. Pyrotechnics and fake snow. This video stinks, but thinking of his warm smile gets me through it.
1:00p
Lunch break. Sebastian turns out to be a vegetarian too! We both have Reebok dance shoes and disposable contact lenses. So much in common.
1:43p
Our first kiss happens after lunch by the trash can near a generator and an oasis of fake palm trees. Magic! I could look into his eyes forever.
1:44p
Back to work!
2:08p
I tell Sebastian I love having him around. He suggests asking the director if he could stand on the fake mountaintop next to me and wave my face-flag. Director finally gives in. We’re together!
2:50p
During a break I ask Sebastian where he sees himself in ten years. He smiles and says, “Wherever you are.” My heart melts. He’s the one for me.
3:12p
We make sweet, quick love in the trailer.
3:38p
Rumors abound!
4:20p
After a wardrobe change, he proposes. He’s dressed as a knight. So appropriate! I ask Annette to issue a press release about our engagement and budding love.
5:02p
I have an on-set interview with E! television. I tell them I’ve found my man. Sebastian and I are already talking about children. They want to know all about him. I’m not sure, so I have Annette find out more info.
5:45p
I’ve changed some scenes in the video. Sebastian is now very prominent – by my side in every shot. I want the world to know of our love! Take that André!
6:50p
Sebastian calls his pregnant girlfriend to tell her it’s over. After, we let the paparazzi come in and shoot us near a closet of props left over from the “A-Team.” Everyone says we make a great couple. I’ve never looked happier, my publicist says.
7:03p
The editors of Us Weekly, Star and In Touch call to tell Annette that our love and engagement will be their next cover story. I’m so happy!
7:14p
The girls all know Sebastian is taken, by me, which makes him even more attractive to them. Girls can be so evil! I tell him to keep a distance, and not to risk everything we’ve invested in our relationship. He worries that jealousy could tear us apart.
8:22p
During some fight scene choreography, I swear I see Sebastian flirting with one of the “maidens” – some sexed-out bimbo with MasterCard boobs. I start to worry. This is the man I want to spend my life with. I call him on it and he gets really defensive. Our first fight.
8:41p
We haven’t talked in nineteen minutes. Something is wrong.
8:48p
I see him at the craft service table with a different dancer. Asian. Could it be a date? My heart breaks! I have Annette issue a press release that there have been some stormy moments, but we’re still very much in love and working though them. Back to the set.
9:02p
People have picked up on our troubles. I can’t bear to be near Sebastian. Hurts too much. He’s no longer featured in any close-up shots. He’s back in the crowd of dancers. We deny anything is wrong.
9:37p
I swear he’s blatantly making a play for another dancer. Redhead. He’s talking and practicing dance moves with her. This isn’t how a fiancée should act. Our trust has been damaged. This love is doomed.
10:10p
On break. Sebastian is knocking on my trailer door, but I won’t see him. I tell Annette to issue a press release that I’m returning the ring.
10:30p
I deliberately go to craft service to get some carrots. I make sure everyone sees my ringless hand.
10:42p
Rumors abound! There’s no hiding it now.
10:46p
Sebastian tells E! and In Touch that he still loves me and hopes we can be together. I won’t let him walk on my heart though. There are other fish in the sea, I’m told.
11:17p
The editor of Us Weekly calls Annette to verify rumors of the relationship’s demise. Annette suggests it was mutual, that we’d simply grown apart. They’ll change the headline.
11:32p
Heartbroken… drained. Love sucks worse than this video. The car service picks me up from the soundstage and whisks me – the further away from Sebastian, the better.
11:59p
At home and soon to sleep. Only time will heal my broken heart. Fortunately, there’s always tomorrow.
How Past Girlfriends Could Have Changed History
Adolf Hitler
Tammy wouldn’t like Hitler’s sense of humor and would give him a frowny face every time he told a joke. He would invite her to his parades and she’d tell him the goose-stepping looked “gay” and that she “didn’t get” the swastika. This would undermine his confidence and make it harder for him to retain an iron grip on power. “I don’t know what you see in that Goebbels,” she’d say. “He seems like kind of a loser.” Her constant criticisms would result in Hitler and Goebbels not hanging out as much. As a result, Nazi propaganda would suffer. Tammy would also insist that they forgo his favorite watering holes and instead go to places she likes. The putsch would then happen at a tacky folk-music bar with her ex-boyfriend playing guitar. Most of Hitler’s friends wouldn’t have shown up, because they couldn’t stand the constant arguing. In the middle of their relationship, Tammy would tell Hitler she was going on a trip with some guy she worked with. With Hitler’s self-esteem in the gutter, he’d lack the support and influence necessary to invade Poland and start World War II. Eventually, he’d break up with Tammy and call Himmler, whom he’d blown off for two years.
The Titanic
Sharon would go into the captain’s quarters and refuse to leave. “I just want to talk,” she’d say, “I just want to talk.” He’d beg her to leave, but she would just keep telling the captain she loved him and wanted to talk. “I don’t want to talk,” he’d say, “I don’t want anything to do with you.” Sharon would tell him that’s not true and that she knew he loved her. She’d say she wouldn’t let him break up with her anyway. The captain would threaten to call the police. “Go ahead,” she’d say, “I’m not leaving.” Frustrated and desperate to get away from her, he’d flee his quarters and run on deck, where he’d spot the giant iceberg. “Goodness! Go a few degrees port-ish,” he’d tell the folks piloting the ship-averting potential disaster. Sharon would be unaware that she saved so many lives, as she would be busy trying to feed the captain’s cat a tomato-because she thinks cats can eat them. After finally exiting the captain’s quarters for good, she’d leave a long message on his voice mail telling him he was an ugly loser and everyone hated him. Then she’d make out with his first mate.
September 11
In the middle of planning a surprise attack on civilians, Osama bin Laden would be invited to meet Anna’s family in rural Pennsylvania over Christmas break. Osama would get along fine with the overbearing mom and timid dad until the mom went through his bags and found Anna’s marijuana and birth control pills. Having triggered the mother’s dormant psychosis, Anna would then be dragged upstairs for six hours of being called a whore. This would be discomforting to Osama, who would sit in the living room freaking out. When Mohammed Atta called to check in, Osama would be totally frazzled. “Hold off on the martyrdom ops, dude. I’m up to my ears in shit,” he’d say. Anna and Osama would decide to cut the trip short and leave the next day. The following morning, Osama would sit in the freezing car for another three hours while the mom wrapped up calling her daughter a whore and drug addict. While her dad remained in the house peering from behind the curtains, Anna’s mom would come out to curse at Osama for ruining their daughter’s “white wedding.” Osama would be forced to spend the next year dealing with Anna’s being disowned. While tending to her subsequent nervous breakdown, he’d neglect his evil endeavor, which would give a vigilant INS the chance to notice that several pilots-in-training had no interest in flaps or landing gear.
Cuban Missile Crisis
Maggie would regularly call Castro “Mr. Poops,” which he’d find endearing but, at the same time, childish. Though she’s an extremely beautiful and sweet girl, Castro would have a hard time finding her sexy, because of the childlike demeanor. Every time he said, “So …,” she’d finish with “… buttons on your fanny.” Again, something he’d find cute but weird. Castro would find it very hard to stay threatening on the phone with Kennedy, because she would make puckered-up fish faces as he talked. She would only communicate with him in babyspeak, which he would accidentally carry over into his conversations with the Soviets. After hearing Castro say, “Toodles, my noodle,” Khrushchev would call a little powwow at the Kremlin. The Politburo would decide that Mr. Poops wasn’t the best person to mind their nuclear weapons. There would be no missile crisis. A few weeks later, Castro would call the relationship quits when he hears Maggie pee.
Waco
Kelly would keep trying to get David Koresh to have sex in the shower. “C’mon, baby doll,” she’d say in a Southern twang. “C’mon, baby doll.” He would be very concerned about the FBI/ATF forces amassed outside his compound, but she would only talk about sex. She’d tell him to try some ecstasy because the sex would be great when on ecstasy. About 12 minutes later he’d realize he was chemically impotent, but that would be OK with him. He’d just smile. “What’s the matter, baby doll,” she’d ask. “You gay, baby doll?” He’d take deep breaths and sink into the bed as his pupils dilated to maximum. Having discovered the remarkable texture of Kelly’s fake breasts, he’d start rubbing them lovingly and telling her how fantastic they were. The warmth of her skin would resonate as awesome ATF agents beautifully entered his wonderful bedroom and fired two gorgeous rounds into his eye.
Originally appeared on McSweeney’s.
Review: Tom Clancy’s Brunch Force Delta
It’s 2007. The All-You-Care-To-Eat Buffet at Shoney’s is overrun by a rogue band of rebels from the International House of Terrorists. With two dozen lukewarm sausages, half a tray of scrambled eggs and an unknown number of serving tongs now under their control, America is on its knees. It soon becomes obvious that the only option is to call in the elite commando force that has kept the late-morning/early-afternoon dining crowd safe since the end of the Cold War: Brunch Force Delta.
Such is the storyline that leads us into the latest Tom Clancy adventure, another first-person shooter whose older siblings from Clancy’s Rainbow Six franchise are among the most popular gaming console titles to date.
Gamers familiar with Rainbow Six will already find themselves at home with Brunch Force Delta‘s look, structure and set-up. As Mike Butterworth, you’ll head the team that will face the terrorists head-on, to take brunch out of the hands of thugs and return it to America. The campaign progresses through a series of challenges as you tackle baddies, rescue bacon and stealthily turn off the heating elements under the serving trays.
Graphically the game is astounding. Carved watermelons shatter under gunfire, the Eggs Benedict have just the right amount of Hollandaise, and the concussion from a fragmentation grenade can send thermal coffee pots sailing across the room – leaving you to decide which is regular and which is decaf.
As you progress through the game, the stakes get higher and the gameplay gets even harder. One of the most nerve-wracking missions for me was “In Hot Water” a scenario where you have only three minutes to take out the bad guys and prevent an egg from being over-poached. In “Meltdown” you must run a gauntlet of gunfire to re-stock the juice bar with ice chips, lest the fresh-squeezed OJ be rendered warm.
Brunch Force Delta is not without its faults however. The enemy AI all too often acts irresponsibly: when not dropping grenades on themselves, they’re charging your machine gun emplacements armed only with spatulas. Their only catchphrase, “American, I burn you like toast” gets repetitive and tiresome.
Also, the instruction manual is written in broken English and never does explain why pressing the left thumbstick triggers Whooping Cough.
Overall though, Brunch Force Delta is a must-have game for your console. It offers a unique glimpse into the post-9/11 world of international terrorism and weekend dining. Ubisoft has already announced additional expansion packs that include bigger menus and morbidly obese patrons who blame an overactive thyroid.
Title: Brunch Force Delta
Developer: Ubisoft
Release: Q3 2004
What’s Your Problem?
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Your problem
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Your Diagnosis
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Your Cure
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|---|---|---|
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Left your keys in the door all night.
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Memory Failure Disorder; Post Bud-Binge Dementia
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Donepezil 30mg
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Avoiding the doorman because he starts awkward conversations to fill the silence.
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Shyness Affected Disorder; Pre-Lobby Anxiety
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Buspar 10mg
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Gigantic ass from all those Frappucinos.
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Venti-Size Posterior Syndrome; Portion Control Dysfunction
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Xenical 120mg
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Out "with the boys" again because apparently women do not find cigar smoke sexy.
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Nicotine-related Female Displacement Disorder
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Zyban 150mg
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Not the slightest bit attracted to Paris Hilton, and amazed that fantastic wealth can produce a truck-stop whore.
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Harlot-Aversion Syndrome; Performance Anxiety
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Viagra 100mg
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Don’t feel like going out tonight because you’re broke, plus "Timeline" is on Pay-Per-View and you like stuff with knights in it.
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Agoraphobia; Social Anxiety
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Alprazolam 1mg
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Boss is as stupid as the mud at the bottom of Lake Moron.
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Employment-related Hypertension
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Norvasc 10mg
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Don’t feel like going to bed right now, damn it.
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Sleep Disorder; Nocturnal Dysfunction
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Ambien 10mg
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Six black guys dressed like 50 Cent are looking at you and not smiling.
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Urban Anxiety Disorder; Gangtsa-Related Dress Anxiety
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Lorazepam 1mg
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Neck hurts because you tried to impress people with the "Ninja Roll" you half-learned eight years ago.
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Martial Arts-related Training Dysfunction
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Tramadol 50mg
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Totally lost your cool because "Collateral" was sold out.
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Hypertension; General Cinema Anxiety
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Sertraline 50mg
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Finished a bottle of whiskey and smoked a pack of cigarettes last night.
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Post-Party Depression; Alcoholism
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Relpax 40mg
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Jaw hurts from chewing gum and making those snapping noises that annoy everyone in your proximity.
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Wrigley-Affected Dysfunction
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Celebrex 100mg
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Prefer to read The History of Pirates than sex-up your very pregnant wife.
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Third Party Presence Anxiety; Pre-Natal Performance Disorder
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Cialis 20mg
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Still blaming 9/11 for your vague sense of unease, even though you only watched it on TV.
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Non-Traumatic Stress Disorder
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Paxil 20mg
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Can’t get the coffee stains out of the mug, no matter how hard you try.
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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; Caffeine Addiction
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Zoloft 50mg
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| Wife talking about her upcoming birthday as you decide to check your emails and stub your toe. |
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
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Concerta 27mg
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| Your improvisational troupe is not funny. | Comic Ability Delusion Disorder | Prozac 20mg |
The Restaurant Inspector’s Nightmare
APPETIZER
OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL
Six Bluepoints from an unapproved source with cocktail sauce and our signature miso vinaigrette.
ASSIETTE DE FROMAGES
Plate of assorted cheeses assembled by Javy, who doesn’t wash his hands.
JUMBO LUMP CRAB MEAT SALAD
Improperly-thawed Alaskan crabmeat on a bed of frisee.
VEGGIE’S DELIGHT
An assortment of seasonal unwashed vegetables.
CURRY CHICKEN SALAD
Chunks of white chicken meat in a curry sauce with raisins and toasted almonds, served from a bin without a thermometer in it.
FRENCH ONION SOUP
Stirred with a ladle that hangs next to a refuse container, topped with crouton and Gruyere cheese.
TUNA TARTARE
Sashimi quality Yellowfin stored at temperatures greater than 38 degrees and served with a ginger-wasabi sauce.
ENTREES
All entrees are served with an assortment of mouse-nibbled breads and our famous recycled olive spread.
FILET MIGNON
8 oz. of grain-fed Filet cooked to order, accidentally dropped on the floor and served with caramelized shallots and a Bordeaux reduction.
VEAL MEATLOAF
Yesterday’s veal meatloaf, left out too long on an unauthorized surface. With garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.
MISO-GLAZED SEA BASS
Marinated overnight next to cleaning supplies found in the walk-in cooler.
STEAMED RED SNAPPER
Prepared with artichokes and a mushroom medley, near evidence of flying insects.
ORGANIC CHICKEN BREAST
Free-range chicken breast cooked before being properly thawed. Served with broccoli rabe and rice pilaf.
PORK LOIN
Lightly smoked and not cooked to required minimum temperature.
VEGETARIAN QUICHE
With assorted vegetables of the season and Gruyere cheese, cut with a knife Javy keeps dropping on the floor.
DESSERTS
OLD COUNTRY APPLE PIE
An assortment of baked Washington State apples, cooled uncovered in close proximity to a sewage pipe in the basement.
SUPER FUDGE BROWNIE
A chocolate lover’s fantasy, topped with expired whipped cream.
ICE CREAM MEDLEY
Assorted house-made ice creams not authorized on our Food Service Establishment permit.
BEVERAGES
We offer a wide assortment of alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages, all served in glasses that were not washed at the 170 degree minimum final rinse temperature.
Smoking is allowed when the authorities aren’t looking.
Why I Am Leaving The Troupe
Dear Tim,
When I first came on board Hilarity Ensues, I was thrilled. I thought being in Oswego’s only improvisational comedy troupe was the beginning of what I intend to be a long and successful acting career. I also thought the fact that Jesus was in the troupe was a bonus.
It’s been well over a year now, and I’m sure you realize things have not been so good. The enthusiasm that I originally came with has waned considerably, almost completely, and the troupe’s morale in general is at an all-time low. I feel I should elaborate on why.
From the very beginning it was obvious to me that Jesus was not a team player. In my very first performance, Mike and I were doing a scene where a watermelon farmer is returning an eggbeater to a department store. We had the audience in stitches. We owned them. Then Jesus walks offstage to an older woman and heals her ear. We totally lost the crowd after that.
That was my first inkling that Jesus was the kind of improviser that had His own agenda, other players be damned. Usually, with a player like that, you hope that the director reins Him in during the after-show notes. You never did. In fact, that very same night, I recall you defending Him as “the King of Kings,” even though I have more experience, having completed Level 3 classes at Upright Citizens Brigade in New York.
And so we plodded on. Every show was more of the spotlight-stealing same. If Jesus wasn’t inviting the whole audience to the Kingdom of Heaven, He was blessing them, guiding them, or turning pitchers of water into wine-which annoyed the waitresses to no end.
He was even nice to hecklers, which I think encouraged them even more.
Most of us in the group hoped in vain that you would see the light and ask Jesus to tone it down. Every single time, we were rebuffed. It was “Son of God” this or “Messiah” that. In your eyes, He could do no wrong. I know He fixed your uncle’s knee, but separation of personal and professional feelings is paramount here. Hilarity Ensues was supposed to be about the comedy, yet we were dealt one blow after another. Even though He killed nearly every scene, He was “the Savior” in your eyes. And to add insult to injury, you gave Jesus a bio that took up most of the playbill. I was limited to a headshot and a line mentioning my history degree.
I know you consider a packed house to be the hallmark of success, but the people weren’t there for Hilarity Ensues, or for improv comedy at all. They were there for Jesus. Perhaps from a business standpoint it was great-a full house at $10 a pop was not a shabby deal at all-but from a performer’s standpoint it was a disaster.
Did they ever appreciate my adherence to the Tao of Del Close? No. Were they impressed with my lightning wit? No. My repertoire of differently wigged characters? No. They were there to be healed or saved or to personally request that their favorite team win the Super Bowl. I’ll never forget doing my awesome Greek fisherman character with the funny hat and not getting a single laugh because He couldn’t stop ascending in the background.
Improv is a team effort, Tim. When you get a group of talented folks together and put them on stage, you have an amazing, magical experience. But if one of those people is Jesus, I’m sorry to say, all bets are off. Frankly, I think Jesus was the Yoko Ono of Hilarity Ensues, and you were the Lennon.
At this point, I think it’s best that I part ways. I’m certain Oswego is big enough to support two improvisational-comedy troupes, so I’m starting up New and Improv-ed. There are no hard feelings. I hope you’ll come see us.
Sincerely,
Luke
—
Premiered on McSweeney’s, 7/29/04.
Field Guide To Online Dating Profile Photography
Mark Harris, comedian and AirTran baggage handler, is a self-described Japabilly – the end result of sexual congress between a tiny Okinawan lady and an Ozark Mountain ex-Marine Corps hillbilly. Here, Mark offers photographic representation of the various photos one will find on online dating services.
THE FAUX-CANDID (FC) has a profile that contains phrases like “first time for me” and “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” They would like you to believe that they were unaware that their profile photo was being taken, and that this is how they look when not really posing. They are in denial and consider themselves “above” the online scene, while at the same time logging in every twelve minutes to see if someone likes them. Faux-Candids are tiresome braggarts, and if they’ve ever been to Bobby DeNiro’s annual pig roast the entire room is sure to hear about it.
THE PRIZE likes to employ a photograph that contains someone else of the opposite sex. This is done to provide visual proof that they are neither sad nor lonely since at least once in their lives they had someone willing to stand in close proximity to them. A man will always use the picture of the hottest woman he has ever stood next to; the less attractive that person was, the more their photo will have been cut or modified.
THE FRIENDSTER exhibits similar qualities as THE PRIZE, as he wants you to know that he has been in the company of others and they did not run away. The Friendster wants you to know that there’s a party, and you’re invited to come join it. The Friendster has a familiarity with the whorehouses of Costa Rica.
THE MUGSHOT, not ironically, indicates unimaginative, brain-dead potential criminals. Mugshotters have defecated in public and killed squirrels. The Mugshotter thinks Kafka is what you do if you have a chest cold. A date with a mugshotter involves coupons, and the evening often ends with a request for a blowjob no matter how the date went.
THE LONG-DISTANCE LOVER (LDL) is painfully insecure about his or her looks and generally avoids a photograph that would reveal body flaws, be they perceived or real. This is a good indication that the person in the photograph is tremendously weak and will exhibit qualities that will scare you away after the first or second date. These annoyances include calling several times but not leaving a message (despite Caller ID) and sulking if you look at someone else during dinner.
THE SELF-SHOOTER is one of the sadder profile photos, as it means the person has no decent existing pictures, or any friends to take a new one. The Self-Shooter is bi-curious, only because it increases the odds of someone touching him.
THE WEBCAMMER is frightening, because his technology is dated, which suggests he is backwards intellectually, financially or both. The Webcammer just recently heard that Barracuda jackets were in. If anyone you meet online is going to be the type to masturbate in a public library, it’s the Webcammer.
THE EXTREME CLOSE-UP (XCU) is employed generally to disguise morbid obesity, called “voluptuous” in today’s internet dating-speak. They would like you to love them for who they are on the inside, rather than their inability to mount a doorstep without breaking into a sweat on the outside. Most folks see through the XCU, and those who employ it in their profile photo traditionally die alone. Two other approaches yield much better results: honesty and smaller portions.
The Mayor Introduces Operation Sh
From: Mayor Bloomberg
To: New York
Re: Operation Sh
As you know, our city enjoys one of the lowest crime rates for a city of its size. For that, we owe our fine police department our great thanks – with the exception of the one guy who sodomizes perps with plungers. He’s a bad apple, for certain, but the rest of them: Heroes.
The efforts of the NYPD have led to a low number of per-capita homicides, ass-kickings, stabbings and other violent acts. The fact that these serious crimes are not being perpetrated means our citizens, residents of the greatest city in the world, live free from fear. Free to direct their attention to other threats. Like loud conversations.
When I established the 311 hotline – which I introduced with little-to-no fanfare and barely took credit for – I expected it to provide the city government with a big picture of what concerns New Yorkers had. And that it has done.
I expected the #1 complaint to be garbage, dog-poop, or menus left in foyers by hard-working-but-illegal Asian and Latin men.
I was wrong.
The people have spoken. Unanimously. Softly.
What you have all been most vocal about, quite ironically, is noise.
When one lives in a city of ten million, one expects, and deserves, perfect silence. I understand. That is why I am directing all police departments to concentrate their police-type skills to the prevention and prosecution of auditory offenses.
I’m calling it Operation Sh.
Operation Sh will get noise off the streets once and for all, that we may go about our lives in peace and tranquility. Remember how quiet New York was during the blackout? That’s what we want. But with lights.
No longer will you wince when you hear a mega-decibel, bladder-shattering fire engine air-horn. I’ve instructed our Heroes to whistle. From this point onward, a soft whistle means a fire engine is crossing the intersection. In some cases, it could mean a Hero likes your breasts, but always look both ways just to be safe.
Certainly, some motorcyclists will be upset. For decades they’ve enjoyed the thrill of waking thousands from sleep as they opened the throttle on their expensive surrogate penises. But no more. “Loud Pipes Save Lives” may be their motto, but “Please Shut Up” is ours. And we have the law on our side.
How many times has an approaching homeless man’s slurred pitch for cash been drowned out by the repetitive, evil twinkle emanating from the Mister Softee truck? Too many, I’m sure. From now on, Mister Softee can deliver his jingle in print format only. Now, you’ll be able to hear the drunk guy’s request for a quarter. And when you rebuff him, you’ll clearly hear the “God Bless You” that’s really a “Fuck You” in disguise.
Bear in mind, Operation Sh is equal opportunity. Loud is loud, and whether it’s Eminem, Jay-Z, or Mahler, you need to keep your bass under wraps.
From dogs barking to militant union construction guys to inconsiderate babies, Operation Sh is going to tackle the biggest problem facing New Yorkers today. What Rudy Giuliani was to porn and Al Sharpton, I have been to tobacco, and I will be to sound.
In the immediate future you will see numerous uniformed officers on the streets. You may see them standing outside your local pub, straining to hear the jukebox. They may have their ears pressed to buildings to lock in on an overzealous Bichon Frise. Perhaps they’ll be cupping their hand to their ears, auditing air conditioners, or shushing you during heated arguments. Whatever they’re doing, know that they’re contributing to what will be the most successful shushing in New York’s history.
We’ll be spending a lot of energy and money on Operation Sh. It’s a noisy city, and our police forces are willing to work overtime to do what it takes. I hope you’ll join us and be one of the millions of New Yorkers who’ve thrown open their windows to announce to the world that they’ve had enough. If you do that, please keep it down.
One day, if you’re still here, we’ll be proud to be residents of the greatest, most smoke-free, most tranquil city in the world. The city that never shrieks.
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