Satire

The Fund For Ribbons

Posted on September 29, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* Satire

The statistics are gut-wrenching.
Every twelve minutes, another cause suffers from lack of a ribbon.
Many of us take ribbons for granted. When cars pass us on the highway with 2, 3, even 8 ribbons it’s easy for us to think that every cause has a ribbon.
Unfortunately, that’s far from the truth.
No doubt you’ve seen breast cancer ribbons, patriotic ribbons, autism ribbons, lupus ribbons and dyslexia ribobns [sic].
Amazingly, they’re only the tip of the iceberg. The sad fact is there are hundreds and hundreds of causes that end each day completely ribbonless.
Even in America.

I know it’s hard to believe, but even in the land of plenty, unwed mothers lack a ribbon. Cross-eyed bandits. Sephardic pimps. Churro Awareness. The list goes on and on.
That’s why I’m asking you for your help.
I’m counting on you to make a small financial sacrifice. Your much needed funds will help us identify new causes.
Like Chicken Envy.
And your funds will then help us assign those causes new ribbons. Unique ribbons. Ribbons that say we care.
I’m thinking yellow and white – for the chicken part – with a frilly green edge to symbolize envy.
See? We can make a difference. That difference starts with you. Don’t be discouraged by the seemingly overwhelming task ahead of us. Though there are countless un-ribboned causes – like Fat Acceptance and Dandruff Pride – we can come up with ribbons for all of them. But we need you to help.
Your contribution will help buy hundreds of shades of blue or green or yellow, not to mention low-cost icons, clip art, squiggles – whatever it takes to get the message out and stuck on the back of a car. Once we do that, we’re halfway to a cure. Unless it’s not a disease, in which case we’re halfway to acceptance or awareness, depending.
But one thing is certain: Without your help, we can not cover this great country in ribbons. While god, guns and guts made this country great, ribbons help keep it together. Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons. And rubber bracelets.
The Fund for Ribbons needs your support. And ironically, we need a ribbon ourselves.
Sincerely,
Jan-Michael Vincent & Tone-Loc

Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce

Posted on September 12, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

Ranting, raving and dramatic arm gestures about the health and ethical implications of meat-eating are merely window-dressing in the great struggle that is National Vegetarianism. But we fight the battle against carnivorism knowing that inside every true-hearted veggie is an herbifascist waiting for a great leader to guide, inspire, and cover their main courses with sauce and honor.
That’s why there’s Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce.
Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce will ignite the fires of herbifascism in every vegetarian – and anyone else willing to go along for the ride. The good, meat-shunning folk of the land, having endured embarrassment by the antics of PETA and countless jokes about being pasty-faced, will be at once inspired to rise up. The vegetarian peoples will become a force to be reckoned with for the next thousand years, give or take a few.
Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce signals the end of diplomacy and the beginning of a delicious, meat-free offensive. Its genetically perfect, nuanced flavors will take your taste-buds by surprise in a blitz of soy and sesame goodness.
All will look on in awe as you conquer their palates with the message of National Vegetarianism and a delightful blend of malt flour, wheat and salt. The world will be your oyster – which you will immediately put back into its oyster place that it may live out its life fully.
Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce is the One Sauce for your barbecue. Any other sauce is inferior and should be subjugated.
The spices, peanut powder and coconut powder in every can of Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce create a flavor sensation that is truly mesmerizing. So much so, that I was just following my tastebuds is a viable excuse for anything you might do under its scrumptious influence.
Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce can dominate both eastern and western dishes. Preferably not at the same time, as it historically difficult to maintain a two-front tastekrieg.
Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce is the final solution for your dinner plans. Retail: $1.85.
Available at select, culturally clueless Asian supermarkets.

Bourne Prophecies

Posted on September 2, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* Satire

THE BOURNE DISCREPANCY
After discovering a bar tab with a martini he never ordered, Jason Bourne must track down the waiter and have his check re-issued. But first, he must try to find out why the Maitre d’ wants him dead.
THE BOURNE DISPARITY
After enemy operatives destroy his favorite John Mayer poster, a revenge-minded Jason Bourne wipes out the Bulgarian secret police and bitch-slaps an aspiring model.
THE BOURNE ASCENDANCY
When Jesus prods Jason Bourne with a magic thistle, the super-agent finds himself next in line for the Papacy. But he quickly learns he’s in danger when his Communion Wafer turns out to be a poisoned Dorito.
THE BOURNE MONOTONY
After infiltrating NASCAR, Jason Bourne takes the wheel of the Home Depot car and drives in a circle for two hours, twenty minutes.
THE BOURNE FRUGALITY
Though unable to save his new girlfriend from an assassin’s bullet, Jason Bourne can save $4.80 – but only if he gets to Walgreen’s before his coupons expire.
THE BOURNE JUDICIARY
When Jason Bourne finds himself nominated to the Supreme Court he must try to discover what his past court opinions were and why Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is trying to kill him.
THE BOURNE REDUNDANCY
When Jason Bourne is laid off by the CIA he’s soon employed by another shadowy government agency – and finds himself tasked with killing the recently laid off Jason Bourne.
THE BOURNE TAPESTRY
After knitting a marvelous Afghan, Jason Bourne is faced with entry into the International Guild of Yarn Artisans or destroying a global narcotics network.
THE BOURNE LIABILITY
After renting a car and declining the Collision Damage Waiver, Jason Bourne must drive very, very carefully through Malta when pursued by masked gunmen who want him dead.

The New York Regrettable Film Festival

Posted on August 8, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* Satire

SOMETHING TO TELL YOU (14 min)
An older woman enters a poorly lit apartment and trades lines with a younger woman who is inaudible.
THE KENYAN STORYTELLER (33 min)
In what is supposed to be Africa but is in fact Central Park in Autumn, a black woman in tiger makeup dances around for half an hour.
DEMONS AMONG US (49 min)
A drama seems to unfold as every single Final Cut Pro effect is used.
I AM SUCCESS FORCE! (55 min)
Japanese comedy ensues as Myoko delivers her grandmother’s famous dumplings to the wrong house, or something like that.
HIDE AND SEEK (31 min)
A young girl sits behind a rack of clothes while her mother goes in and out of focus.
HOMECOMING (67 min)
A young man returns to the scene of his sister’s murder, only to realize the writer didn’t really figure out where this was all going.
HIDDEN SECRETS (73 min)
An effeminate Marine enters the scene out of nowhere and arrests a terrorist with a water pistol.
THE HEART’S LAMENT (43 min)
Set in New York at the turn of the century, two women discuss life and love while the A/C turns on and off in the background.
ALL FOR EILEEN (38 min)
A love-struck attorney struggles to remember his lines.
DO US PART (40 min)
A man’s marriage collapses amidst camera hum and an intruding microphone.
DECEMBER’S FOLLY (89 min)
An overweight actor/director inserts a love scene so he can kiss an aspiring actress.
THE CONDEMNED (28 min)
A convict on death row reflects on his last hours from what appears to be a Lower East Side bathroom.

My Mayor Makes The City Safe

Posted on August 5, 2005 by Brian Sack In The News New York Satire

Car Bomber lanes will be established on the Holland Tunnel. Anyone driving to the city in the Car Bomber lane will be subject to search – unless they refuse – in which case they’ll be sent back to New Jersey.
A newly established Best Friend Force will get to know everyone in the city and see what they’re up to.
Cabbies will report any suspicious passengers, unless they’re Pakistani, because we can’t expect cabbies to report their own countrymen.
To smoke out the baddies, fresh-faced young men and women holding clipboards will stand on sidewalks all over the city, asking everyone if they have a moment for jihad.
Anyone purchasing a bag from Manhattan Portage will be subjected to four powerful questions created by Scientologists to determine if they fit the profile. If they do, their warranty will not be honored.
Leaflets that say We know what you’re doing will be distributed to everyone on the subway in the hopes of totally freaking someone out.
All MetroCards will feature legalese on the back stating that anyone using the card for evil will be subject to prosecution.
People will be randomly asked to swear on the Bible that they’re chill.
Train service will be made even more unreliable in order to throw martyrdom operations off by several minutes.
Mini-bottles of Ketel One will be offered to random passengers. Anyone who turns one down is either a recovering alcoholic – or more likely – one of those non-drinking Islam people.
Cops on overtime will rally subway crowds by shouting Whadda we want?…When do we want it? – and if anyone answers Jihad…Now! they’re in big trouble.

Future Mission Scrubs

Posted on July 25, 2005 by Brian Sack In The News Satire

STS-115
Mission Commander suggests that the peas in a tube “smell nasty.”
STS-116
Self-Destruct light won’t shut off.
STS-117
Pre-empted by rumors of Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce.
STS-118
Suspicious “Middle Eastern” man reported in viewing area; turns out to be Mexican space enthusiast.
STS-119
Payload Specialist can’t remember if he packed the “science bees.”
STS-120
Pilot insists Mission Control sounds “sad” and won’t leave until he knows what’s wrong.
STS-121
Ground crewman thinks he left his car keys on launch pad.
STS-122
Someone suggests Nostradamus’s “Fire in the ships to the West ruin” must somehow mean STS-122.
STS-123
Gull droppings in employee parking lot.
STS-124
Proceeds from NASA bake sale leave budget half a billion short.
STS-125
First paying passenger John Travolta won’t stop screaming “We’re gonna see Xenu!”
STS-126
Payload Specialist’s humming mistaken for hydraulic leak.
STS-127
Crew hasn’t picked out a theme song yet.
STS-128
By the time the two-minute national moment of silence for Paris Hilton is over, clouds are everywhere.
STS-129
Mission Specialist still waiting at Barnes & Noble for midnight release of Harry Potter and the Fires of Puberty.
STS-130
Reports of excited geese.
STS-131
Window of opportunity missed while waiting for inspirational phone call from President Diddy.

Welcome to the MTA Subway Store!

Posted on July 22, 2005 by Brian Sack In The News New York Satire

Introducing the Orwell XL Transparent Backpack, for New York’s busy subway commuters.
The Orwell XL Transparent Backpack is the latest rage in the Knee-Jerk Reaction(tm) series of subway gear, trading over-rated privacy concerns for an empowering sense of security.
Not only will the Orwell XL vaguely ease the conscience of your fellow passengers, it helps make the NYPD’s Herculean task of scrutinizing millions of passengers slightly less improbable, thus improving our freedom.
Best of all, the Orwell XL helps eliminate all the time-consuming hassles of random, politically-correct police searches. Whether you’re a Muslim male between the ages of 18-34 or a hot blonde in a white dress, the Orwell XL Transparent Backpack suits anyone falling under a blanket policy of suspicion. That would be you.
The Orwell XL Transparent Backpack is available in one color: Very Clear. Its roomy interior offers plenty of space for your stuff, and there’s even a special pocket for your future National Biometric ID Radio Frequency GPS MetroCard.
Going to the gym? A Goth? Look for our transparent duffel bags and trench coats, coming very soon.

MacGuffin’s Crime Prevention Tips

Posted on June 30, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

Stay indoors as often as possible, but not with your step-dad. Most indoor crimes involve your step-dad.
Most criminals have what seasoned detectives call “crime face.” If you see someone with crime face, avoid them. But make sure it’s not just acne or you might hurt their feelings.
Get out of town during Crime Week.
Learn to identify potential trouble using the Ascertain Evaluate Determine Panic Hyper-Ventilate Run system (AEDPHVR).
If your nickname is Gotta-Lotta Moneypants, ask your friends not to call you that in front of Italian social halls.
If you think you’re being followed, walk off the beaten path and see if they do the same.
Undermine the self-esteem of criminals with your “Crime Is For Losers” bumper sticker.

If you’re being assailed, ask the assailant what Jesus would do. If the assailant is a preacher, he’ll smile knowingly and stop assailing you.
Never show off your cash money. Keep it hidden with your drugs.
Avoid attracting attention at the ATM by removing your neon jumpsuit and shushing your kazooist.
Don’t tempt criminals by leaving valuables in a parked car. Cover them with children or dogs.
De-escalate tense situations by suggesting you have a common fear of Carrot Top.
Express your position on crime with a “Please Don’t Crime Me” t-shirt.
Make every experience a learning opportunity. Think I should have taken a taxi at this hour instead of I’m being ambushed with baseball bats.
Consider sending a more positive message by covering the “T” in your Thug Life tattoo.
Keep in mind that nothing good can come from “I’m not going to hurt you” if he’s blaring the TV and rummaging through the knife drawer.
Criminals aren’t smart. Confound them with complex sentence structure and double negatives. You shouldn’t not leave me be! can buy valuable time.
Turn your life into a reality show so you have a ton of witnesses.
If something called Crimicide ever goes on the market, get it. It probably eliminates crime.

Tom Cruise for the Xbox

Posted on June 27, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* Games Satire

AOL Chat With Stevie Wonder

Posted on June 10, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

MODERATOR: We’ll begin. All questions and responses are moderated, mind you! First question is from RuggaTug22.
RuggaTug22: OMG!
MODERATOR: Go ahead RugaTug22.
RugaTug22: First of all, let me just say that I am honored to chat with you! Your music has been so inspirational and a major part of my
STEVIE: dwf
RugaTug22: life for as long
STEVIE: weq23
RugaTug22: as I can remember. In fact, when I married my
STEVIE: awdfk sc dsadd
RugaTug22: wife
STEVIE: ZXqasd=oge\]p
STEVIE: x
RugaTug22: Uh??????
MODERATOR: Go ahead RugaTug22.
RugaTug22: When I married my wife, the song we chose to start the reception
STEVIE: krgqe
STEVIE: f
STEVIE: ;’
RugaTug22: ?????????????????????
MODERATOR: Hold on RugaTug22.
RugaTug22: What’s the deal?
MODERATOR: Hold on.
STEVIE: c, .v
MODERATOR: Hold on…
RugaTug22: ?
MODERATOR: I’m sending him an IM, hold on.
STEVIE: ,mm=
STEVIE:
STEVIE:
STEVIE has left the chat.
MODERATOR: We have Kevin Federline next week.
***THIS CHAT HAS BEEN TERMINATED BY THE MODERATOR***

Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

Posted on June 8, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* In The News Satire

Dear Captain:
I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:
Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.
If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That’s because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you’re from Kentucky.
Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa’s face.
Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.
Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money – very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).
In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like “Look! A monkey!” and laugh. They wouldn’t know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn’t be in uniform.
Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild – double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.
In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we’ll get another monkey.
During the down time when there is no crime, you probably know that a lot of our men get bored. With a SWAT Monkey we would never get bored because we could have a lot of fun with him (dress-ups, parades, gun range, etc.)
Monkeys are like 2-year old children, so the guys who have families won’t miss their kids as much. This will improve morale. On the downside, he can break our radios and cling to the ceiling fan.
Any time we see a criminal we’ll tell them to look at the monkey. Sustained eye contact enrages a monkey. An enraged monkey is a worthy adversary.
A SWAT Monkey is a powerful psychological tool. Imagine you are a criminal hiding in a closet and you hear “Release the monkey!” You would shudder.
Monkeys, I believe, have skills at opening coconuts. This is not a tactical advantage of course, but it could be useful in tropical dilemmas.
As the first SWAT team to have a monkey, we’ll have a promotional advantage for our t-shirts. One good example is SWAT: Driving bad guys bananas.
A SWAT Monkey will attract children to our cake sale. That means we sell more cake.
Captain, I hope you will consider what an asset a monkey can be to the Mesa SWAT team. I can think of plenty more reasons if you’d like, but right now I’m being summoned to a hostage crisis.
Monkey-less, I might add.
Sincerely,
Sgt. Liss
Based on a true story.

Shakespeare Decides To Iron His Pants

Posted on June 6, 2005 by Brian Sack Monologues Satire

[Enter SHAKESPEARE]
Alas! My pants are well burdened by wrinkles, as the conscience of a king is burdened by the weighty actions he hath made upon the throne. A bachelor shall I remain, and to the grave go I alone, should not from my pants these wrinkles out.
Cupid would be loath to waste an arrow on my behalf, should he bear witness to these wrinkles in my pants. There is but one remedy, to iron, and in so doing to have wrinkles no more. Only then, pants unwrinkled, should I be deserving of goodly company and pleasurable consort.
For no woman, neither milk maid nor royal, would take into her sight even the most handsome of men, should his pants be wrinkled. No skill at wit nor craft at jest could strong enough be to overcome the outrageous provocation of pants unsmoothed.
How comes this trick upon me? Shall I not die in sorrows, the sufferings reserved for men of wrinkled pants? No! I shall rise against such tyranny! Fortune hath placed an iron in my closet which please me more than words can wield the matter. Why, soon, shall these wrinkles out.
[Exit]

The Ultimate Wealth-Building Pitch Letter

Posted on June 1, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

Dear Friend,
For some people “a day at the office” involves getting up when they want, keeping their pajamas on, brewing some coffee… and making money. Lots and lots of money.
No commute. No boss. No suit.
How is it some folks slave away daily and live paycheck to paycheck while others bring in $30,000… $100,000… even $500,000 a week by working right from home?
Wouldn’t you like to be one of those people?
Of course you would. Be your own boss. Call your own shots. Use Prada socks like napkins. Live the life most folks only dream of.
Imagine living that life. And imagine it was truly simple to do it.
Let me guess… My pitch sounds a little too familiar. You’re wondering if I’ve mastered the stock market. Perhaps I’m selling a multi-level marketing scheme. Or maybe I advocate buying huge quantities of gold?
No, no and no.
My method of wealth-building is unique and ingenious.
What is it?, you’re asking. Why is my career booming while you work yourself ragged from 9-to-5?
The answer: I have laser beam eyes.
It’s a fact. Light builds up in my optical nerves and exits in a highly-concentrated stream via my pupils, which have 900X magnifying corneas. I can look through a quarter inch of steel in eight seconds.
I can down a blimp, and that’s a great feeling of power.
But it’s not about raw power – the power to vaporize puppies. It’s about applying that power to one of the greatest wealth-building strategies of all time.
I share my secrets with you in Pathways To Wealth For People With Laser Beam Eyes.
Do you have any idea what people will pay you to not look at their grandma? Do you know how much money there is to be made in threatening a glance at banks or federal office buildings? Do you know what a mother will pay to keep your eyes from melting her child?
I do. And you will too.
Make money by not showing up to sporting events or yacht races. Just mention you’re in the mood to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art – and you’ll find your children’s tuition is paid for. Fly First Class anywhere in the world totally free as long as you promise to keep your complimentary sleeping blindfold on the whole time.
You can even demand that Melrose Place actress Lisa Rinna make pasta for you. Every day. Wearing only boxing gloves and a swastika.
I did. It’s really that easy. When you have high-powered lasers for eyes the world is your oyster.
The life you want is right there. It’s waiting for you. It can be yours with a little know-how. You don’t even need a college degree. All you need is to trust my wealth-building program – and a a small operation that results in you having a pair of laser beam eyes.
How does that look to you?
Send me $450 today for the introductory lesson. You’ll learn the basics of having laser beam eyes. Then, every month I’ll provide you with additional insight. That will go on for several months. I’ll bill you what I want to, whenever I feel like it.
Once you’ve graduated from my program and had the surgery, you’ll receive a Certificate of Accomplishment that lets the world know you’ve completed my course. And that you now have laser beam eyes.
Don’t look at it.
Now… for the skeptics. As amazing as this offer is, I know that some people out there – hopefully not you – will say “No.”
That’s okay. People make mistakes. Will Smith turned down The Matrix. Studios passed on the original Star Wars. Travolta made Battlefield Earth.
But if you think you’re that person, the person who is going to say “No” let me ask you this: Don’t you want to be rich? And if you don’t: Do you want me to come over and look at your mother?
I think you’ll agree that Pathways To Wealth For People With Laser Beam Eyes is as innovative and rewarding as it is mandatory. If not, you’ll be amazed to learn that vertebrae are like butter when introduced to my laser beam eyes.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Why Native American Pizza Franchises Fail

Posted on May 24, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

Hello, Three Running Horses Pizza.
Hi, I’d like to order a large buffaroni pie. Delivery.
What’s your address?
Village by the Running Stream near the Great Hill which Trickles into the Giant Lake.
Is that Sky-Tinted Water Lake or Shimmering-Like-Moonlight Lake?
Honestly I don’t know.
Is it sky-tinted or does it shimmer like moonlight?
Both, really, depending on the time of day.
Does your running stream narrow near the entrance to the giant lake?
I think so.
Is there a large falen maple tree near the Spring That Sighs?
I think so.
Large beaver dam near the Stream by the Field Where Garlic Grows Wild?
Bingo.
That sounds like Village by the Running Stream near the Great Hill which Narrows before it Trickles into the Giant Lake
Great.
Well the Village by the Running Stream near the Great Hill which Narrows before it Trickles into the Giant Lake is beyond our delivery area.
But I thought you delivered as far as the Village of the Large Canoes?
Are you talking about the Village of the Large Canoes by the Tall Marsh Reeds or the Village of the Large Canoes which Sits under the Hill of the Great Spirit.
Mmm… Great Spirit.
No, we don’t deliver there. Our delivery guys avoid going through Valley Where The Axe Throwers Live ever since Barry Slow Horse was killed by an axe.
Aww, man.
They’d have to cut through Village by the Forest which Whispers Gently which takes way too long.
But we’re below the Side of the Hill of the Great Spirit which Abuts the Gathering of Water Wherein the Salmon Do Convene. We are not really that close to the Village of the Large Canoes which Sits under the Hill of the Great Spirit.
Uh, ok. Let me ask my manager.
Ok.
Yeah, he says you need to call the Three Running Horses Pizza that’s closer to the Mountains that Hold Up the Sky. They deliver from Rock that Talks to Tumbling Waters Near the Crying Wolf.
Crap. I’ve been on the phone for 15 minutes.
Sorry.
I’m just going to have jerky.

Effects Of Toilet Water On The LG VX-7000 Cellular Phone

Posted on May 20, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* Fatherhood Dispatch Satire

Hypothesis:
An LG VX-7000 cellular phone dropped into a toilet by an overly-mobile 9-month old will probably not function well.
Explanation:
The prevailing theory among scientists in this field of study is that non-water resistant electronic devices are harmed by immersion in water – whether it be from a toilet bowl or the Hudson.
However, rather than pass a sweeping generalization over all non-water resistant devices, it has been decided that all such devices should be tested individually for the sake of full scientific understanding.
In this case, the LG VX-7000 cellular phone.
This is one in a string of tests of electronic devices conducted by 9-Month Old Scientist, coming right on the heels of the groundbreaking Effects Of A Hardwood Floor On The Logitech Harmony Remote Control, the notable Aerodynamic Properties Of Battery-Operated Devices and the memorable Potential Hazards Of Diaper Cream On Sony Portable CD Players.
Details:
The test was initiated by 9-Month Old Scientist while the Elder Scientist was fetching a bath towel. The decision to proceed came after 9-Month Old Scientist developed the ability to crawl into the bathroom while holding an LG VX-7000 cellular phone, stand with the assistance of a toilet, and deposit said phone into the toilet bowl.
A Ka-Plonk noise served as the indication that testing had commenced.
Upon hearing the testing commence, Elder Scientist attempted to conclude the test and determine the results as quickly as possible.
9-Month Old Scientist then began to study the physical properties of toilet water with his hands, an unrelated test.
Observations:
The LG VX-7000 cellular phone, when deposited in water, becomes wet.
Removal of the LG VX-7000 cellular phone from the bottom of a toilet bowl is a potentially unpleasant experience, as the size of the phone makes it liable to lodge tightly in the bottom of the bowl. This requires extended hands-in-toilet time which many consider objectionable.
Upon removal of the LG VX-7000 cellular phone, the phone’s lights flashed and the phone vibrated as if a call were incoming. There was no incoming call, and the phone did not cease vibrating as would be considered normal.
The phone powered down without use of the on/off button, again unusual.
When powered up again, the phone began to vibrate. Again, no incoming call, and the vibration would not stop.
It should be noted that the phone was not set to vibrate anyway.
Buttons on the phone did not seem to be responsive, and the on/off button did not produce the desired result. This required a new method of turning the phone on and off, which involved removing the battery entirely.
A decision was made by Elder Scientist to let the phone sit overnight in a temperature-controlled environment, such as the top of the air conditioner. This was done in the interest of removing additional water from the interior of the device. 9-Month Old Scientist was then bathed.
The following day, when 9-Month Old Scientist started work at 5:25am, Elder Scientist re-assembled the LG VX-7000 cellular phone and resumed the test.
It is believed that water has had a detrimental effect to the LCD screen, as it suffers from what can be called “LCD blotching.”
The screen which protects the LCD is now somewhat fogged, like the windows of a 1987 Chevrolet Cavalier.
The phone’s tendency to randomly power-down is troubling.
The camera seems to function normally until you attempt to take a picture. This results in a powering-down of the phone which is not normal, and does not produce a picture.
The voicemail function works and will allow you to leave a message telling people not to call your toilet phone for the time being.
The speaker works when the phone is on – which is sometimes, as it powers down at random.
The Number 7 key is now Speed Dial.
The Number 8 key produces no number 8.
Conclusion:
The LG VX-7000 has a low tolerance for toilet water, and is not a suitable toy for 9-Month Old Scientists.

Please Come To Cannibal Island

Posted on May 16, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

cannibal island.png

Dear Western Tourist:
Thank you for considering Cannibal Island for your next vacation. For hundreds of years Cannibal Island was a place to be feared and avoided – mostly because of the cannibals – but now they are all dead and we welcome you!
Cannibal Island offers a pristine environment with breathtaking views and, of course, no cannibals. Everywhere you look is worthy of a picture. In fact, we encourage you to bring your most expensive camera without fear of bloodthirsty cannibals taking it, or worse.
From the natural beauty of the island’s 100 waterfalls to the unspoiled beaches of Headhunter Bay, you will be amazed to realize that such a place still exists in this age of steamships and giant sky birds that have people inside them.
On Cannibal Island you will experience a paradise that has not changed in hundreds of years; aside from the no more cannibalism, of course. You can stroll the pathways to the top of Foreign Scream Mountain – where many a condemned visitor took their last breath until cannibalism was frowned upon, as it is now.
Away from the pressures of your big cities and too-fast culture you will feel as though you are at a time and place before electricity, books or law. You can walk barefoot anywhere you please or throw cocoanuts at a friend because on Cannibal Island there are very few rules aside from Do Not Make Eye Contact With The Chaos Monkeys.
Not long ago the only way to visit Cannibal Island was to sail too close to the perilous, lovely, Demon’s Teeth coral reef. Today it is different – thank you to technology. Take the giant sky bird from your home country to Safe Island. On the southernmost beach of Safe Island you will find a rope that leads out to sea. Wear something that floats and shake it. We will pull you over.
Cannibal Island is the tropical paradise that you have been dreaming about. Please, come. We want to serve you.

Notes From An Undisciplined Wine Taster

Posted on May 11, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

1994 Semillion, Ameberley Estate, Margaret River
Very nice! Solid, well-balanced flavors. Very flowery. Hints of oak. Quite drinkable now. Might not spit this one out.
McIlroy Cellars 1999 Aquarius Ranch Chardonnay
Lots going on here. Citrus. Vanilla. Butter. Very floral nose. Deep. Quite enjoyable. Can’t stop drinking it.
Erazuriz 1994 Maule Valley Chardonnay
Young and buttery. I’ve got a buzz. Oak really compliments the fruit here. I’d like to compliment that blonde standing near the Pol Roger. Very drinkable. Might have another taste or two. Good stuff. Yum.
1998 Argyle Reserve Chardonnay
Ripe fruit. I need to slow down. Good nose. Maybe spit more. I think I’m done with whites. This is buttery. Yeah, I’m done with whites. Drinkable now or keep it for a few years. Slight headache. Nothing a few extra sips can’t cure. Blondie is over by the 1998 Normans Old Vine Shiraz.
1998 Normans Old Vine Shiraz
Nose – Mulberry. Delightful. Major buzz going on. Hint of licorice. Man she’s hot. Lots of Oak. Wonderful on the palate. Her too? Ha ha! Dark. Got some on my tie. Fruity. Gorgeous. Did I say oak? Spitting this one out would be a crime. Hit me up, dude.
2001 Benziger Cabernet Sauvignon, Stone Farm Vineyard
She’s complex, I can tell. The wine is complex too I guess. Drinks real good right now. Yum. It’s got nice tannins on my shirt. There’s some blackberry or some berry in there. Whatever. I stepped on Robert Parker’s foot. It’s got berries. Very nuanced. Spills nicely. Will mature well. Great chest.
2003 Di Majo Norante Sangiovese
Hoooah! Man! Very full-bodied, and I’m not talking ’bout the wine. Ha ha. Deep color. Really like the nose. Hers too! Ha ha. I think I’m slurring. Moderate tannins, collar and cuff. Shouldn’t drive. Definite hints of plum and stuff. Another glass of this beauty is in order. Maybe I’ll ask this hottie if she always spits. Ha ha!
Chateau Pichon Longueville Baron 1989 Pauillac
Blackberry and plum fruit. You can drink this right from the bottle. Makes it hard to appreciate the bouquet because the little spout hole in the bottle is too small, see? The label is pretty and the bottle fits in my jacket because they’re asking me to leave. Whatever! I don’t care. Let go of me. Nice spices in there. It’s really earthy and you can go to hell bitch I was not vulgar.

Deposition

Posted on May 9, 2005 by Brian Sack Satire

DEPOSITION BY LOU BAGETTA, WHO IS IMMORTAL, REGARDING JOE GUSTO, THE MOB’S WORST HIT-MAN.
Joe Gusto knocks on my door late Saturday and that sets all sorts of alarms off because, you know, I didn’t call the SOB and he’s unexpected. I know from personal experiences that in Our Thing there’s no such thing as a friendly drop-by. He’s there to whack me, I figure.
So I play the game with him and invite him in, the whole time suspicious – with my hand in my pocket on my gun. He asks me if I’m home alone, and I tell him yes. Then he asks me if I had made plans to see anyone that night, and I told him no. He asked if I planned on anyone else dropping by unexpectedly, and I said no. Then he asks if I told anybody he might be coming over, and I said no because how would I know that since he came unexpected. Then he starts insisting I invited him to come over and watch TV. Now, I know that’s a lot of BS but I decide to play the game and I tell him I must have forgotten so, sure, we can watch some TV.
We put on VH-1’s “I Love The ’80s” show. The Wang Chung band is on singing “Dance Hall Days” and Joe says that he loves those fags and that’s his favorite song and would I turn up the volume a whole lot.
So I do. It’s real loud. Then Joe Gusto says he prefers to watch TV standing behind the sofa because his leg gets tired from sitting. I says fine or whatever, and he gets up and stands behind me. Every time I look back he pretends he’s watching the video, and even though he says it’s his favorite song he’s singing “dance all day long” so he don’t even know the lyrics. Anyway, he’s standing behind me, and I’m not really that nervous because I’m immortal. And besides, there’s a mirror over the TV. So I point to the mirror and Joe realizes that I can see him and then he says he wants to sit down and think a minute. He looks all serious like he’s really trying to work something out.

The Missing Instructions

Posted on April 20, 2005 by Brian Sack Articles Satire The Independent Work

Report to Shareholders

Posted on April 13, 2005 by Brian Sack *Greatest Hits* Marketing New York Satire

I am pleased to report a banner year for Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries.
Our earnings in 2004 reflect our commitment to a proactive and aggressive policy of standing outside the 14th Street Chase Bank and holding the door for people.
I credit our success to a simple and effective business model: Hold the door open for people leaving and entering the bank, because that’s where the money’s at.
Last year’s growth trend was no accident, and can be attributed to the fact that by standing in the same place every day during bank hours, we created a rapport with people entering and leaving the building. In other words, we built our brand, and in this business brand is everything. This is in direct contrast to our operations during the previous years in which we wandered dazed and bleeding down 2nd Avenue on an irregular basis.
As evidenced by last year’s outstanding performance, the one-location business model is a key to success in our industry.
In addition to optimizing our location, we introduced our new tagline: Please help me. We noticed a marked difference in returns after the introduction of Please help me, and have permanently phased out Quarter Quarter Quarter which, frankly, was never much of a focus group darling.
In the year ahead we will have our challenges, to be certain. There’s a pregnant teen outside Emack & Bolio’s seeking our clients. There’s been some hostility with the bank management. And I am bleeding. But these are all things that can be worked out.
Frankly, I am not concerned. We have the savvy and reputation that others in our industry lack. And we provide a valuable door-holding experience that Shrieking Pete does not.
I look forward to the year ahead. Under my stewardship I believe we can expect Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries to grow even more. I’m proud of where we are today, and I have you to thank for it.
Please help me,
Tavis E. Williams
Chairman and CEO
Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries