From: Mayor Bloomberg
To: New York
Re: Operation Sh
As you know, our city enjoys one of the lowest crime rates for a city of its size. For that, we owe our fine police department our great thanks – with the exception of the one guy who sodomizes perps with plungers. He’s a bad apple, for certain, but the rest of them: Heroes.
The efforts of the NYPD have led to a low number of per-capita homicides, ass-kickings, stabbings and other violent acts. The fact that these serious crimes are not being perpetrated means our citizens, residents of the greatest city in the world, live free from fear. Free to direct their attention to other threats. Like loud conversations.
When I established the 311 hotline – which I introduced with little-to-no fanfare and barely took credit for – I expected it to provide the city government with a big picture of what concerns New Yorkers had. And that it has done.
I expected the #1 complaint to be garbage, dog-poop, or menus left in foyers by hard-working-but-illegal Asian and Latin men.
I was wrong.
The people have spoken. Unanimously. Softly.
What you have all been most vocal about, quite ironically, is noise.
When one lives in a city of ten million, one expects, and deserves, perfect silence. I understand. That is why I am directing all police departments to concentrate their police-type skills to the prevention and prosecution of auditory offenses.
I’m calling it Operation Sh.
Operation Sh will get noise off the streets once and for all, that we may go about our lives in peace and tranquility. Remember how quiet New York was during the blackout? That’s what we want. But with lights.
No longer will you wince when you hear a mega-decibel, bladder-shattering fire engine air-horn. I’ve instructed our Heroes to whistle. From this point onward, a soft whistle means a fire engine is crossing the intersection. In some cases, it could mean a Hero likes your breasts, but always look both ways just to be safe.
Certainly, some motorcyclists will be upset. For decades they’ve enjoyed the thrill of waking thousands from sleep as they opened the throttle on their expensive surrogate penises. But no more. “Loud Pipes Save Lives” may be their motto, but “Please Shut Up” is ours. And we have the law on our side.
How many times has an approaching homeless man’s slurred pitch for cash been drowned out by the repetitive, evil twinkle emanating from the Mister Softee truck? Too many, I’m sure. From now on, Mister Softee can deliver his jingle in print format only. Now, you’ll be able to hear the drunk guy’s request for a quarter. And when you rebuff him, you’ll clearly hear the “God Bless You” that’s really a “Fuck You” in disguise.
Bear in mind, Operation Sh is equal opportunity. Loud is loud, and whether it’s Eminem, Jay-Z, or Mahler, you need to keep your bass under wraps.
From dogs barking to militant union construction guys to inconsiderate babies, Operation Sh is going to tackle the biggest problem facing New Yorkers today. What Rudy Giuliani was to porn and Al Sharpton, I have been to tobacco, and I will be to sound.
In the immediate future you will see numerous uniformed officers on the streets. You may see them standing outside your local pub, straining to hear the jukebox. They may have their ears pressed to buildings to lock in on an overzealous Bichon Frise. Perhaps they’ll be cupping their hand to their ears, auditing air conditioners, or shushing you during heated arguments. Whatever they’re doing, know that they’re contributing to what will be the most successful shushing in New York’s history.
We’ll be spending a lot of energy and money on Operation Sh. It’s a noisy city, and our police forces are willing to work overtime to do what it takes. I hope you’ll join us and be one of the millions of New Yorkers who’ve thrown open their windows to announce to the world that they’ve had enough. If you do that, please keep it down.
One day, if you’re still here, we’ll be proud to be residents of the greatest, most smoke-free, most tranquil city in the world. The city that never shrieks.