Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Name That Restaurant

hitlers_cross.jpg
It’s not easy naming a restaurant.
Certainly at one time or another you’ve passed an establishment and thought to yourself, “I could have done better than Lettuce Soup-rise You.”
Maybe you weren’t amused by Great Eggspectations as much as the owner was.
Perhaps you even considered setting fire to Pastabilities.
I understand. There are lots of bad restaurant names. Because it’s just not easy naming a restaurant. For every great name there are hundreds of duds. Like O Salad Mio.
When we named my step-brother’s pub we plucked a full Irish name out of the air. It turned out to be the same name as an Irish politician a Dublin friend described as our Dan Quayle. We got by because no one here knows Irish politicians. But, every so often someone from across the pond would enter and ask, “Why’d you name this place after him?”
Now my step-brother’s steak place needs a name, and it’s no easier. Chops and Bones are taken. Anything to do with beef or wine seems to be taken. Beefplace is stupid. Steak Force is awful.
And, of course, Hitler’s Cross was already registered by a sharp Mumbai restaurateur.
Basically – aside from your blog and MySpace rantings – this is your big chance to prove you’re a creative powerhouse. Your chance to keep a Sir Loins from happening.
Name my step-brother’s steakhouse and he’ll pay you $500. You’ll be half a grand richer. And you can say, “See Steakitorium over there? I came up with that.”
But don’t come up with Steakitorium because that sucks.
Here’s what to consider:
-It’s a steak place. A very nice, not-too-expensive but not-Sizzler steak place.
-Imagine a place with great wine and great food. Now imagine it will go out of business if you name it Steer n’ Stein.
-The name should sound good with “Steakhouse” after it, because it probably will have “Steakhouse” after it.
-The name should not blow. Seriously consider if you yourself would sink money into a place called What’s Your Beef? before suggesting that someone else do so.
-Resist the temptation to send every idea that’s ever crossed your mind. Assume the thesaurus entry for “beef” has already been studied at length. Predictable names have already been presented and discarded.
My favorite steakhouse name is Strip House in Manhattan. They have excellent steak and outrageously over-priced appetizers.
Here’s how this is being done:
-You can email the names or post them as a comment if you’re extra proud of them. Just make sure your email is legit in case you need to be contacted.
-Suggestions that aren’t horrendous, or existing establishments, will be forwarded to the decision-makers.
-The person who emailed/posted the suggestion first gets the credit. If you’re the second person to suggest Steak Zone you’re out of luck. But don’t worry, Steak Zone blows and they’d never go with it. Ditto Steaktopia.
-If they use your suggestion they’ll give you $500. If they kind of use your suggestion, such as taking Steak Land from Bob’s Super Steak House and Land O’ Wines it will be up to their discretion how much of an influence you were.
-Hurry. Liquor license people don’t like to be kept waiting.
UPDATE
A name has been chosen. Your input is welcome.


Previously

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