I'm tired of all ye Medieval freakes trying to tell me how great the Medieval times are. Well, I'm there right now and I can tell you that it's a whole bunch of crap, for certain. I just buried my fourth wife for starters. I lost my first Katherine to complications of childbirth, the second Katherine to the plague, Jane to childbirth and for the love of God, the doctor has no idea what killed my third Katherine, though he does think it's no coincidence that she was in childbirth.

How dare you prance about your "realistic Medieval village" in some suburban cow pasture with your overweight Medieval fans in cumbersome body armor and tell me how great it is here. Do you know we throw raw sewage out on the streets? How great do you think that is? How lovely do you think that smelleth in the middle of summer? You try taking a God forsaken stroll in your fancy robes (I'm merchant class) and tell me that it's a lot of fun. Huzzah my ass. Everything smells like crap. And I haven't bathed in a fortnight, I'll have you know, because some jackass Frenchman dropped a dead cow in our well during the siege.

And you won't find any damn souvenir shops in my village, I can assure you. We don't have any stores that sell Medieval swing chairs, whatever in damnation that may be. And your swords? They're for scoundrels. They're not even sharp. We also don't have laser-etched crystals here. Or dragons for that matter, though try and tell that to St. George and he'll get all pissy.

Whoever believes that you could just purchase a giant turkey leg has another thing coming too. I'll be lucky to have a frickin' potato tonight. Goddamn French ate or raped all the poultry. I'd give what's left of my right ear to have some unpermited shack distributing cheap turkey legs down the road.

Yeah, this Medieval life is so frickin' great. I guess that's why my first son died from the consumption. How romantic. You sure you want a castle? Why don't you open the windows in your apartment in the dead of winter and stroll about wearing eight parkas. Same thing. There's your friggin' castle, your highness.

And all this crap with the jousting? Jousting? I've been to one damn joust my whole life, and it was only because I thought I might have a chance to grab some royalty aside and get my "heretic" brother's death sentence commuted. You think we all just sit around jousting all day? We're too busy coughing up blood, believe you me. And if not that, we're scrambling around trying to figure out why the Good Lord chose to set fire to the warehouse. I've had a blister for eight years. My aunt's a leper. I sleep near a goat. Go to hell, Medieval fans.

I have the right mind to kicketh you in the codpiece.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Letters | Email to a Friend
Tags: Freaks | Medieval Times