MACLURE’S DISPOSABLE SUBWAY MITTENS
Having to ride the subway is bad enough, but having to touch the filth-covered bars is downright traumatic. MacLure’s Disposable Subway Mittens insulate your hands in a biodynamic anti-bacterial gel, putting half an inch of Kevlar-reinforced nylon and microbe-resistant poly-cotton padding between you and some homeless guy’s snot. Sold individually as well as in weekly and monthly commuter packs. $2.95 ea.
EXIT STRATEGY TURNSTILE TONGS
When you push through a turnstile you’re putting your crotch in the same exact place that millions of other crotches have been. No one knows what the long-term effects of that could be… do you want to take any chances? Our Turnstile Tongs ensure you exit the station free from crotch germs, if any. Comes with convenient carry case and 12 oz sterilizer spray. $18.95 ea.
SEAT BEATERS
Sometimes the subway feels like a lose-lose venture! Stand, and you’re forced to touch the microscopic urine particles that are no doubt coating all surfaces. Sit, and you’re putting your clean pants on a surface that some drunk’s filthy shoes were probably propped up on. Seat Beaters are revolutionary germ-resistant pads infused with the power of twelve bleaches. Just remember to lean forward or your shirt will most likely be contaminated by the seatback.
FLYING GOLDFISH KIOSK FINGER
Avoid germs and have fun at the same time! The Flying Goldfish Kiosk Finger lets you use MetroCard kiosk buttons fearlessly – and it’s guaranteed to make fellow straphangers laugh. Refill your card, get a new card, or take advantage of several other kiosk options without worrying about fecal residue. $8.99 ea.
SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING KIT
The subway is not mobile-phone friendly, so if you want to report a suspicious package you’ll need to use the payphone – yikes! Ironically, that festering cauldron of germs could be even more dangerous than a gas attack. The See Something Say Something Kit saves the day! Use the six foot wooden stick to get the receiver off the hook, dial ‘0’ with the rubber fingertip guard, then simply shout your urgent message at the phone with the bullhorn. $124.95 ea.
Brian Sack
I started Banterist in 2003 after this conversation with my cat. It led to all sorts of good things.
Do the MacLure’s Disposable Subway Mittens come in a color other than white? White is okay between Memorial Day and Labor Day, but might be considered a fashion faux pas during the autumn/winter months.
Aaaack! I haven’t been on a subway car in 11 years, and this post has managed to make me feel like I need to wash my hands again. Or peel off my entire skin.
Just wondering, why to the mittens have an interesting surname? “Maclure.” Are they named after the forefather of germaphobics? If so, DaveyJones is onto something. They should be offered in a tartan blackwatch plaid sort of color…
It strikes me that a 14″ Apple iBook with faulty motherboard and no hardrive would make as effective a Subway seat as your ‘beater’ pictured above. If you knew where to get your hands on one at a good price, of course!
Sign me up for one of each!
I just got back from a metrocard buying, subway riding vacation in NYC. It’s been three weeks and I’m just getting over the body rash that no doubt is a result of all the fecal particles that infected my body. I’ll use this stuff next time.
Does the Kiosk Finger come with some kind of disinfectant spray?
Love it!
Please sir, may I have some more?
Came across a product us germaphobes might like to know about. Thehealthyhandle.com has a great idea. This product keeps you healthy before you get on the subway then your products take over.