Author posts dispatch from Lithuania on his moderately trafficked humor site.
Parts of article are translated and appear on Lithuania’s website.
Comment frenzy ensues among Lithuanians with an impressive grasp of English.
Level-headed Lithuanians with better understanding of cultural commentary try to defuse situation but are out-shouted by more reactionary Lithuanians.
Author is told he has a wood tongue, whatever that means.
Crowds form outside the Radisson hotel in Vilnius. Turkish consulate is set on fire because it’s conveniently located next door.
Lithuanian police fail to disperse crowd or enforce traffic laws.
Mayor of Vilnius issues statement: “Best beer? Svyturus, of course. Aciu.”
Author delivers public address from the window of his hotel room. Attempt to tell crowd his great-grandfather was Lithuanian fails when he is pelted with delicious, meat-filled potato zeppelins.
UN peacekeepers arrive, do nothing.
Author’s Polish wife explains that outsider humor is subject to sensitivities ingrained in Baltic and Eastern European cultures – a result of historically annoying neighbors Russia and Germany.
Ambassador to Denmark shrugs shoulders and sighs. “It happens,” he says.
Author attempts to sneak out of hotel by donning a man-purse. He is discovered and chased from Vilnius by a mob of gorgeous, well-dressed women bearing antiquated pitchforks.
Manhunt fails to find author because they are looking for an obese rat with wood tongue, whatever that means.
Author is smuggled across the border by partisans in a hay-filled mule cart.
A grim-faced President George W. Bush appears on national television. “Great. Now everyone hates us,” he says.