You can always tell your wife is in labor because she makes labor sounds like “Let’s go” and “You need to turn off the Xbox now.” If you listen closely to the wombish area, you’ll also hear her say “stop wasting time” and “I don’t want to deliver in the taxi.”
Columbia Presbyterian’s Washington Heights location offers you a great view. If you look 160 blocks south you’ll see the part of Manhattan you wish the hospital was in.
We chose Columbia-Presbyterian because their delivery rooms are state-of-the-art and spacious. The rooms at St. Luke’s and St. Vincent’s only have an abacus and just enough room for you and half a nurse.
$300,000 worth of high-tech beeping equipment that you need six years of school to use, yet they still don’t know how to spell “maintenance” correctly.
Our OB/GYN has been doing her thing since before I was born, yet hospital bureaucrats make her feel like a TGI Friday’s waitress by forcing her to wear this humiliating badge.
This cart contains all the magical ingredients for an epidural. A man will look at it with indifference, but a woman in labor will say “put all of that in my spine right now.”
Delivery is much faster the second time because the first child left hints. After the birth you are removed from the nice high-tech room and placed in the less nice recovery room. Mommy gets a nice bed and daddy gets this Saudi torture device.
Baby gets put in the same kind of plastic bin I used to store tortilla chips in when I was a busboy at El Torito – hence the expression “Doesn’t he look like a pile of tortilla chips?”
While your wife and child are recuperating you can take time out to capture egregious spelling errors in the neighborhood.
…and wonder when exactly your wife had her affair with Dolph Lundgren.
Brian Sack
I started Banterist in 2003 after this conversation with my cat. It led to all sorts of good things.
Congratulations on your adorable pile of tortilla chips!
Congrats on your new little Dolph. :)
seeing your descriptions of the hospital made my day. hahaa. i can’t believe that chair they call a bed. as much as a hospital stay costs…at least have a crappy fold out couch.
Congratulations! He looks just like you, only smaller, younger, cuter, and tastier. :)
Congrats! Love the commentary…so much more interesting than the typical ‘OMG I had a BABY!’ speel. Love the blond hair.
Costumers are often drunk in my experience, so I don’t think that sign is gonna work.
Congrats on the beautiful baby!
Hey congratulations Brian!
Amen to the Saudi torture device comment – the worst two nights sleep I’ve ever had were spent on similar furniture when my kids were born. Congrats on the new one.
Brian, he’s gorgeous. You can call him “Mini Me”.
You should be very proud.
p.s. I also think ‘Anesthesia’ should get an honorary mention.
Congratulations Brian, to both you and your wife.
Nice of Grammar Cop to pay you a visit whilst there as well :)
Congratulations on your extremely beautiful child! Your photo of the epidural equipment brought back fond memories. The anesthesiologist slowly explained in eye-glazing detail exactly how the procedure was going to work, concluding with the entirely superfluous (from my point of view) warning: “Now this is probably going to hurt.” I remember responding with some vehemence, “SOOOO WHAT?!!!”
Wishing you some well-deserved, though unlikely, sleep.
Congratulations to you and the family, Brian. And funny stuff as always. Let’s hope the person who takes the info for your baby’s birth certificate spells his name correctly.
What a beautiful baby! Congratulations and best wishes to the whole family.
Well, congrats. I guess an alchoholic priest just isn’t enough. You have to keep going until you’ve collected them all! Do tell what this child has in its future when you next go to Poland.
Also, congratulate your child on his hair. That is some nice hair.
Adorable! Congratulations!!!!
:-)
Na zdrowie! Or should it be sto lat? I don’t know what people say for babies. “Good luck and god speed”? Congratulations and all that at any rate. :)
Congratulations on such perfect tortilla chips.
Congratulations to your family on the wonderful addition. See if they have some sleeping pills they can slip you before you leave the hospital– you’ll need them!
Also, if your little one could just sneer a little bit, I think you may have more of a “Billy Idol” look-a-like.
Congratulations! I didnt even know you were pregnant! I have missed a month or so here, I have to catch up.
What a gorgeous baby, and so alert! Glad I stumbled on to your site. Brings back lots of memories. Just when I’d decided 3 were enough you go and show me what I’m missing.
Congratulations. :)
What makes you think that’s nacho baby?
Beautiful Tortilla Chips. Congratulations! (and thanks for NOT posting pictures of the salsa.)
I like the idea of having a computer next to the bed in Labor and Delivery room. Maybe it’s just me, but it looks like dad was getting in a little Mah Jong while waiting.
What a cute little sack.
COnGRATULATIONS!
A: Dolph Lungren.
Q: Why, when I’ve only been playing Xbox for 4-1/2 hours, does this bedroom smell Norse?