Brian Sack
The Limited Worldview of Cheap Cereal
Price Chopper’s Fruit Whirls is their store-brand answer to Fruit Loops. They look and taste the same
, sure, and they cost much less. But the educational value of the back panel is questionable.
“Languages from around the world” indeed, if by “world” you mean, well, Europe and her colonies.
Where’s the Bantu?
I Was In Vietnam Too: A True Story
I served along side Richard Blumenthal in Vietnam, and like him I still have vivid memories of those days where I served my country so valiantly. I’ll never forget the one afternoon we found ourselves surrounded by what we assume was Viet Cong. We were in the cafeteria at Harvard, preparing for what we in the military call “grub”: sirloin steak, mashed potatoes, truffled string beans, some lobster bisque, salad, Key Lime pie and Jello. I was famished – the last time we’d eaten was in the morning, and it was already nearly half-past noon. For two or three hours we’d been stapling papers and organizing folders. I even had to read several chapters of a book. We were numb. Exhausted. And our nerves were on edge because Richard was certain the VC would attack at any moment. As you know
, they were guerillas and blended in with the populace. Presumably they were all over the campus in Cambridge. That’s the thing with the VC, you always had to be on guard.
I was only a few bites in to my meal, I mean “grub,” when Richard sat bolt upright and dropped his silverware. He had an uncanny sense for trouble. “Incoming!” he yelled. We dove under the table. He was certain the VC would be shelling us at any moment. We prepared ourselves for the concussive effects of the mortar rounds and wrapped our cloth napkins around our heads to protect us from fragments. We stayed under the table for what seems like an eternity
, but was actually several minutes. Lucky for us, the attack never materialized. Finally, Richard gave the all-clear. We resumed eating our grub, which by now was a little cold. But that’s the kind of sacrifice you make when you are in enemy territory and serving your country as we noble warriors did.
We resumed our lunching. Richard’s eyes scanned the horizon, evaluating any threats that might be materializing. To me it looked like a bunch of Harvard students milling about. But he saw danger. “The VC could be anywhere,” he said, “Looming in the distance, waiting to strike. Or 14,000 klicks away.” I chewed my delicious, mouthwatering, albeit lukewarm sirloin tensely and barely enjoyed it. Richard inspired me with his fearlessness and ate his meal in a leisurely fashion. When it was over, we left the cafeteria, which Richard called “Vietnam” and took a refreshing nap. I will never forget those times. Semper Fi.
Grammar Cop: National Don’t Move Show at Javits Center
Defendant: The United States Postal Service
Count 1: Negligent spelling.
Count 2: Reproduction and distribution of grammatical malfeasance on federal property.
Report: Officer was attempting to mail a small package – a process made complicated
, frustrating and time-consuming by the United States Postal Service. While standing in a line rivaling the size of Disney World’s Magic Mountain attraction on a Spring Break holiday
, officer noticed criminal signage (Exhibit A) and apprehended it digitally. Despite the length of time spent in line, officer was seemingly unable to take a decent photograph, which he blames on the iPhone’s shoddy camera.
Fine: $110 worth of Simpsons stamps. Or a functioning automated teller machine in the lobby that can take the place of ten postal clerks by working efficiently, not stopping for lunch breaks, and communicating in English.
Somebody Saw Something, Said Something
I know, I know. New York is a target and the terrorists hate our freedoms (but I’m certain they love our foreign policy) and something terrible is bound to happen in the city some day. Yes
, and there’s not much you can do about a determined, evil person who has opted to engage in martyrdom operations because some sexually frustrated old man with a beard and spectacles radicalized him. But if we’re going to pull the fire alarm and close down Broadway every time someone litters, well, even the half-assed terrorists have already won.
Yelp Review: Children’s Museum of Science and Technology
I can’t remember who told me to come here but they’re dead to me now.
The museum features a slapdash collection of things, several of which are out of commission.
A bell. Kids can ring a bell. The bell is next to a snake. I felt bad for the snake because every five seconds some kid was ringing a bell next to its head.
Some fish.
A television “green screen” which allows kids to see themselves superimposed over a video of weather. You can do this with iChat without having to leave your home.
Some mirrors.
A display on solar energy. And one on wind energy.
Some animals confined in small cages
, living out their lives under fluorescent lights and the gaze of children.
Some computers with educational games, like the computer with educational games you have at home.
A planetarium show that costs extra, even though you paid $15 for your two kids to see the above.
Within minutes the kids were ready to go. My 5 year-old called it “the boringest museum.” Not the best English, but you get the idea.
Like everyone else
, I have reviews on Yelp.
Yelp: Perilla
Boy howdy. I was chosen for another Review of the Day listing on Yelp
, this time for a review of Perilla. Damn fine restaurant.
This doesn’t pay a damn thing of course, but I figure with several ROTDs under my belt already I’m well on my way to being qualified to teach a course on writing profitless award-winning reviews. Perhaps for the Learning Annex.
Once I start teaching there
, I’ll be in the same league as the intolerable Donald Trump who teaches you how to make millions (hint: start with millions) and Chad Rogers, who can tell you how to get rich in real estate but apparently has no idea where to find a decent barber.
The Headline That Wasn’t – 05.07.2010
For many years I’ve thought that coming up with headlines for the NY Post was one of the greatest jobs in the world. To be paid for puns is lovely. I haven’t been paid for puns since I stopped working on billboard advertising. Most puns are godawful: Hail Caesar and five other new salads is a good example of a pun you should be put to the sword for.
Occasionally the Post comes up with something brilliant. And to be paid for puns that half the city gets to see. That’d be a sweet gig. Anyway
, it occurred to me that I have Photoshop and know how to use it well enough that I too can come up with NY Post headlines whenever I want. Though the pay is crap and I don’t have their circulation.
It’s Denise and I Am In Dougie
I pay the PhoneTag company $10 a month for their service which transcribes voicemail messages and emails them to me. This comes in really handy as I can look up messages for reference, keep a record of when calls came in and store unnecessary MP3 audio copies of messages which I can drag out at a later date “On August 22nd, 2009 you said you loved me. Here’s audio proof!”
PhoneTag uses both humans and computers for the sake of accuracy, and according to a recent study it’s accurate about 86% of the time. The other 14% of the time it leaves me wondering what country the transcriber lives in, and what the hell the caller actually meant:
- It’s Will calling from Abraham regarding dairy clean for tomorrow, they need more of your time to two ten so afternoon two ten and lets not leave the office for dairy clean.
- Hey, Brian. My name is Sarah. I work for the Shield Skin City. You had met one of my partners over, Joe over in the park.
- After much consideration and hearing about all New York city public schools will be closed we have decided to close disney for tomorrow due to the storm.
- I just want to know how Rob hard wipe your ass. Yeah
, Grog will be there, probably Berlin and it might be in 3rd place of course I know.
- It’s just about that idea
, we’re not gonna go to the park. I thought it was, no the park the sales. I’m up there with Weng but we’re just gonna go to a plan thing but not the thing that you’re at but then, ’cause I realize I’m not as supposed that I thought calendar.
- It’s Denise and I am in Dougie.
- This is Cristy Yales at Ranch Canada on me. It’s gonna be 5 contract solo paying in FoxGal. A complex eyelet erect to have dysfunction medication, ships December 9th to the 12th in Miami.
- She had may had swelled your coat that was stuff in that corner when she had her accident. But she’s worried about that.
- It’s Jamie. 9:30, Saturday morning. I’m gonna be down in gent collecting small pot bills.
- I wanna talk to you about the bomb monopoly.
Potential Eyjafjallajokull Film Title
,’popup’,’width=550,height=400,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0′); return false”>
Delightful pun courtesy my friend Mark S.D. Harris, who tossed it out there on Facebook.
Recent Comments