January 2010

Al Complaina: Osama Speaks

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Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America’s complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization’s desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first time Al Qaeda’s opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort zone in order to vent some fury. In fact, when it comes to the sassy Saudi no one is safe.
BARISTAS LEAVE TOO MUCH ROOM FOR MILK (May 2007)
“And now we laugh, seeing how America has lost its credibility and is viewed as a tool of the imperialist, colonialist empires, and one that most notably leaves too much room for milk in its venti coffees, even when its citizens specifically stated that they desired nothing more than a large black coffee. Even as Bush continues his warmongering abroad and assists the Zionists in their occupation of Palestine, he helms a so-called democracy that is unable to simply fill the cup all the way to the top. One that cheats its own citizens by leaving an inch of room for milk in a $2.50 cup of coffee, when not a single millimeter of room was wanted.”
FACEBOOK REDESIGN (October 2009)
“Where is the justice in changing the layout on the faithful user? Where is your precious “freedom” for which you fight and die, when you too find yourself cast from your area of comfort, into an unfamiliar land, like our Palestinian brothers for whom we shall never rest? You leave us with no choice but to become a fan of “Bring Back The Old Layout Or We’re Gone.”
TIME OUT NEW YORK KEEPS RECOMMENDING RESTAURANTS IN BROOKLYN (November 2008)
“All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace from Him and who in his infinite wisdom saw to it that Time Out New York would cover all the glorious and wonderful events and dining venues in New York City. But the cancerous touch of the Deceivers has made it such that one will read with great interest about a restaurant opening – only to realize that the restaurant is in Red Hook or Park Slope

, where Manhattanites can not be bothered to go. And so just as the Deceivers mislead you about their plan of oppression in the Middle East, they also mislead about their plan to promote Brooklyn. Presumably because the writers all live there and really want it to be hip.”

JAY LENO RETURNS TO TONIGHT SHOW (January 2010)

“For ten long years our mujahedeen fought the great power of the Soviet Union with nothing more than simple weapons. Through patience and steadfastness we bled their economy until there was no more blood in its veins. Through patience and steadfastness we brought a superpower to its knees. And through patience and steadfastness we shall bring the armies of the West to their knees. That we have patience and steadfastness is known to all. But if you think for a minute that I’m going to sit through another “Jay Walking” segment, you’re fooling yourself. I honestly don’t know what Jeff Zucker is smoking, Peace Be Upon Him.”

Deposition in the LACSFF “Best of Fest” Tour

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My short film The Deposition of Lou Bagetta will be making the film festival rounds again as part of the LA Comedy Shorts “Best of Fest” program. They’re touring festivals showing off favorites from the 2009 festival

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, and Deposition is one of them.
Ultimately I’d like to release the film on iTunes or Amazon as a cheap-o download. Problem: Wang Chung. I made a Wang Chung song an integral part of the film and securing the distribution rights beyond the festival rights that we already have is cumbersome. I’m just hoping Wang Chung will go easy on me, although a legal case titled Brian Sack v. Wang Chung would be totally awesome sounding.

Avatar: True Facts

  • The entire film was created on a MacBook Pro with a pirated copy of Adobe After Effects.
  • This is Sigourney Weaver’s 73rd reprise of her role as a woman in outer space.
  • Unbeknownst to the audience, the film peppered viewers with very, very subtle political messages.
  • At nearly three hours long, the film is like suffering through six episodes of Two and a Half Men.
  • The indigenous people of Pandora were designed to resemble James Cameron’s cat Fluffers.
  • The Na’vi dialect has even more apostrophes than Klingon.
  • If you were to pit people who taught themselves Na’vi against people who taught themselves Klingon, no one would win because they’d all be losers.
  • James Cameron’s original title for the film was Dances With Wolves, But In Space.

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Peacekeepers 2: Tactical Observation for the Xbox

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The much-anticipated sequel to Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment expands the franchise from bureaucratic decision-making to all-out observation with binoculars.
PROS:
Realistic, indecisive AI • Responsive binoculars • Blue hats • Sound design
CONS:
Can’t understand what Ban Ki- moon is saying half the time

At the end of Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment, players left an eight-hour committee meeting wondering “What next?” Well, I’m happy to report that Peacekeepers 2:Tactical Observation picks up from that exact point and answers the question in no uncertain terms: “I don’t know. Let’s watch and see.”
At the game open the player finds himself (girls don’t play video games) in an immersive world of realistic bureaucracy coupled with a can-do spirit that’s kept in check by the special interests of the Security Council.
While locked in intense negotiations with the Russians and Chinese, the player must make concessions that allow the Russians to freely annex the Republic of Georgia while the Chinese censor Google and execute dissidents. This is done by pressing the X button repeatedly for 27 minutes. After those and other concessions have been made and Sino-Russian obstacles removed, an agreement is reached that UN peacekeeping forces will be sent to the troubled region of Sudanistan. This fictional nation, which is based on current events, has been struggling under a civil war and the cruel oppression of a theocratic government that is not Islamic.
After issuing a resolution condemning Israel for something, troops are dispatched to the region – and that’s when the fun really starts.
From high up in your tower you can scan the horizon with some of the most realistic binoculars in any video game to-date. The binoculars can zoom in and out, focus and be stored in a dust-proof box, just like real binoculars. Want to see what’s going on over to the left? Just push your controller’s left stick to the left. What about to the right? Just push your controller’s stick to the right. If you’re so inclined, you can keep turning to the right until you’ve gone a full 360 degrees – allowing you to see everything around you!
The developers have gone to great lengths to recreate what you might see in your binoculars. It might be a rusty car. A sheep. An old boot. Perhaps a shrub. Ooh! Did you just see gun-toting militiamen? Nope, it’s a group of happy school children carrying an easel.
On the odd occasion when you do see something truly out of the ordinary you have the ability to either watch it or look somewhere else. If you watch it, you’ll be asked to file a detailed report which will then be placed in a manila folder. In one instance, I thought for sure that I was watching several people being executed by government paramilitary forces. I used the right trigger to phone my superiors who repeatedly asked me if I was sure that’s what I saw. When I hung up, there was no trace of the gunmen or victims – if there even were any – so I focused my amazing binoculars on a feral dog I saw rummaging through highly detailed trash. Again, the designers spared no expense.
One of the things I like most about Peacekeepers 2 is that you don’t have guns. I mean – sure

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, you have guns (if you select the third-person viewing option you will see one slung over your shoulder) but you don’t actually use them. They just exist to try and deter bad behavior. The game design is so detailed that if you turn the right way sunlight reflects off of your constantly-shouldered rifle.
In the end, Peacekeepers 2: Tactical Observation is the most realistic first-person non-shooter on the market. With two games under their belt already, the developers have such a head start on the competition that it’ll be a miracle if anyone else manages to break into this genre. We’ll see how Activision fares in 2011 with the release of Recalled from Duty: Modern Troop Withdrawal.

Internet Marketing Brilliance

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This is an excellent internet advertisement for ClassesUSA that I tripped over recently. It does all the things an advertisement should do, and it does them well. I know this because for many years I worked in advertising.
RULE #1: A good ad always mentions that the president wants you to do something.
Everyone loves a president, except for roughly half of the population who did not vote for him. But for the ones who did? They love when the president tells them what he wants them to do. With the exception, I suppose, of those folks who don’t like political figures telling them what to do.
RULE #2: A good ad targets people other than you.
I personally love it when an ad targets someone other than the person looking at it. It makes me feel good to know there are other people in the world who are different than I am, and I enjoy seeing ads directed at them. In this case, the ad is targeting child-bearing moms who are receptive to President Obama wanting them to buy an arguably worthless college degree from a meagerly accredited, shady online university.
It’s odd because the advertiser is owned by Experian, the corporate behemoth that tracks all of us and our credit histories. They could probably very easily discern who I am and everything about me by looking at their vast electronic library of stored information. Instead they show me an ad targeting under-educated

, subservient moms. Kudos.
RULE #3: A good ad has a picture of a freakish Charles Manson type who has absolutely nothing to do with the headline.

Obama wants moms to go back to school? Homeless man mugshot. It makes perfect sense to me. You might expect to see a photo of a mom. Or a woman of some sort, anyway. Someone who might tie in to the headline. No way. This is a good ad, and a good ad doesn’t bother with that. A good ad wants you to go, “What the hell?” as you look at a what could easily be a pedophile’s mugshot.
So there you have it. A brilliant ad concocted by marketing geniuses somewhere out there in the vast Internet. Or maybe in Boise, at some marketing firm located in a step-mom’s basement. It makes me want to get back into advertising.
Bonus points for the mouse-type at the bottom. It’s a legal disclaimer for a testimonial that’s not actually in the ad.

Heil! Please Log In.

We’ve all gotten used to CAPTCHA’s requirement that we enter in random words like “lemon catapult” to prove that we’re not robots.
But this one was odd because it made me think of Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels. Definitely more interesting than lemon catapults, but much more creepy. Especially since “goebel” isn’t a word in the first place.
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Disappointing Erotica

His warm tongue traced around her navel before heading south to flirt with the thin lace of her panties. She bit her lip. This was the moment she had been waiting for since she first laid eyes on Carlos at the hotel pool. She moaned with anticipation, running her hands through his dark hair before asking him to leave. She had to get to the airport by six in the morning and found fatigue unbearable.

And now here she was, standing before a total stranger as he ran his hands up her legs and toward her inner thighs. It was beyond exhilarating. Her heart was in danger of bursting. She began to sweat and tremble. Her lip quivered. Would he discover her explosives-laced underwear? Because Allah would be pissed.

Lucas slowly caressed her breasts, which is what he called her two cats because he was terribly educated.

“Oh my God!” panted Jamie, “Oh my God! Oh. My. God!”
She gasped for air. Never before had she felt such incredible

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, overwhelming pleasure. Her hands clenched the arms of the recliner as she gave herself unto the Lord, thrilled that she had stumbled upon Pat Robertson’s 700 Club as opposed to that crap with people selling antiques.

His back arched, his eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a moan of sheer pleasure. The acting teacher, who used to be on a huge sitcom back in the 70s, said it was very convincing.

With raw fury, Brenda tore Vick’s shirt open and ran her hands over his muscular, olive skin. He kissed her violently – twelve years of pent-up passion unleashing itself that very moment. She loosened his belt, unbuttoned his trousers and lifted her skirt. Only the judge’s gavel could make them realize they were violating courtroom protocol.