Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The PandaBank Difference

Dear Neighbor,
There’s a new bank in town. Perhaps you’ve seen our stickers on a light pole.
We’re not just any bank. We’re PandaBank. Like our name suggests, we love zoos.
At ordinary banks you’re just an account number. At PandaBank we know you by your first name and a physical characteristic. Just ask Monica Cankles.
At PandaBank we know you don’t want to be bothered with banking at odd hours, so we don’t have ATMs. We eliminated paper waste with our slate checks. And we eliminated electronic waste by turning everything off.
Unlike regulated banks, PandaBank is not FDIC insured. That allows us to go by the honor system and do things other banks can’t. Like keep money in shoe bins from the Container Store.
You work hard for your money, why not let us put it in a shoe bin from the Container Store? When you need it back, come talk to us. We’ll have you sign a few things and give it to you for a small fee. Sure, other banks do that too, but other banks also give you perks for opening new accounts.
Other banks spend huge amounts of money advertising and pass those costs on to you. PandaBank outsourced all their creative to a guy in Bombay:
pandabank-logo.jpg
Not bad for $89.
At PandaBank, we know your money is like a child to you: It has a lot of germs and you want it to grow quickly. Plus, burning it is illegal.
PandaBank knows you have other choices when it comes to banking, and we’re working hard to stop that. If you live near Park and 38th, there’s a PandaBank branch near you.
We hope to see you soon. Stop in, and look for the guy with the most buttons on his hat.
Carl M. Peytonplace
Branch Manager & Barista


Previously

The day started like most do: My alarm clock made a terrible noise which I have grown to resent. As always, Omar the cat with the not-so-good learning curve waited to get underfoot so I …