Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The I’m Not Diddy Report

Hello. Today is Friday the 19th of May, 2006 and this is the I’m Not Diddy Report.
The I’m Not Diddy Report was apparently necessitated by the March 2005 posting of A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs. This post, coupled with Banterist’s high Google rank for “Diddy” searches and the generally piss-poor reading and satire comprehension skills of today’s youth, has resulted in the impression among many young adults that I am Diddy, and that Banterist is a Diddysite.
However, in the same way that Swift’s Modest Proposal was not actually recommending we eat children, A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs was not actually an attempt by Diddy to get you to vote for TiVo. In no way was Diddy attempting to make contact with his audience. And when you email this website, you are not reaching Diddy’s personal inbox, or assistant, but rather some guy in Manhattan whose heart sinks at the sorry command of satire that exists among our future voters and G-units.
Therefore, be advised the following messages did not reach Mr. Diddy, and presumably won’t ever do so unless he develops a hankering for humor and stumbles across this site while Googling himself – the odds of which seem slimmer than a Smiths reunion:
From: philblack1988
hi
i justwanna get in touch with p.diddy for an important bussiness
thank you bye
Diddy’s presumed response: It’s Diddy now, not P. Diddy. No.
From: LaffyTaffyGrl911
Dear P-Diddy
Hi we are the Mid-Penn Motion AAU basketball team. We resently just went to regionals in Philly and came in 4th place and the tourtement only takes only takes 4 teams to Nationals. So we just made it. Nationals is in Ohio and were not the richest team so we were wandering if you could make a donation of some sort. To help this team go to Ohio. If you do you get your name on the shooting jersey and a plaque with a picture of the team on it. This would help the team so much and just would be great. We respect your decision and hope that you can help us out. Thankyou
From Mid-Penn Motion AAU Basketball Team
Diddy’s presumed response: It’s Diddy now. Send photos of you ladies.
From: tamika_murphy
hey p-diddy my name is tamika and i just wanna ask u a question i have a friend that make music his name is mike but he calls hisself exclusive and he has been doing this for a while but i told him to believe in his self. so do u think that u can listen to it please just email me to let me know ok. i love u pdiddy
Diddy’s presumed response: It’s Diddy now. What’s wrong with you people? Don’t you read my press releases? I have a PR bitch on retainer. Yeah, he has to believe in his self. Send photos.
From: gnisfajes
I LUV WHAT YOU DO; PDIDDY I ALSO LUV EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. DON;T WORRY I WON;T EVER STAWK YOU BECAUSE THAT IS NOT MY STYLE I THINK THATS’ FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE NOTHING TO DO.PDIDDY I THINK YOU DESERVE EVERY AWARD OUT THERE THAT IS MADE EXCEPT FOR THE PHD AWARD BECAUSE YOU ARE MOST DEFINENTLY NOT THAT INFACT YOU TRY HELP EVERYONE.PDIDDY I WOULD LUV TO MEET YOU ONEDAY JUST NOT RIGHT NOW .I FEEL VERY UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE LET ME SHAPE MYSELF UP FOR YOU.
Diddy’s presumed response: Hold up. Did I or did I not issue a press release stating I was just Diddy now? You want to piss Diddy off, you doing it. Best you drop that P right now, like I requested months ago, or I’m going to have some bad boy entertainment on your face. And when you shape yourself up for me, send photos. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go mumble over Neil Young’s shit new single.


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