Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Enraged Bouncers – FAQ

bouncer trouble.jpg
With yet another bouncer killing yet another bar patron, New Yorkers – at least the ones who go out and drink a lot – are understandably frightened and want answers.
What’s the difference between a doorman and a bouncer?
A doorman resolves conflicts using witty repartee and vague references to his martial arts training. A bouncer resolves conflicts by peppering you with hollow-points.
Should I be scared of enraged bouncers?
Not really. Being murdered by an enraged bouncer only affects people who patronize bars where they might not be let in. The easiest way to avoid enraged bouncers is by patronizing establishments that don’t have them, such as Old Town or Hooters. Pretty much anyplace that serves wings.
What kind of person goes to an establishment where they might not let you in?
The ‘in’ crowd, ironically. And my friend Dave, for whom 98% of all women are morbidly obese. And in general – people who feel very important when a guy with a high school equivalency degree, headset and a clipboard deigns to allow them to pass a velvet barrier.
Are all bouncers enraged?
No. There are good bouncers, like TJ the seven foot tall black guy at Flatiron who makes me feel like a dwarven Jewish lawyer. He’s as nice as they get, but if he snaps we’re all terribly screwed.
Can you quell my fears with some kind of reassuring statistic about not being killed by an enraged bouncer?
You have a better chance of Heidi Klum attacking you with Seal’s loofah as you’re accepting an Oscar for Bush Is Awesome: The Movie.
Should I just stop going out?
Only if you want to be well-rested and save money. But if you change your lifestyle to accommodate enraged bouncers, then the enraged bouncers have already won.
Are enraged bouncers the alligator attacks that bird flu was?
If you’re talking about the latest media talking point, no. Bouncers are apparently really starting to go nuts.
Shouldn’t bar owners be responsible for not hiring people prone to murdering their clientele?
You would think, but profiling individuals simply because of their background as burly, hair-trigger gatekeepers of the shady world of New York club life is un-American.
What’s the closest you’ve come to an enraged bouncer?
A high-strung friend called one a ‘faggot’ once, though to the bouncer’s credit he only said “Now you’re definitely not getting in” instead of shooting us to death.
What’s the best way to handle an enraged bouncer?
An enraged bouncer is like Harry Belafonte in that he’s going to say and do things he will regret later – but he’s not rational at that moment. Your best bet is to make like Paul McCartney and amicably part ways. If that doesn’t work, you can die knowing the odds are pretty good the guy will get caught.
What’s enraging these enraged bouncers?
Many bouncers are upset about the Sarbanes-Oxley act. They feel it’s created a gigantic paper trail that has crippled businesses and created more problems than it solved. Others are simply guys plagued with doubts and insecurities – in particular they’re unsure if their Chris Daughtry votes for American Idol were ever actually counted. But most are just plum nuts.


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