Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Odyssey Dawn Belongs On Charlie Sheen’s Sofa

Odyssey Dawn sounds like a porn star name. I’m not quite sure why they went that route. It seems to buck the trend of naming military operations something that kind of makes sense. Desert Storm makes sense. Uphold Democracy makes sense. Provide Comfort makes sense. Odyssey Dawn? Porn star name. Naming military operations is something…




I Was In Vietnam Too: A True Story

I’ll never forget the one afternoon we found ourselves surrounded by what we assume was Viet Cong. We were in the cafeteria at Harvard, preparing for what we in the military call “grub”: sirloin steak, mashed potatoes, truffled string beans, some lobster bisque, salad, Key Lime pie and Jello.


Somebody Saw Something, Said Something

I know, I know. New York is a target and the terrorists hate our freedoms (but I’m certain they love our foreign policy) and something terrible is bound to happen in the city some day. Yes, and there’s not much you can do about a determined, evil person who has opted to engage in martyrdom…





Playmobil Re-Enactments: Kind of Dubai-ous

“Dubai’s police chief said on Monday that an 11-person team of trained killers with European passports carried out the mysterious assassination of a senior Hamas official last month in a Dubai hotel.” [New York Times]


A Trillion For Your Thoughts

After the recent release of the 2011 Federal Budget there was no shortage of complaints from all over the political spectrum. Of course, one of the biggest grumbles is that it’s 192 pages of incredibly boring fiscal drudgery. The fix? Make it entertaining! Some of America’s top entertainers offer their ideas on how the Office…


Panel Report: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

From the onset, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy established seventeen years ago under the Clinton Administration has been controversial. Over the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs…


Al Complaina: Osama Speaks

Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America’s complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization’s desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first time Al Qaeda’s opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort zone in order to…


Runners-up to Hopenhagen

Although Hopenhagen is the ultimate winner in the UN Climate Change Conference contest, we should certainly acknowledge the other great cities of the world that didn’t make the cut: Optimemphis Moscwow Glimmerick Wishtanbul Dusseldream Budabest Beliepzig Prayjing Detroit


This seems like a remarkable Photoshop opportunity

If we lived in North Korea we wouldn’t dare say anything about this photograph which was taken of their Dear Leader at the Dongbong collective farm (snicker, snicker). Instead, we’d be afraid of being sent with our families to a labor camp. And so we’d be forced to bite our lip and put on one…


How the Smart Grid is Different

Aware what the apostrophe is for and exactly when its use is called for. Knows not to place all its capital in one mysterious hedge fund. Can name the capitals of all fifty American states and eleven Canadian provinces. Able to draw from a large pool of memorized quotes. Speaks French fluently in the sense…


Michael Jackson Is All That Is Happening

So, you have the mayor of a city that can’t afford it in a state that is bankrupt, spending a fortune on a memorial service for a musician who just a couple weeks ago was pretty much considered a laughing stock by lots of people. Just can’t beat it.


Oh, Child Left Behind

I suppose this is exactly the kind of quote we should expect to see in an article about how 60% of the 8th graders at one Chicago school won’t be going on to 9th grade: “It’s horrible because these kids were under the impression they were graduating, and they let them know at the last…