Banterist - The Apple iPad

From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

The Apple iPad

Meet iPad, the newest innovation from Apple, designed exclusively for your dad.

With its minimal learning curve, iPad eliminates the potential for trouble and helps your dad answer those recurring questions once and for all. Say goodbye to Where did the browser go? How does this shut off? and Why is it asking me for a password? With iPad, that won't happen. Ever. Because iPad was engineered with ease of use in mind. That means less frustration for your dad, and less time spent coaching him on force-quitting Internet Explorer.

iPad maximizes productivity. Since there's no cursor, your dad won't spend seven minutes searching for it.

iPad comes in two colors: white and yellow, and two styles: regular and college rule. The wide range of third-party pens and pencils means your dad can accessorize iPad exactly to his tastes. No iPad is the same, except for the ones that are!

iPad Features:

Ease of Use
iPad's operating system eliminates the confusion of folders and disk hierarchies. Retrieving files no longer involves calling you for help. Instead, your dad simply has to check his jacket pocket.

Unlimited Storage Capacity
iPad can be placed in a desk, briefcase or glove compartment.

Word Processing
Your dad will be up and running instantly with iPad's powerful word processing system. iWrite is completely user-friendly and relies on your dad's own handwriting recognition capabilities. iWrite is capable of handling any language, any font, any time.

Graphic Design
Every iPad comes with the ability to draw pictures - limited only by your dad's creativity and skill.

Scheduling
iPad's scheduling system is easy to use. Your dad simply writes down where he has to be and at what time. Then he looks at his watch to determine what time he should leave to get there.

Communication
Whether your dad wants to reach a friend across the street or across the globe, all he has to do is compose his message, place it in an iVelope, drive to the Post Office and send it.

Powerful Internet Connectivity
No.

iPad Requirements:
Flat surface
Lead or ink

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So, we've all heard that I'm leaning heavily towards trying to get one of those new Mac Mini's, but this is another alternatives. Check it out....

Trackbacked from iPad on A day in the life of.......

I might have to pick up one of these for my dad. Ease of Use iPad's operating system eliminates the confusion of folders and disk hierarchies. Retrieving files no longer involves calling you for help. Instead, your dad simply has to check his jacke...

Trackbacked from The new iPad from Apple on Robby Russell - Blog.

BoingBoing reader Gary Kemble says, Inspired by "Get a First Life" I've developed P-mail: Paper-based e-mail. Print out the template, write to your friends, and 'post' the letter! P-Mail: 'It's like e-mail, only slower' Link Reader comment: Marilyn Te...

Trackbacked from P-mail: Paper-based messaging. Like email but slower! on Boing Boing.

Comments

This is brilliant. I'm sending this to my MacAddict sister, STAT.

Posted by: Brad | January 17, 2005 10:40 PM

hilarious!

Posted by: carolyn | January 19, 2005 10:00 AM

After several long-distance phone tutorials on Outlook Express and deep concern over "the curser changing to a hand", my father-in-law finally enjoyed this. I think. He called to tell me he sent an email saying as much, but I haven't gotten it yet.

Posted by: Tommy | January 25, 2005 9:23 PM

i'll take two.

Posted by: charlie | October 16, 2005 5:03 AM

Love it. No power plug. No batteries. I am sending this to my Mom. I will probably be in trouble.

Posted by: Gregg | October 16, 2005 9:57 AM

Taxired would just love one of those ~~~ when will Ipad be available to UK customers

Posted by: Jambo | October 22, 2005 6:36 PM

Works for me :)

Posted by: greywulf | January 23, 2007 6:58 AM

I tried to teach dad, but when he loudly insisted we did not have to recharge the laptop battery because "the man came and put in wireless"... something in me gave up.

[ Wireless means "Tesla generator" to him, perhaps. -B. ]

Posted by: GLM | January 23, 2007 8:22 AM

Very funny stuff.

But, one thing that isn't funny is that it may not be for dad only. I'm a technology pro with over 25 years experience and I find myself being drawn back into the analog world. I was concerned that I was unable to communicate by the written word unless I had a keyboard in front of me. I had lost the ability to effectively structure my thoughts with a pencil that was in any way resembling what I was able to do with a keyboard.

So, this year I decided to at least make a go of it and see what happens. I don't expect miracles, but I do hope to at least address the issue.

When this is all finished, I may order one of your iPads. ;)

Posted by: Frank Black | January 23, 2007 9:03 AM

No top perferation? No unruled model? Only two colors?

L A M E

Posted by: joecab | January 23, 2007 10:20 AM

Kinko's in the crosshairs! Apple to sue Kinko's, claiming that the only possible use for Kinko's is the slow, manual distribution of protected iPad content.

Posted by: Tim F | January 23, 2007 4:02 PM

I purchased an Ipad as soon as the stores opened. ground breaking technology indeed.
Unfortunately it refuses to accept data from my existing pens and pencils, requiring purchase of Ipencils, Ipen, and Iink.
Then I tried to erase or delete a pencilled sketch and was told that in order to have this functionality, I'd have to buy Iraser, or Irubber.
I've even had to purchase Ippex.
And then, transferring some older, biomemory based materials from my onboard 'brain'storage unit, the Ipad converted the data format to its own proprietory file system, and said my eyes were not licensed to access the data.
Calling the Ipad helpdesk, I was informed the only solution would be enucleation, and the replacement of my optical apparatus with Ieyes.
It's getting a little expensive. But I'm booked in for the Ihand operation in february.

Posted by: soubriquet | January 23, 2007 5:05 PM

I use the best of two worlds: the IO2 pen from Logitech. Works as a standard ballpoint pen on (almost) ordinary paper, and everything I write is synced with my laptop. I get a backup copy of all my hand written notes on my laptop, and I can use Google desktop to search for my hand written notes.

Posted by: Bo P | January 24, 2007 4:52 AM

We use rocks for our cave-paintings here in Norway. Will there be a v2.0 with rock compatibility?

Posted by: Rasmus | January 24, 2007 5:04 AM

this one was done a while back:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hipster_PDA

Posted by: Derek | June 9, 2007 9:38 AM

my dauther was playing .she laked my ipad now i can`t opened it .what can i do?

[ I imagine your options are limited. -B. ]

Posted by: heather | September 27, 2007 7:51 AM

I OPENED MY IPAD IN COMPUTER BUT NOW IT NOT READS THE FILES! WHAT CAN I DO?

Posted by: EBRAHAM | January 14, 2008 10:27 PM

i have samthing in my ipad

Posted by: emmanuelldak | June 5, 2008 3:48 AM

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Posted by: rfmgotv pexi | March 21, 2009 12:36 PM

...until, of course, he leaves it on top of the car and drives away, as mine did with his $800 engineering calculator... Of course, it would be easily and cheaply replaced.

Posted by: Mudhooks | March 26, 2009 7:09 PM

I think someone owes someone a lot of money! Want to buy me a new TV with your new fortune? I hate having to get up to change the channel.

Posted by: Alexander | January 28, 2010 1:16 AM

I thought all TVs have had remotes since the mid-19th Century.

-B.

Posted by: Brian | January 28, 2010 10:58 AM