Honey, honey. Happy Anniversary. I bought you the Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee. I love you.
Wait, don’t make a face like that. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “What will I do with an animatronic monkey?” “Why would you buy an animatronic monkey for my anniversary?” “What were you thinking when you purchased an animatronic monkey from the Sharper Image?”
Trust me, honey, there’s a reason I bought the Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee. And never forget that I love you.
Honey, first of all, this is a Sharper Image Worldwide Exclusive. You can’t get it anywhere else. It’s unique. Just like the ball that said “Fuhgeddaboudit” when squeezed. But this is no talking squeeze-ball. It’s a life-like animated rubber bust of a chimpanzee that I suppose I’ll put on the table over there.
Honey, I love you. The Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee has four distinctive moods: “Curious”, “Happy”, “Fearful” and “Feisty” – so in many ways he’s just like me. When I’m away you can look at the rubber monkey bust on the table – or maybe bookshelf – and think of your husband and our love.
And when I get home, I can trigger the monkey’s moods with a remote control. It will be great, honey, because you can say something and I can tell you to look at the monkey to see how I feel about what you said. For example, when I come home with a $150 animatronic rubber monkey bust and place it on the table and you start cursing me, I can press the “Fearful” button. You will see the fear I feel, but you will see it expressed through the soulful eyes of a rubber chimp.
Honey, I don’t want you to think this is another pointless toy built by baffled Asians and destined for the attic. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is not Robosapien or a Lightsaber. This is a monkey, and we came from monkeys. His appearance is remarkably lifelike! Even the catalog will tell you it was painstakingly crafted to exacting standards. Do you have any idea how exacting the standards are for a rubber monkey head? Very. I’m sure of it.
I love you, honey. I think the Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee is the ultimate anniversary gift. We’re going to learn together what it’s like to be in the presence of a chimpanzee. And his soulful eyes track movement, so as we walk around the living room together it will be like someone else, a rubber monkey, is experiencing our lives with us.
Best of all, for $29.95 the three-year replacement guarantee insures that our robotic chimp will be with us for at least three years. Looking down at us from the bookshelf, or maybe the table. Maybe the counter by the phone. He’ll be there, sensing our presence, twitching, reacting, surprising guests. It will be great, as long as we keep his batteries charged.
Happy anniversary, honey. I love you.
Look at the rubber monkey head. I’ll press the button to show you how happy I am.
Sweet, now I can finish my Christmas shopping.
I want a monkey! That thing is funny as hell.
By jove, Armageddon is upon us or I’m a monkey’s uncle!!
Those were my exact thoughts when I looked through the Sharper Image catalog.
Sweet fancy Moses, that thing is rivaled only by Real Doll in its creepiness.
I, too, recently happened upon this ridiculous monkey at a local Sharper Image. I’m sure anyone who has purchased one thus far already rates it as a top 10 “life regret.” That expensive and you don’t even get a whole monkey–just the head? Even the most simple-minded attention spans will get no more than 5 minutes’ satisfaction from this device. I love Sharper Image, but you’ve got to question the thinking behind this product.
I clicked on the link, of course I cliked on the link.
The first thing that jumped out at me?
Purchase a Second For: $119.96
Um, ok. Sure.
Actually, it is now on sale for $119.96 …. could they NOT be selling? Nah, couldn’t be.
That is the scariest fucking thing I have ever seen.
Had planned on buying one for hubby because, you know, The Monkey would show how much I love him. Then I read this and realized I’d almost lost my mind. Pointedly made husband read Banterist to confirm bad idea. He agreed. But now it’s on sale….and it really is a unique way to say “I love you”. Must resist Sharper Image monkey bait.
How on earth does it depict ‘feisty’?
[ My guess would be groping, but due to the absence of arms I’ll have to assume it makes ‘come hither’ monkey lips. -B. ]
The rubber monkey was never intended as a gift item for couples, married or otherwise. It was designed with singles in mind. That’s why it has the ‘feisty’ option.
Don’t kid yourselves. The screaming monkey head doubles as a vibrator.
i got this thing for christmas and the control and motion sensors dont work! although it would be entertaining if it worked and you are easily distracted :D
My girlfriend got this from her mom, for Christmas. Her immediate reaction, upon opening the package, was a loud and displeased “OH MY GOD.”
“I got it for you because you like robots!” her mom helpfully explained.
The chimp-head stared at her silently, through glazed eyes.
It is one of the most terrifying gifts I have ever seen.
Brian, I hope you got one for Christmas just so I can read your Ebay listing when you try to sell it.
i’m naming mine Hojo!
I’m got this for my brother for christmas but first I’m going to pretend to give it to my wife. If she looks closely she’ll see the $6000 diamond earrings it’s wearing! Got it on sale at the Sharper Image for $59.95
Check this out..!! john mayer with the monkey!!!