In the wake of James Frey’s comeuppance on Oprah, and with my own memoir of hardship, addiction and persecution heading to press, I feel it behooves me to come clean now.
Chapter One
Rather than “I stormed the beaches of Normandy” I should have said “I walked out to the water line 50 years later to get a D-Day soldier’s perspective.” I’m sorry if “stormed” suggested otherwise.
Though “I suffer from poliosis” sounds serious, it actually means premature graying of the hair. I am expected to recover.
I never met “the Bachelorette” and did not “high-five her with Sidney Poitier.”
Chapter Two
My friend Karl and I did not overdose on a combination of cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy. We shared a bottle of Shiraz and fell asleep watching The Suite Life with Zack and Cody.
When I said “some of my best ideas came while walking between classes at Harvard” I did not mean to suggest I attended Harvard.
I was not “abused” as a child, but my father never let me win at Monopoly.
Chapter Three
I did not lose a sister to Cat Scratch Fever.
My boxer is named Rommel, but he was not a member of the Bow Wow Wermarcht and Hitler never threw VolkSnacks at him.
My uncle did not invent a hover tractor.
Chapter Four
I did not call Monika Lewinsky a “tubby tartlet” to her face. Rather, I was across the street and muttering to myself.
I “dined with Donald Trump at Nobu” in the sense that he was at another table talking to Mark Burnett. I do not wish to give the impression they know me.
The statement that I “slept with” 118 women in one night was a rough estimate based on the number of guests at the Holiday Inn. It was not meant to suggest I was in the same room with them.
Chapter Five
My only knowledge of the Kamchatka Peninsula comes from playing Risk, and therefore most of my travel tips will not be helpful.
By “I had a large group of followers” I meant people behind me on the escalator at Best Buy. Not necessarily people who revered me.
The only evidence that I am the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln came from a ditzy tarot reader and not “a government think tank.”
Chapter Six
I am a billionaire only if you convert dollars to Mozambique Meticais.
My understanding of twelve-step recovery programs comes from something I heard on NPR while driving in the rain, not from actually attending them for eight years.
I do not operate Raven Riley’s Webcam, and she does not “pay me in coochie.”
Chapter Seven
You can disregard this chapter as I was never a bishop.
Chapter Eight
De Gaulle did not “hit on me at a rockin’ bat mitzvah.”
I was indeed named after Irish king Brian Boru, but there’s no evidence he’s my grandpa.
The Pop Rocks Kid did not die in my tree fort.
Chapter Nine
The term “gonzo journalism” was not coined by Madonna.
When I said I accidentally ran over a cop, I neglected to mention that I was playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
When I said I grew up in the ‘hood and know what it’s like to be black, I neglected to mention I was playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
Chapter Ten
“Made out with Heidi Klum” is misleading. It was a peck on the cheek, and her name was Velda Ross.
Para-sailing in Cancun does not qualify me to call myself a stuntman.
Usher is not afraid of me.
Chapter Eleven
My grandmother did not bequeath me an Orc Sword.
“I have a fleet of cars at my disposal, 24/7” is a reference to taxis.
Steven Seagal and I were not in the CIA.
Chapter Twelve
“Let’s do this” is not a phrase I hold the copyright to.
It’s possible “an orgy of gruesome decadence” is a little heavy-handed when describing the purchase of an overpriced organic lemon at Whole Foods.
I do not have a memoir.
Yes, but did you lose a cat to Sister Scratch Fever?
Lovely!
Gold nuggets, each and every one.
Haha, solid gold!
In the spirit of the week, I should confess that I am not a “guru to deckchairs” – but a lazy sod who thinks too much…
This Morning in James Frey
• Publisher Nan Talese says she was tricked into going on Oprah. She had agreed to go on an episode…
Awesome. Truly. I created a book cover for James Frey.
Click me
Thanks for the laugh.
Do you mean “high five” in the sense of “Eiffel Tower”?
You know, I think that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Its gonna come out , say for instance, that Lnace Armstrong didn’t have ball cancer, it was really just a slight case of jock itch.
If only there was something in MY memoirs to retract
Since the blogosphere isn’t done giving James Frey what he deservestalking about James Frey, please pay homage to the brilliance of Banterist, who came clean about his memoirs: Lookit.[Via Gawker]…
Damn right your uncle didn’t invent any hover tractor. My mum did, though. It was pretty good.
not as good as pinkerton
http://www.cracked.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=131
[ That would seem to depend on the comedic weight one gives ass & crotch-related humor. -B. ]
FWIW, I find the lack of ass and crotch jokes here refreshing
Steven Seagal wesn’t in the CIA? Damn.
One of the best things I’ve read all day, and I’ve only just logged onto the internet!
Did you see SNL Saturday Night? They ripped off your idea.
[ Nope. I like comedy. -B. ]
Perhaps you should write a memoir. A lot of really traumatic and exciting things didn’t happen to you. That’s worth writing about.
You are funny.
…looking
[ For comedy in the Muslim world? -B. ]
Thank you for your candor. Your bravery inspired me to come clean about some of my embellishments of my personal history. Click here to read.
Dear BSack: I read yours humor first with gleeness and then for shame.
Now, I myself, Mr. Mbutu, must admit I have made for some false claims in recent email prospects which are been sent to you.
I am not Consulate General Directorship of Nigerian Secretary of Treasurer.
I do not have $13,600,000 in a Special Account held for escrowing after thepassing of Dr. Reinghold.
His relatives could have bee found should he be existing and I will not be the needing of your bankaccount and fax information.
I apologize for my distruths and offer you to purchase V-1aGRa at price half below retail as re-compense for my shameness.
If interested, please to send bank and fax info godspeed to taking advantage.
Yours – Mr. Mbutu