Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Ultimate Wealth-Building Pitch Letter

Dear Friend,
For some people “a day at the office” involves getting up when they want, keeping their pajamas on, brewing some coffee… and making money. Lots and lots of money.
No commute. No boss. No suit.
How is it some folks slave away daily and live paycheck to paycheck while others bring in $30,000… $100,000… even $500,000 a week by working right from home?
Wouldn’t you like to be one of those people?
Of course you would. Be your own boss. Call your own shots. Use Prada socks like napkins. Live the life most folks only dream of.
Imagine living that life. And imagine it was truly simple to do it.
Let me guess… My pitch sounds a little too familiar. You’re wondering if I’ve mastered the stock market. Perhaps I’m selling a multi-level marketing scheme. Or maybe I advocate buying huge quantities of gold?
No, no and no.
My method of wealth-building is unique and ingenious.
What is it?, you’re asking. Why is my career booming while you work yourself ragged from 9-to-5?
The answer: I have laser beam eyes.
It’s a fact. Light builds up in my optical nerves and exits in a highly-concentrated stream via my pupils, which have 900X magnifying corneas. I can look through a quarter inch of steel in eight seconds.
I can down a blimp, and that’s a great feeling of power.
But it’s not about raw power – the power to vaporize puppies. It’s about applying that power to one of the greatest wealth-building strategies of all time.
I share my secrets with you in Pathways To Wealth For People With Laser Beam Eyes.
Do you have any idea what people will pay you to not look at their grandma? Do you know how much money there is to be made in threatening a glance at banks or federal office buildings? Do you know what a mother will pay to keep your eyes from melting her child?
I do. And you will too.
Make money by not showing up to sporting events or yacht races. Just mention you’re in the mood to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art – and you’ll find your children’s tuition is paid for. Fly First Class anywhere in the world totally free as long as you promise to keep your complimentary sleeping blindfold on the whole time.
You can even demand that Melrose Place actress Lisa Rinna make pasta for you. Every day. Wearing only boxing gloves and a swastika.
I did. It’s really that easy. When you have high-powered lasers for eyes the world is your oyster.
The life you want is right there. It’s waiting for you. It can be yours with a little know-how. You don’t even need a college degree. All you need is to trust my wealth-building program – and a a small operation that results in you having a pair of laser beam eyes.
How does that look to you?
Send me $450 today for the introductory lesson. You’ll learn the basics of having laser beam eyes. Then, every month I’ll provide you with additional insight. That will go on for several months. I’ll bill you what I want to, whenever I feel like it.
Once you’ve graduated from my program and had the surgery, you’ll receive a Certificate of Accomplishment that lets the world know you’ve completed my course. And that you now have laser beam eyes.
Don’t look at it.
Now… for the skeptics. As amazing as this offer is, I know that some people out there – hopefully not you – will say “No.”
That’s okay. People make mistakes. Will Smith turned down The Matrix. Studios passed on the original Star Wars. Travolta made Battlefield Earth.
But if you think you’re that person, the person who is going to say “No” let me ask you this: Don’t you want to be rich? And if you don’t: Do you want me to come over and look at your mother?
I think you’ll agree that Pathways To Wealth For People With Laser Beam Eyes is as innovative and rewarding as it is mandatory. If not, you’ll be amazed to learn that vertebrae are like butter when introduced to my laser beam eyes.
I look forward to hearing from you.


Previously

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