Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Twelve Days of eBay

DAY 1
WOW! Mint condition partridge in pear tree **NO RESERVE**
You are bidding on a partridge in a pear tree. The partridge is self-feeding as it lives on pears. Very low maintenance too because he fertilizes the tree. Just needs water on occasion. The pears are delicious if you can wrangle one from the partridge. I would keep it but my lease forbids more than one pet and I have a cat. Recommend insurance because I don’t know how well DHL ships birds.
DAY 2
Take-a-L@@K!!!!! Turtle doves, pair. Awesome present!!!!
Two white turtle doves. Great present for a couple of love “birds”! White, black eyes, good health. They are easy going and very quiet for the most part. Sorry, I am unable to answer any questions about feeding, care, etc., because they were a gift and did not come with instructions. I would keep them but my cat is freaking out and I’m already in violation of my lease.
DAY 3
Imported hens, no reserve, Check It Out!
You are bidding on three chickens from France. They need a farm environment more than my New York apartment. I do not know if they are male or female, sorry. They are very friendly and inquisitive but not a good idea if you have a cat or lease restrictions. Bid away!
DAY 4
SINGING BIRDS!!!! MUST SEE! MUST HEAR!!!!
This is a gorgeous family of four birds. If you love birdsongs, these birds will not disappoint. I must sell them because my lease is in jeopardy as I have too many pets and the beautiful birdsongs travel through the bathroom vent and upset the angry lawyer in 4G.
DAY 5
Collection of rings. Never worn.
You are bidding on five rings. They are gold. I do not know much more about them as they are a gift from my boyfriend. They’re pretty nondescript, like the ring from the Hobbit. I would keep them but honestly I need the extra money for birdseed. Also, they are sized for small fingers and mine are swollen because I’m allergic to chickens.
Day 6
*no reserve* Suuuuuper-fertile geese *no reserve*
These six geese must be females because they keep making eggs! If you are looking to break into geese farming or already are a geese farmer, this would be an excellent addition to your flock (gaggle?) as they are very productive. Must sell at any price because they’re taking up my bedroom and the cat is panicked.
Day 7
BIG Box of swans
These swans love the water! They have overwhelmed my bathtub and really need a more open space. I can’t use my bathroom and the landlord knows something is up. Shipping is not included and should be discussed because I’m not sure the best way to send swans. They have big feet.
Day 8
Female Dairy Workers
PLEASE! Keep all your comments about indentured servitude to yourself. These women were a GIFT and I am selling them because my apartment has only one futon. They seem pleasant enough but YOU NEED COWS otherwise they sit around all day and complain about the swan droppings.
Day 9
Dancers —-no reserve—-
SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY. These ladies will put on a cool show like Riverdance at your command but you are TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for their food, lodging and entertainment after that. Frankly, I’m not that big into dance and one of them stepped on my cat. Free shipping – they’ll walk.
Day 10
Hyperactive Nobility — SEE FOR YOURSELF—
This is a collection of ten rich guys who love to party! If you have kids this could be the ULTIMATE gift because they jump around all day (noble privilege). Be advised: they complain about everything, don’t like cats, and they won’t stop harassing your milkmaids. Must be well-fed and filled with brandy at all times or they’ll complain about you during their afternoon tea.
Day 11
L@@K!!! PIPERS PIPING L@@K!!!
These guys have GOT TO GO because the angry lawyer in 4G is threatening to get me evicted. They are MEGA talented and can really get your lords jumping and ladies dancing – which is great unless you have hardwood floors. Please, BID!
Day 12
A Dozen Drummers
I just broke up with my boyfriend, received an eviction notice and my cat ran away. Do I need a dozen guys banging drums around my house? No. Totally nerve-racking, and not one of them offered to help carry my futon down the stairs. No reserve price. Lot includes drums and tall Nutcracker hats.


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