Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Platinum MetroCard

metrocardplatinum.jpg

Underneath the streets of New York is a world of luxury, privilege and service. The Platinum MetroCard is your invitation to be part of it. With its unique privileges and outstanding benefits, the Platinum MetroCard is perfectly tailored to fit the lifestyle of those folks who are successful, yet still have to take mass transit.
You’ll not only enjoy all the traditional benefits standard MetroCard holders enjoy, you’ll also enjoy unprecedented class and service. The subway is your oyster.
Member Benefits:
MTA Miles
Every dollar you spend is a mile earned, redeemable for tissues and gum.
Elite service
You’ll board the train first. And you’re guaranteed a seat without a hobo or sticky residue on it.
Peace of Mind
Leave your bags unattended in the station or on the train without consequence. And if you see something, you don’t have to say something. (Si ves algo, no problemo)
Exclusive benefits
Upon entering the station, you’ll be handed free newspapers for your reading pleasure courtesy of Metro News or A.M.
Comfort
Your seat is your own. You can relax knowing you don’t have to surrender it to the elderly or pregnant.
Hygiene
If you accidentally touch the handrail, just ask your steward for a complimentary antibacterial towelette.
Public Address? Not for you.
The conductor will personally tell you where the train is headed – audibly, in clear and understandable English.
Hassle-free travel
While waiting for your train, take advantage of the Platinum MetroCard member booths in stations where they haven’t been closed.
Honesty
No rehearsed sob stories from panhandlers. They’ll tell you straight out they need money for drugs.
Perks
Complimentary nuts roaming through the train, and a chance to purchase batteries for $1 from the roving Duty Free guy.
Service
An experienced MetroCard Swiping Assistant will swipe your card for you, so you can concentrate on other things.
Freedom
Take videos and pictures on the subway without being interrogated.
Feel at home
Upon arriving at your station, the superintendent of that station will greet you on a first-name basis.
Save time
Expedite your station entrance and exit via the Platinum member turn-style.
Entertainment
Free live shows for your pleasure, from the sleeping heroin addict to the untalented saxophonist with AIDS.
Exclusive events
Be among the first to ride the Second Avenue subway line when it debuts in 2033.
A world of subway privilege awaits. Don’t put it off any longer. To apply for the Platinum MetroCard, stand near any station entrance and tell people you’ve arrived.


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