Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Next Nigerian Email Experiment

In the intitial Nigerian Email Experiement, I decided to take the scammer up on his offer to wire $35,000,000 to me. I began an exchange with “Dr. Abu” that lasted a considerable time considering my correspondence as “Michael Bloomberg” was frequently nonsensical, and I had thought, obvious.
Eventually Dr. Abu and I lost contact. To heal my broken heart, I decided to engage a new scammer who identifies himself as “Dr. Zulu.” The good doctor hails, allegedly, from South Africa this time. His Modus Operandi is the same: He wants my bank account info in order to wire me $26,500,000 this time.
I love the fact that these guys always claim to be doctors. Even better that he chose the name “Doctor Zulu.”
Our adventure starts on 25 October with the receipt of the following email:


From: DR. ZULU
Subject: STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL & URGENT.
Date: 25 October 2003
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL & URGENT.
TEL: 871 – *********
FAX: 871 – *********
TEL: 27 – **********
Dear Sir,
I am Dr. Zulu, a native of Cape Town in South Africa and I am an Executive
Accountant with the South Africa Department of Mining & Natural Resources.
First and foremost, I apologized using this medium to reach you for a
transaction/business of this magnitude, but this is due to Confidentiality
and prompt access reposed on this medium. Be informed that a member of the
South Africa Export Promotion Council (SEPC) who was at the Government
delegation to your country during a trade exhibition gave your enviable
credentials/particulars to me. I have decided to seek a confidential
co-operation with you in the execution of the deal described hereunder for
the benefit of all parties and hope you will keep it as a top secret
because of the nature of this transaction.
Within the Department of Mining & Natural Resources where I work as an
Executive Accountant and with the cooperation of four other top officials,
we have in our possession as overdue payment bills totaling Twenty – Six
Million, Five Hundred Thousand U. S. Dollars ($26,500,000.) which we want
to transfer abroad with the assistance and cooperation of a foreign
company/individual to receive the said fund on our behalf or a reliable
foreign non-company account to receive such funds. More so, we are
handicapped in the circumstances, as the South Africa Civil Service Code
of Conduct does not allow us to operate offshore account hence your
importance in the whole transaction.
This amount $26.5m represents the balance of the total contract value
executed on behalf of my Department by a foreign contracting firm, which
we the officials over-invoiced deliberately. Though the actual contract
cost have been paid to the original contractor, leaving the balance in the
tune of the said amount which we have in principles gotten approval to
remit by Telegraphic Transfer (T.T) to any foreign bank account you will
provide by filing in an application through the Justice Ministry here in
South Africa for the transfer of rights and privileges of the former
contractor to you, hence provide me with your private/direct fax number
for the form to be send across to you.
I have the authority of my partners involved to propose that should you be
willing to assist us in the transaction, your share of the sum will be 25%
of the $26,.5 million, 70% for us and 5% for taxation and miscellaneous
expenses. The business itself is 100% safe, on your part provided you
treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. Also your area of
specialization is not a hindrance to the successful execution of this
transaction. I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will
not disappoint me. Endeavor to contact me immediately through my above
Tel/Fax number or
my e-mail address, whether or not you are interested in this deal. If you
are not, it will enable me scout for another foreign partner to carry out
this deal I want to assure you that my partners and myself are in a
position to make the payment of this claim possible provided you can give
us a very strong Assurance and guarantee that our share will be secured
and please remember to treat this matter as very confidential matter,
because we will not comprehend with any form of exposure as we are still
in active Government Service and remember once again that time is of the
essence in this business.
I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation.
Yours faithfully,
Dr. Zulu

The game is on! I draft an email to Dr. Zulu:

From: Cripsin Porter
Subject: Re: CONFIDENTIAL & URGENT.
Date: 29 October 2003
Hello Mister Zulu!
My name is Crispin Porter Bogusky, I am in receipt of your letter regarding your need for assistance with the transfer of the funds and whatnot.
I’m not sure how you got my email address – I am not involved with mining or natural resource operations, but did once send away for a Limp Bizkit cover band CD and I believe they hailed from Cape Town, so perhaps news of my trustworthiness had arrived to you via that route. Forthay!
I believe God does things for a reason, so when I receive an email from an unknown person far away who needs my assistance, I have to assume it is God sitting in the Heavens saying things like, “This man is a good man, he deserves good fortune and such and whatnot.” God works in mysterious ways, like a computer or hydraulic winch. There are things I believe we can not understand, or are not supposed to understand, or shouldn’t understand out of respect to our elders or whatnot.
I am very excited to hear your offer and would be very prepared to help you in any way I can. I do not completely understand the Telepathic Transfer you have mentioned, but I am willing to engage in training or whatnot because the amount of money we are talking about is considerable and worth the effort.
I have a very good feeling about you. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Crispin Porter Bogusky

I received this reply within an hour. As in my last Nigerian email experiment, the “official” correspondence comes from the equivalent of a Yahoo! account.

From: erik zulu
Subject: Confirm Message Thank You
Date: 29 October 2003
Dr. Zulu
Tel: 871- *** – ******
Fax: 871- *** – ******
Tel: 27- *********
Dear partner:
It will be appreciated if you can send me your direct/private telephone and fax numbers, for confidentiality to be maintained which is very important in this transaction.
Thank you for your message correspondence and your positive disposition towards assisting us in this project, however, after long deliberation by us; the members of the committee, I the undersigned have been nominated to continue discussion with you until the completion of this mutual beneficial project.
In brief, for us to initiate this said transaction properly, we need to file in application to the Department of Justice to legalize all documentation and make this project 100% risk free, thus it would not be viewed as terrorist money, laundering and drug money.
Consequently, we want to front you/your company as the new beneficiary of the sum of US$26.5 M. For the purpose of le! galizing the transaction, we shall procure the appropriate documents by incorporating any name you will give as an existing company over here in South Africa; we are going to register the name as a contractor here in my ministry.
Please, endeavour to call me immediately on my direct line, + 871-***-****** as soon as you are in receipt of this message for me to bring you into the complete picture of this mutual beneficial transaction as well as to intimate you on how we have put machinery and the modalities in place to achieve this goal in between 4 -5, bank working days.
Note: Please add your country international access code digit only before my numbers, e.g. ‘ 871-***-******.
I await your urgent response as time is of great essence to this transaction.
Thank you and God bless.
Best Regards,
Dr. Zulu
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA
INDEMNITY APPLICATION FORM FOR TRANSFER OF RIGHTS ! & PRIVILEGES
Date:
Under Ministerial Law of Section MBR/D/E-00SA
You are required to fill this form and return promptly to this office for final confirmation and procurement:
(A) Name of Applicant (Beneficiary):
………………………………………………..
(B) Address: ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(C) Phone: ……………………………………………………… Fax: …………………………………………………………………………………………
(D) Banker:…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(E) Banker’s Address: …………………….! …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
(F) Phone: ………………………………………………………..Fax: ………………………………………………………………………………………..
(G) Account No.: …………………………………………………. Sort Code: ……………………………………………………………………………
(H) Contract No.: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
(I) Amount words:
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
(J) Your Signature””””””’
FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY
CHECKING OFFICER: ……………………………….
AUTHORISING OFFICER:…………………………………………
SIGN: ………………………………………………………… SIGN…………………………………………………………………………
DATE………………………………………………………….. DATE: ……………………………………………………………………..
APPROVED BY: …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
SIGN: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Department of Justice has the right not to process a payment order presented with erasures and alterations. By the signature here against, the beneficiary recognizes having crosschecked and verified the above information.

I reply. I decide I want to convince him to send a photo of himself. I also conveniently forget to give him my telephone numbers. I attach a photo of “Crispin.”

Hello Dr. Zulu!
I apologize for the tardiness of my response (that means “late” in English!)
I tried to call you on your telephone lines, and I am having a dickens of a time! I keep getting strange messages and weird things that I assume come from African telephone lines. are they compatible with American telephones? There could be a problem where the lines can’t communicate because they come from different countries, like my Aunt Zelda can’t speak with Aunt Miram because they are from different countries. I do not know if your phones work this way. Perhaps??? Maybe this is terrorism but from what I understand South Africa has no such problems.
I don’t know but my gosh darn phones can’t call you! Perhaps you would like to call me? I think this may be easier for you but I don’t know how many hours away you are?? Don’t wake me up!
I will give you my tlephone and fax numbers to make this easier. Maybe you can figure out the ethanhawken phone system because I guess I am not smart enough to understand how to call South Africa! Hahaha!
Okay, well, let’s talk about this because I don’t want to lose such an opportunity as this! You can imagine I have already spent the money in my head! I can throw parties for dogs, or whatever I want to do.
I have attached a photo of me and my dog Delgo. I believe it is good to know who you are dealing with! What do you look like? I think short hair because my instincts tell me short hair? Am I correct!
Pleasantly,
Crispin Porter Bogusky
crispinandcujo.jpg

After some time, I have not received any response. Obviously Dr. Zulu will not provide the comedic return on investment that Dr. Abu provided in the original Nigerian Email Experiment.


Previously

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