Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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So, Why Are You Single?

single-advert.jpg

So, why are you single?

Doug: I tried all the traditional ways to meet people and they hadn’t worked for me. You know – the gym, library, bars, the workplace, chance encounters, Craigslist, subway, Match, Lavalife, MySpace, Meetup, J-Date, Second Life, street festivals, Obama rallies and the like. But then I saw this urine-stained advertisement printed on a semi-adhesive piece of paper and haphazardly slapped on the bottom of a light pole mount. It occurred to me that I hadn’t tried them yet.
What did you do?
Well, I’m unemployed and don’t have a pen, so I had a dilemma – do I just take the urine-stained advertisement printed on a semi-adhesive piece of paper and haphazardly slapped on the bottom of a light pole mount, or do I try and memorize the website address so that when I get to Tasti Delite I can log on and try them out?
What did you ultimately decide?
I memorized it using a technique I think I heard about called “association.” First I memorized NYC because that’s where my halfway house is located. Second, I memorized singles because it’s what I am, and I like Kraft cheese singles – especially the peeling away of the cellophane for every individual slice.
And then I had to remember the dot-thing. Now, most businesses are dot-com, but these guys aren’t. So I just remembered them by thinking “What organization advertises themselves via urine-stained advertisement printed on a semi-adhesive piece of paper and haphazardly slapped on the bottom of a light pole mount?” That seemed to work wonders.
What happened next?

I sat down, ordered a large Chemical Chocolate flavor Tasti Delite, and logged on. They asked for a phone number I could be reached at, like they used to do in 1991 before email and stuff helped expedite things. So I gave them the number of the payphone outside my halfway house. Luckily for me Verizon had just repaired the receiver which had been shattered weeks earlier by my bunkmate, One-Eye Todd.

What kind of people have you met?

Well they haven’t called yet. My guess is they’re not in the office but busy focusing on their advertising efforts. And let’s face it, there are a lot of piss-covered light poles in this city.


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