Dear Blue Marlin Clothing:
The ability to express oneself via clothing and/or bumper sticker is a very important right that the Founding Fathers may or may not have thought of. Regardless, it is our belief that Blue Marlin provides a valuable service by producing quality clothing, the wearing of which allows us to endorse various locales.
Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that the majority of the locales Blue Marlin offers us the chance to promote are terribly lame. To wit:
Cuba – Any country that rations soap and where buildings dissolve in rain… not so good.
Jamaica – Whores and pot, and everyone wants to braid your hair and sell you a sea shell they just picked up.
CCCP – The Soviet Union was not kitschy. For starters, white ice cream was called “vanilla” but had no flavoring because it was too expensive to import.
Mexico – There’s a reason folks keep moving from there, and it’s not because they’re psyched about gardening.
Tokyo – Up to no good. Tricked us into eating raw fish before breaking out the bukkake and hentai madness.
England – Everyone who loves England already has a shirt. The rest think it’s old and dirty. And Morrissey’s always whining.
New York – Put a fork in it.
Ireland – Their unprecedented economic bounceback has shown that they’re very functional drunks and don’t need our love and admiration anymore. Done.
Brasil – No one wants to advertise a country associated with pre-op transsexuals and homeless children.
Roma – The Coliseum is impressive but the city is filthy and people ride mopeds into your crotch.
Sicily – Birthplace of the Mafia and overly-doughy pizza.
Berlin – After all these years, still Hitler’s ‘hood.
Zimbabwe – Robert Mugabe chased all the white farmers out of the country and gave the land to his cronies, sparking a famine and devastating one of the few decent economies in Africa. Let us not praise that through apparel.
After browsing though a rack of Blue Marlin clothing, it’s obvious what the problem is: The Baltic and Scandinavian states are under-represented. Everyone loves Australia and New Zealand, can’t go wrong there. Eastern Europe has great beer and hot chicks – why no hoodies? And let’s not forget Taiwan, which will some day be a collector’s item.
And frankly you’re missing out by carrying no Canada clothing. They won’t leave the house with fewer than seven maple leaves, lest they be confused for Americans.
We hope you will take this into consideration before your next round of embroidery or silk-screening – that we may then wear Blue Marlin clothing which advertises a country we’re proud of. One which may be completely boring but at the very least is not associated with hookers or famine. Perhaps Latvia, Iceland or Croatia.
We hope you will consider our humble request.
(Petition is here)