Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Named That Restaurant

Last week, or whenever it was, I asked you for suggestions regarding a name for my step-brother’s steakhouse. I didn’t want to limit you or put ideas in your head so I gave you very little information. You did not let this lack of details hinder you in any way.
I learned two things:
1: I have a large, quiet readership that makes themselves known as soon as you offer $500 for something.
2: I have a large, quiet readership that would name a place “Meat Here” if they had the chance.
Thank you to everyone who emailed and commented with their ideas, even if you did it solely for the money. I sent the ideas – with the exception of “Meat Here” and “Hindu Hell” – to the people responsible for naming the steakhouse. The people responsible for naming the steakhouse picked their favorites, created their own favorites, and talked to lawyers – ususally the death knell of any creative endeavor.
We had a lot of submissions. Many of them were horrible. Many were off-mark because I didn’t give you enough to work with so you assumed it was Italian-themed or located in Boise. Many names were quite good – but most of those names were taken. In fact, a lot of names are taken. In the old days you could have a Rare Steakhouse in Arizona and one in New York, but these days it’s not so easy. People register things, they fight over domain names, and they get legal over long distances. This helps lawyers buy boats.
In the end the names were reduced to a shortlist of names that were considered good and/or not registered. As I expected, I was left out of the decision-making process until a decision was made. Papers were signed, lawyers were paid, and a check for $500 was mailed to Kate in Los Angeles, which is in California.


The people responsible for naming the steakhouse went with "Metro 9" because it's in a metro area and on Route 9. What do you think about the name "Metro 9"? The people responsible for naming the steakhouse went with ‘Metro 9’ because it's in a metro area and on Route 9. What do you think about the name ‘Metro 9’?
It's a terrible name for a steakhouse and if I were a Muslim fanatic I'd burn their embassy down.
It's a mediocre name for a steakhouse and I would send them back to steakhouse naming school.
It's a good name for a steakhouse because it's neither Italian nor a meat-related pun.
It's a very good name for a steakhouse and I might eat there if I knew where it was.
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