Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Jury Duty Tips

We’re blessed to live in a country where each and every individual (not you, felons!) can participate in the justice system. A trial by a jury of our peers is one of our inalienable rights, and serving as a juror is not only a privilege but a civic obligation.
That said, sometimes jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you’d really like to get the hell out of – like if the trial will last over a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a bent building.
Here are some helpful tips:

  • Declare yourself a sovereign republic. Tell the lawyers you are not subject to the laws or jurisdiction of the United States because you are a country from the skin inward.
  • Approach the lawyers and ask, “Where the guilty one at?” This should result excusal on grounds of bias and/or grammatical malfeasance.
  • Tell them you’re part of a daytime improvisational comedy troupe Mission Improv-able that will suffer hardship if you’re not there to provide base swears and crude scatological references.
  • Rock back and forth mumbling, “Man, I wish Carrot Top could see this.”
  • When the attorneys ask if you can be fair and impartial say, “For $40 a day? Pick one.”
  • Hold a quarter and keep referring to it as The Decisionmaker.
  • Tell them you will be fair and impartial as dictated by Starfleet legal code.
  • Frighten every attorney in the room by suggesting this could probably be resolved through binding arbitration instead.

Previously

Defendant: Neon Sign "Specialist" in Pittsburgh, PA Count 1: Negligent spelling. Count 2: Grammatical malfeasance committed while advertising. Count 3: Grammatical Irony in the First Degree. Report: Officer Hince of the Pittsburgh Grammatical Militia witnessed the advertisement take place …

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