Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Idol Judges In The Off-Season

CANADA
Simon: I don’t mean to be rude, but: boring. Boring. Really. You look good. You’re probably nice. But greatest country in the world? No, definitely not. Sorry.
Paula: I’ve always liked you, Canada. Don’t listen to Simon. You’re different, you know? You bring something to this world that a lot of other countries don’t have, and I really think that you’ve made some great choices. Except maybe socialized medicine. But overall, you absolutely belong here. Good job.
Randy: Hey dawg. How you doin’, man? Okay? Yeah, listen. I have to agree with Simon, you know? I mean-you know, it just doesn’t do it for me overall. Nothing really stands out, except the red guys on horses. But, you know, you know, that’s how it is to me, man.

HITLER
Simon: I’ll say this again. I don’t think you have it in you to be supreme leader of the whole world. I’m sorry. I just don’t. Your oratory and leadership skills will get you so far, sure, but when we’re talking about the it factor… sorry, no.
Paula: I like you, Adolph. And I think the fact that you’ve gotten this far says something. I disagree with Simon. You have potential. I think you started strong, but you’ve made some mistakes. You need to relinquish control of the command structure, because as you have it now, no one on the front lines is willing to react without calling back to Berlin first. That creates a delay in response that the Allied command structure can exploit. And I think that’s really going to hurt you.
Randy: How you doin’ dawg? Okay? Listen… it didn’t really do it for me, man. You know what I’m sayin’? I think the energy was there, but overall, like, I just wasn’t feeling it. You came off a little too… pumped up, you had some problems. I think invading Russia was a bad choice, man. It gave you two fronts you had to deal with, you know?

WASA FIBER RYE CRACKERS
Simon: Absolutely flavorless. Really. I don’t know what to say. I think you should be happy you’ve gotten this far, because I don’t think you’ll get out of the cupboard again. Sorry. Horrible.
Paula: I like you. I like your rye. I think you have flavor. You definitely have fiber. I think the more people eat you, the more they will love you. Excellent cracker.
Randy: You know… It’s a’ight, I guess. I’m not really about fiber, or rye. That’s not my thing, dawg. But I can see how you’d work with the right folks. You know? It’s probably nothing I’d really like, but I think you certainly have some potential if you add maybe some butter or hummous.


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